the.first.and.the.last

Well, it's been a good/bad/ugly day. You know? I had a bad headache since I woke up this morning. It disappeared mid-afternoon, and I was rather happy. You have to understand that I don't get migraines. At all. AND my teeth hurt. Like...on random days my teeth will just start hurting.
I know I start a lot of thoughts with "Can i just say?" but...
Can I just say that Brooke Fraser is like my hero? I mean, Aundi IS my hero, but Brooke Fraser is like my hero. Mostly because I want to be like her.
Anyway. It's been a day that's tested my endurance and patience in many places.
You know how everybody ALWAYS says "Good things come to those who wait?"
Yeah I better be getting some pretty dang good things! It seems as if I'm waiting for everything. While at the same time, I'm learning to be content with the present conditions before everything explodes goodness on me. Like the people that are anxious for school to start in like mid-July...they're like "I want school to start!"
but right when they get there they realize how much they appreciate summer.
And I'm feeling this way with guitar. I'm SO glad that God's put this kind of calling on me, but learning guitar is some hard stuff! Literally. I was complaining about my blisters a few weeks ago. They hurt, but they looked alright. Now my blisters are all peeling and they just look oh-so-delightful! But it is funny to see people's reactions when they see my fingers...like "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"Oh I was playing guitar"
And I'm learning the song I wrote...which is getting a little difficult. Like I was in the guitar lesson with Justin, and a couple times I went "AH!!!!" and just kinda sighed. But it's in those times when I remember what God told me. Word for word, almost. It's like "Well, I'm pretty sure God's not wrong. Actually, I KNOW he's not wrong. I KNOW that for a fact! He's NEVER wrong!"
And then I get all excited and just want to play my guitar and worship. That's another reason I'd like to learn. Because I can NEVER give God enough praise. NEEEVVVEEERRR!
There are so many levels I'm growing on. Not just juniors jeans (eek! not really. I hope.), but spiritually. Like Aundi's put it before...it's just an addiction. Like, we look for SO many answers at first, but then we're kinda just sitting in the classroom saying "teach me something!" from the Almighty Teacher!

On another note. We have vocab every week, right? One of last week's words was "inconcievable."
I knew what inconcievable meant, I had heard the word, but when I read the definition I was like "God."
just like that. God. That's what I thought. Then I went to pre-calc, and Taylor talked about her experience scuba diving. She said that if you're afraid of water at ALL, don't go scuba diving.
And that reminded me of God again. We can't just dip our feet in and decide that scuba diving isn't for us. We have to DIVE in. Just dive into the never ending love of God! The inconcievable depths of God. We may have to let go of land, of what we think to be stable and what we know, but when we lose what seems to be everything, we find SO MUCH MORE!
We find an inconcievable amount of things. Love. Peace. Joy. Compassion. Truth. Humility.
And the thing is, we don't have to be patient to recieve God. You just...decide. In that second. It's kind of like something I said a looonnngg time ago in a blog post--
"this moment will never happen again"
It's trippy to think about. Like bam. That second was just there and gone. Yet compared to eternity, it's nothing.

For my last thought: Yahweh. I think that's my new favorite word. I think I wrote a blog (how many times do I say this per post? Too many) a while ago about how I learned that when Lord is written like LORD, it means Yahweh. All-powerful God. Not just the daddy-father we think of Him as, but the One that holds the world in His hands. The Creator. The Beginning and the End!
I could go on FOREVER with His names. Which I tend to do a LOT actually! It's kinda strange.

Anyway. If you haven't listened to Faith + Hope + Love by Hillsong, DO IT. Listen to "Yahweh" especially.

-LL
42. Beat somebody at air hockey. (Which has actually never happened)

I beat Nicholas Tealer 7-6. Once. Needless to say he's beaten me other times. Rather badly. But once is just enough!!!

rid.me.of.myself.

Do you ever just wake up on a day and decide it's gonna be different? I thought that was today. I woke up and felt like something was...different.
Of course, I wake up without my glasses on. Because only somebody with mental issues sleeps with their glasses on. But today was extra blurry. I also felt like I was tan today! I know, I know, you're probably like "Whoa Leah you must've been VERY blind. Color blind included" but to that I say, "Thanks for your...errmm...honesty?"
And after this "different" day, nothing of great importance happened. But it's like I'm one day older.
NO WAY, RIGHT?
They say you learn something new every day. Like....
"I learned that letting an eight year old boil milk on the stove because she's 'done it a million times' is not always a good idea because you're the one who ends up having to scrub it off!"
That was yesterday's.
But there's a relationship I'm REALLY working at right now. The one with God, obviously!
And there's STILL the lyrics that resignate in my mind
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
I mean, I don't own this song, yet I've heard it at LEAST a dozen times. And this time was just...different. Especially saying "Bring me to my knees"
And I've been gaining this revelation little by little...
but to see how tall a mountain is, you have to stand at the bottom. If you start at the top, you can only go down. But to appreciate and know EXACTLY how tall that mountain is, you have to start in the valley. You have to climb it little by little.
Another part of this knowledge...is that we have to FALL to our knees. We don't just kinda do a little shuffle, or slowly let ourselves down, we FALL. We plunge. It's not a gentle process.
And yet, while I was realizing this during prayer, I started to laugh.
Because I realized how funny God is. AGAIN.
We're always saying "Cry out to God" and other things along those lines, right?
Well I figured out I'm a literal person. I cry. ALL. THE. TIME.
But I was just made that way. I'm beginning to appreciate what God made me as. I think as a new teenager, you realize that God put you with freckles and skinny ankles because that's exactly the way He wanted you.

With all I just said, I realized that nobody understands me. But there's a purpose to that. If somebody did understand me COMPLETELY, that's one less thing I'd rely on God for. I mean, He wants me to Himself. He's the relentless lover, after all! In service my parents weren't there. Which reminded me of Apex, and how Michelle prayed for me and said that nobody would understand how I changed but me. I gotta say I hate it when somebody reads my mail. At least, that's what my mom calls it. When God just TOTALLY shows you up and says "see, lovely? I listen. I also speak!"
So I guess I just have a lot going on in my mind right now.
And with God dominating, the little room I have left for Pre-calc equations and the amendments is being used by homecoming.
Oh.dear.goodness. You know when you're just SO close to something happening? I'm pretty much a text or two away from telling the guy I want to ask me that I want to go with him. So for this, I'm preparing with Jack Johnson.

Jack Johnson = a broken heart set to music

Which I'm hoping doesn't happen, but if it does, Danielle has to buy me sonic! Cherry limeade baby!
If he's like oh okay! Then I get no sonic, but I have a date. Woop de woop.

Okay. I love you all. I know I've been blogging a lot lately.
Get your comment boxes working so I can comment on your work!!!

-LL
*special bucket-list item: have a date to a dance. Has never happened.

is.she.misleading.or.is.she.misled?

So I just had chocolate chip pancakes. I've been wanting them...since...hmmm...like six months ago. Anyway. Not the point.
I'm lovin the new (actually old) Kimya Dawson CD. So aptly named "I'm sorry that sometimes I'm mean." Crazy lyrics and all. Believe it or not, there's a song about child abuse. Weird, right? Right.
Well I have a story.
So last night my old self defense partner and current locker partner, Kelsey, asked me to go to the rockies game with her. I haven't been to a rockies game since I was like...ten, so I was like oh alright, they're free tickets, I have a ride and all...
mid-script. Hannah got those nice pink iced cookies for her birthday from her friend. Ya know, the really un-healthy kind? As she was grabbing one, I said "Enjoying your unhealthy cookies?"
and she replied "You're not"
dang Hannah. Dang.
I had to ask my mom, of course. And she was like "well, I wouldn't. I just don't have a good feeling about it." I wasn't exactly CRAZY about going, so I just decided that I wouldn't. While I was in the shower today, preparing for a day of doing nothing, my mom tries to yell at me. There's nothing more pointless than people trying to yell at you through a closed door with water running. But turns out I got a babysitting job. For the first time in like....mmm...a year and a half? It's from 4 to 11, which is some pretty good money for just watching two little girls that do what they're told.
And guess where they're going?

To the rockies game.

You have to understand that I have NO money. I think I might have a dime. That's it. And getting an amount of even $20 is just...crazy. Because there's a lot of things that I NEED to buy. Oddly enough, most of them are things having to do with theatre...anyway.
God just makes me laugh. I didn't try fighting my mom when she said no, and I was just okay. I don't do ANYTHING but homework, chill at home, and go to church on weekends. But who wants to busy themselves on the weekend just to go back to school and busy themselves some more? Not me. When I get no sleep, I slowly go crazy. That's no bueno. No bueno at all.
And through the past couple days, I've realized that I'm tired of pretending. Pretending to act like things are okay with me, mostly. And pretending I'm like everybody else who constantly need affirmation and friends to surround them.
I'll give you an example. There's a girl that I know on two different levels. One on the more spiritually oriented level, and another on a more fleshly oriented level. I know I'm gonna be a dork for citing Kelly Clarkson, but when I think of her, I think "sewn together but so broken up inside." On the latter, she's confident. She has a lot of friends, she's pretty, she's smart from what I can tell. But when she says the not-no-pretty words or makes inappropriate jokes, she makes this face for a split second. Especially when she knows I can hear her. It's crazy how when the Holy Spirit gets inside of you, He'll just never leave. He gives you that condemnation that makes you feel like total crap. I know she'll slowly learn that pretending that it's not there just makes her feel worse. After having such a spiritual and emotional breakthrough, it's something you just CAN'T avoid.
Like when I first met her, I really admired her confidence. And then it was like WHOA. How can somebody so...put together be so broken?
So. To my resolution. I'm done with facades! And I'd but the little funky c, but french isn't my strong point. That is french, right? anybody know?
If I cry, I cry. If I need to tell somebody something, I'll say it. If nothing needs to be said, I won't pretend that I need to keep talking.
That is inspired by the ever-truthful Ecclesiastes 3!
A time to weep and a time to laugh. (3:4)
a time to be silent and a time to speak. (3:7)
So...I guess that's it.

 I love you all. Truly.

-LL
40. Walk to somewhere in Parker...from my house.
I'm rethinking this one...