I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time. Really, for
the last two months, but to me, it felt like an eternity. Being dishonest with
anything, especially my well being, is exhausting.
I am by nature a very honest person…so I apologize if our conversations
have consisted of the following:
“How are you?”
“I’m alright.”
“Just alright?”
“It’s a long story.”
“It’s a long story” is code for “I don’t want to talk about
it” to everybody but the socially unaware.
There’s no easy or politically correct way to say it, so I’ll
tell the long story.
I was having a rough day, and like any climax of a rough
day, I broke down in tears. I told myself that it was just a series of events
that were unfavorable, but I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t label the
overall feeling of a day as “rough.” I couldn’t remember the last day I hadn’t
cried. We’re not talking, “Aw Marley and
Me is so sad,” cried. We’re talking, “This sucks. I’m frustrated, angry,
upset, etc.”
And instead of a quick couple of tears, I sobbed. I sobbed
so hard I struggled to breathe—heaving shoulders, quivering lip, and bloodshot
eyes SOBBING. I had suddenly snapped from tough day sniffles to sheer
hopelessness.
Why am I such a
failure?
I can’t do a single
thing right.
I have so many expectations
of me and I can’t meet any of them in the least.
People have WAY more
on their plate and they don’t struggle.
I don’t see them cry
or even quiver. They go on, head held high, making 4.0’s and being happy. They
make it look almost easy.
I have no reason to
feel this way.
I’m overreacting.
What’s wrong with me?
The negative thoughts multiplied and worsened, until I
wanted to give up. Not just on school, or work, or paying bills, etc., but on
being myself. Just functioning was far too hard. I could feel the vultures
circling, waiting for me to lay down and give up. Luckily (and I mean by the
grace of God), I realized I desperately needed help. I told a close friend how I was
feeling...and when I say told, it was really more like a slur of words and sobs.
I can’t concentrate on
anything.
I have no motivation
to do anything.
I always feel tired,
no matter how much I sleep.
I struggle to get out
of bed every single day.
I dread going to bed
every night because of it.
I always feel hungry,
no matter how much I eat.
I cry at least once, every day.
I feel completely
alone.
I don’t see anything
ever getting better.
And that’s when she dropped the bomb that shut me down
mentally.
“Have you considered
that it could be depression?”
Nope, no, never, not me. Nothing’s wrong with me. Depression is for
other people, not for me.
And then I considered it. And I recalled some of the
symptoms. Seriously, it’s hard to say “No, that’s not me” when you fit 99% of
the symptoms.
The counselor said, “Yes. Depression.”
The doctor said, “Yes. Depression.”
There was some kind of twisted relief I found in having a
label for it. I found comfort knowing that other people had felt the way I was
feeling—hopeless, alone, for lack of a better word, malfunctioning. I can’t
express the overwhelming desire to fix myself. I thought, “Surely, feeling
nothing would be better than this.” Medication “helped”, only by making me feel completely void
of emotion. It left me sleeping like a rock at night and completely WIRED
during the day. As awesome as that sounds to a college student drowning in her
emotions, it was terrible. I hated the way it made me feel.
Long story short, I made some serious life changes to start
taking care of myself. Instead of self-medicating on top of anti-depressants, I
looked to God. And God basically paved the road for me, getting all my ducks in
a row to have a healthy life.
Since we’re being honest, I’m still working through
depression. I’m still seeking God through this process. As dark as it’s been, I
have never felt so assured that God would use this time in my life to bring
healing to other people. I have an even greater amount of compassion for the
depressed and suicidal, having experienced it myself.
And that’s where my explanation ends.
The reason I wrote this blog wasn’t just to catch all my Facebook
friends up to date on my life.
I wish somebody had told me that it’s okay. Everything looks bleak,
but you are not alone. Approximately 10% of people suffer from depression…but when you’re
at the bottom of the deepest hole in which you’ve ever been, you might as well
be the only person ever diagnosed with depression.
And what sucks is that nobody talks about it. They suffer in
silence, through hopelessness and loneliness, until maybe the clouds decide to clear.
This may just be my opinion, but fear is what keeps us from
talking.
Oh, but they’ll judge
me.
They’ll never look at
me the same way.
They’ll pity me.
They’ll rule me out as
suicidal and put me in a hospital.
I can tell you that I let fear rule my mind and my life and
I’m finished. If somebody is going to pity me because I’m depressed, so be it.
I am willing to risk my reputation for healing. I want to be
the one to step out and be vulnerable so somebody else doesn’t feel so alone. Every time I have talked to somebody about depression, they have been nothing but loving and accepting toward me.
To anybody reading this post:
I can tell you that I don’t know exactly how you feel. You
may have the same feelings of hopelessness, but they make look different than
mine. You may be unable to sleep and unable to eat.
If you need help, PLEASE get it. Acknowledging that there is something wrong is the first step to fixing it. You don’t have to be a
hero. And you certainly don’t have to
walk through this alone.
If you get to the point where your thoughts start to scare
you or you feel suicidal in the least, immediately get somebody. And if there’s
nobody there to help you, call a suicide hotline.
Though it may not feel like it right now, you have people to
support you. They may be your parents, friends, pastors, or a counselor.
And I cannot stress enough that you are NEVER alone. You
have a savior that promised never to leave you.
If you need somebody to be honest with, whoever you are, I
am here for you—to cry, to pray, to talk or just to relate to.
“But as for me, I will look to the Lord;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
My God will hear me.
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
When I fall, I shall
rise;
When I sit in
darkness;
The Lord will be a
light to me.”
Micah 7:7,8
-Leah
P.s.- this blog post about
depression really helped me
