Finals!

I feel like we start talking about finals right after we unpack our dorms on the first day of school. Finals are a BIG DEAL. Almost too big of a deal. People go crazy. And I'm like, people, c'mon. It's a test. When you apply for a job at a Fortune 500 company, they're not going to be rifling through your individual class grades.
Can I get an amen? Yes, do well. Yes, grades do matter.
Sanity > Studying.
Don't use that as an excuse not to study. Now. On to my points!
I have a whiteboard outside of my room. Usually looking like this!

Well. That was a couple weekends ago. That's a funny story you should ask me about.
But right now, it's a fantastically drawn replica of me and Jaymi (my roommate), whom I love.
See that piece of paper in the corner? Bottom left?
That's the finals schedule I posted over a month ago.
I was like...why don't people ever read it? I put it there so people would know when their finals are, because I freaked out about when to go home, when to study, etc, since I didn't have this schedule until my lovely neighbor Tiffany let me photocopy hers. This week, I realized just about every person on my hall has looked at it and it's helped. Yesterday I was returning from my shower and three girls were crowded around it. They were like, yeah! I didn't know when my finals were! Thank you!
Today, a couple girls I was eating with were like, "Yeah! I look at it whenever I take out my trash!" (Because I live right by the trash chute. Which. Yeah. Don't live by the trash chute.)
And with that, I address my last post. I posted it and waited for the calls that were like, "DON'T DO IT LEAH! DON'T JUMP!" And nobody said anything at first. I thought, okay, I just spilled my emotions all over the internet. Great. Nobody cares, and on top of that, my pouring my heart out was worth nothing. Funny how God works. A couple people talked to me about it. Not the, "oh, I hope things go better. That happened to me once and I got over it." To that, I feel the need to put this face: o___O
People who said, "You legitimately put what I was feeling into words."
And it breaks my heart, but I'm SO glad. This is a regeneration for us. I'm so excited. The path to wholeness is brokenness...not just cracks, but a shattering, until there's nothing left to stand on.
I had gotten to the point where every day was "just a rough day." People frustrated me. I frustrated myself.
But it was good. It was the first step of a rebuilding I've been needing for a long time.
I also realized how beautiful and helpful honesty and vulnerability can be. You never know who says the same prayers of frustration, or who cries about the same things, or just struggles with the same things in general.
And I'm glad that through my frustration and brokenness, people are helped.
So, thank you guys, for reading. And I hope I can be here to help you out.

Love,
Leah

And Here I Am Again, But This Time, Much More Tired

You probably looked at your timeline and thought, "elevation? LPT? Who is that? Did I forget about a blog I followed on a whim?"
No. It's me....back again.
I feel like that ring at the doorbell in the middle of the night. You open your door to a sopping wet, crying Leah, suitcases and all, standing in the pouring rain.
You don't ask questions like, "Why don't you have an umbrella? What are you doing here?" You just don't say anything. You show me a bed and I sleep. Not just the normal time, but an abnormally long time, like I haven't slept in weeks.
And that's how I feel. Broken down and tired. Everything has built up and I just want to go home.
Here you think, "Not ORU? You want to come back?"
The answer to that: No/I don't know.
I don't know where home is anymore. I don't know who home is anymore. I thought going to college would solve my life...that everything would work out and I would finally be content in what I'm doing and where I am.
I'll tell you that, right now, that's the exact opposite. I have no idea what I'm doing. I follow what I think to be God's voice and it ends me up in a ditch. I don't know what I want anymore.
I asked a girl on my floor to answer the question, "When you think of Leah, what do you think of?"
She answered, "I think of a girl who's a lot of fun. She has everything in place and she has it all together..."
to which I replied, "Are you serious?"
I'm a bummer. A day doesn't go by where I don't offend somebody and get called a jerk (rude, mean, etc.). I cry ALL THE TIME. I have nothing together. I hold on to the strings of God's promises and that's all that's holding me up. I've changed my major after a half-semester of college, and I'm hoping and praying I don't have to change it again. I have very few friends, since a lot of the people I thought were my friends found better people. I can't wait to go home, yet, when I get home, I want to come back. Like I said....I don't know where home is. When I'm in Tulsa, home is "Metro Denver." When I'm in Highlands Ranch, my home is "Frances 813."
And you'd think this is where I'm like WAIT UP here's what God says!
But.......you're wrong.
I feel like a broken down car...I'm missing my doors, my engine is shot, rust consumes every single inch. To many, it wouldn't be worth it to rescue. Just buy a new car.
I guess this is my season of repair. I'm being stripped down to the very frame, and being made new. And it sucks. It hurts and it's tormenting. I don't like it. I don't just dislike it, I hate it. I'm ready to tap out and be done. It doesn't feel worth it.
But somehow, it is. And I'm working on it.

Love,
Leah