Quiet my soul

I'm at a loss for words. I'm tired. Not the kind of tired after a harvest carnival of being called "Mr. Leah" and people thinking I'm from the 80's...
but it's a different kind of tired. The kind that people sing about. You know, "I'm tired / I'm tired of the fight"
"I'm so tired of [insert problem here]" It's just different this time. I've been tired before, I've been through those phases where I cried myself to sleep. Where I wanted somebody to say "I'm here for you".
Yet, I refuse to cry myself to sleep. And I actually have people saying "I'm here for you". But I don't feel like they are. How can they be "here" for me if they're "there" for themselves alone? Yeah, if I was somebody else but still me (just go with me on this) talking to me, I'd say "Jesus is ALWAYS there for you"
Jesus can't hang out with me when I'm lonely. He won't bowl with me. He can't give me something to do on Halloween night instead of sitting around my house by myself.
It's like I know I can't be like everybody else.
Take this as an example. You have some kinda allergy to peanuts as a kid. Maybe in the second grade, this time. While everybody gets peanut-butter cookies in the class, you have to sit there and eat an oatmeal cookie. You know, it's a cookie. You're not gonna complain. You understand that all your life you've been allergic to peanuts--since the day you were born. Your mom tells you constantly that you can't have peanut oil, peanut butter, peanut ANYTHING. No peanuts. But you still just ache to have that one peanut butter cookie to fit in. People wouldn't have to make a big deal just to get you your "special" (reject) cookie. You wouldn't have to sit out in the hallway all alone while everybody has their peanut butter cookies.
I'll relate this to Romans 12:2...which seems to be the anti-conformity scripture that people like to say is their favorite (besides John 3:16) because it's a mainstream one.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
To be honest, this was my favorite scripture when I was first getting "back into God". I know you're like "what the heck does this have to do with peanut allergies?"
But just wait.
I know I'm set apart. I'm called to be something that many people aren't. If I was called to be an account--fine. If I was called to be an engineer--dandy. But I'm not. I'm called to a higher purpose.
Yet, sometimes, I long for that acceptance. I wouldn't have to try so hard. I could be written off with every statistic. I could just ignore the fact that I'm allergic to peanut butter and have my throat swell shut just so I could feel accepted.
But it's how I was made. I was made un-normal. Having my throat swell shut is not God's will. He's meant for me to sit out in the hallway eating that oatmeal cookie. It may not seem like it's worth it now...and that's where my analogy is lost.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in God's perfect will. It's not like this little kid is gonna wake up one day to find that he really does love oatmeal and peanut butter sucks and is for stupid people. Nope.
But in my pursuit of God's will, I can't be normal. I don't know why, but it reminds me of spanish. Poder. To be able to. In spanish, I feel like it's so much more...definite. Can. It's like a soft word. It also means a metal thing used to hold food. But Poder just means "to can" or "to be able to"
Like I said, I don't know why I like poder much more than can.
So back to the beginning (a very good place to start...and make references to?)...
starting this blog, I'm tired. I feel alone. I'm that one kid eating oatmeal cookies in the middle of kids eating peanut butter cookies. I want to go out. I want to forget my cares. For once, I don't want to worry.
Then I realize how stupid I sound. God cares. God has my worries cast upon Him. It's like He's SO...everything. I know everything isn't an adjective, but it's the only thing I can thing of. Boundless. Never-ending. Infinite. He knows no depth.
No depth of mercy, love, truth, hope....you name it. It's like the ocean times infinity. Think about that for a minute. The ocean. Dang. Deep stuff, right there. Infinity. It's like, fill up the ENTIRE universe with water, call it an ocean, multiply that by infinity. Still not God.
I was gonna write a blog on how God knows us....not just that He knows every hair on our head...but mostly that He knows EXACTLY what we're capable of. Most of the time...we don't. But I'll write about that over the weekend or something. I still have to finish Sydney's letter.

But I'd like to say something. I believe iTunes shuffle is God-fueled. Like take for example, right now.
I was listening to "Lead Me to the Cross" because it's becoming one of my favorite songs, but also because I was distraught. I feel like when you cry out "Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out--Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down" it's all commands. Lead me, Lord. Bring me to my knees. That's a breaking process.
Next song: "Came to My Rescue"
This has definitely been my favorite song for about a year and a half running. It's the reminder that lonliness is never lonely.
After that: "None But Jesus"
I've been hearing this song a lot lately. Prayer, shuffle, you name it. It's kind of like when your mom wants you to read a book (or at least for me)...she'll leave it places she knows I'll find it. Or she'll tell me constantly until I'm like OKAY OKAY!
It's just the whole message behind the song...There's no one else for me.
And with those three songs, I'm reminded of His promise.
"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I don't have that hanging on a painting in my room for no reason. It's a constant reminder of my struggle with knowing He's there.
I think that's really all I have to say. Telling God to "Quiet my soul" truly works.

Well, I still have no plans for tomorrow. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

I love you all.
-LL

Giving all I am to seek Your face

So, if you didn't know by now, my favorite song of all time is "Came to My Rescue". It has been for like...a year and half?
Anyway. I've realized that I've been doing a lot of talking lately. Well duh, I'm me, I'm a human, I have friends. We talk. But, for once in my life, I feel like I have things worth saying. Sure, every word that leaves my mouth is ordained by God, but I feel like I'm making a difference. I think what appealed/appeals to me most about that song is the "I called, you answered"
Every other line is just frickin AWESOME, and without one word, the song wouldn't be complete--but that's what first struck me about it. I had heard it at Apex last summer ('08) and was like whoa. Why does this song stick out to me? And that's why. I was at a very lonely place in my life. Sure, I knew that Jesus loved me, but He wasn't just a phone call away! Jesus wasn't in my phonebook. Right next to Jessica and after Janelle. He's not. But while talking to Sydney the other day, I was reminded that He IS just a phone call away. Actually, more than that. He's always on the phone with us. He NEVER hangs up. Like, I think everybody has the friend that sets down the phone while you're talking to do something instead of just hanging up and calling back. And sometimes, you're like I think I'm just gonna hang up and have them call back. I'm tired of waiting.
Nope. Jesus is the RELENTLESS (unbending, obdurate, adamant, unyielding) lover. He never hangs up, ESPECIALLY when we take that bathroom break that seems to be FOREVER. When we come back to Him, we make excuses. "I was just SO busy and forgot..." "Oh no worries, JC! I came back, didn't I?"
Truth is...some people hang up the phone for good. They get so distracted that they just forget about the phoen completely. Or they'll leave for a long time, only to have something happen.
No, Jessica's in a concert....
Nope, Janelle's sleeping...
Oops, Sarah's phone is off.
Hmm...Jesus will answer!
"Hey Jesus, sorry I left for such a long time. You're still there, right?"
"Always, lovely."
And that's what gets me. Always. ALWAYS. All the time; continuously; uninterruptedly; forever.
So on to another subject, then I'll return to this one!
I've never been the one to be attached at the hip to a "best friend". Yeah, I had Mariah Newton 1st-5th grade, Janelle Mansfield from 4th-10th grade, and 11 on I'm on my own. So it's like no, nobody knows me that well. Nobody remembers my favorites, or my birthday even, or my preference in jelly bean flavors.
Then God pretty much slaps me across the face. I have a lot of best friends. They're all the best. But I find them to be more like...sisters. The good kind of sister...not the kind that leaves the door open in the morning when you're still sleeping and decides to play rockband (HANNAH!).
The kind that remembers your dreams. That keeps track of your tangled web of stories about that one guy that nobody seems to understand. The one that will take your burned mix cds over store bought ones any day. That can't fight with you no matter how hard she tries, just because she loves you that much. She'll tell you you're dead wrong, and help you move past it. She takes your sixteen-year-old version of a crayon picture and laughs at it. She'll pray with you after you've cried for much too long. Sure, you grow at different rates, but it's growing together.
So, what I've realized with these "sisters" is that I can't rely on them completely, they're not gonna be on the other line of the phone forever. But God's put that phone in their hand to encourage you and comfort you like Jesus would and does. He's placed them in my life with purpose...and like I said, they're not gonna be there forever.
To all my "sisters": I love you guys.

-LL

5 more posts....

We are crooked souls trying to stand up straight--

Dry eyes in the pouring rain--
the shadow proves the sunshine.

So the lines above (including the title) are what I put for my lyrics on the wall in the guitar room. When you're in guitar II, you sign the wall...with an optional picture and/or lyric. So I drew an orange squid and wrote those lyrics, so it's the first thing you see when you walk in.
"The shadow proves the sunshine" is actually what I put for my quote in eighth grade for my yearbook picture. I didn't fully understand that. I thought oh, like on those days where it's windy and the clouds move really fast and you get those patches of shadows...and it's like when you're in the shadow, you feel like the rest of wherever you are is too! But it's not.
And I guess that covers the corners of the quote. In eighth grade, it's like I thought my backyard was as big as the world got. Well, God, thanks for tearing down the fences!
I was talking to Aaron (not the Pastor. The other one.) last weekend about what I should put up there. He kept suggesting things and I was like "No, I want people to read my name and the lyric and think of who I am."
I came across that song on itunes and was like YEESSSS!!! Because I find that to be me exactly. Except for the middle line. I'm not exactly sure what "dry eyes in the pouring rain" implies, but I like the way it sounds.

So there's one thing that kinda relates to this that I've been thinking about A LOT lately. Remember the blog I wrote about the dumb t-shirts that say pain is weakness leaving the body? Yeah, if you don't, go find it!
But this time it's cold weather. Living in Colorado, it's gonna be cold. From....maybe October to April, SOLID. There may be other cold days or warm days among the freezing, but it's gonna be cold! And everybody hates it. But if you've lived in the 303 for at least a year, you should be used to it. We complain and complain....
And another thing. Pain. It's like without pain, we wouldn't know what comfort feels like. I don't even think that the word comfort would be invented! To know what comfort is, we have to experience pain.
To know what warmth is, we have to feel cold. To know what true happiness is, we have to experience sorrow. Or actually, to find what TRUE happiness is, we have to experience our own little piece of false happiness.
With all of these opposites, I realized something. The pain, the cold, the sorrow...it lets us know that we're human. Not just that we're human, but that we can't do it alone. It may seem as if you're the only person that gets the extra helping of pain and sorrow, but it helps you to count it all joy...does that make sense?
God is our true warmth. Our true comfort. Our true happiness. He IS the truth. To experience the truth, we have to find lies. And what do you know, we live amongst them! How many lies are we being fed everyday? Too many, I think.
So back to the point...the shadow proves the sunshine. If shadow never existed, we would take sunshine for granted. God found the perfect balance of sunshine and shadow, just so we could appreciate it. Like living in the United States, for example. We take democracy for granted. We could have a dictator, yet that's something we never think about. What about the people that HAVE lived under a dictator? They probably thank God for it everyday.
On that subject...I've been thanking God for waking me up lately. I'm making it a habit...when I don't want to leave my bed and get up at 5 stinkin 40, it could be my last day. It could be a day that my life changes. It could be the day the world ends. It could be the day my friend has her baby. It could be the day my fish days. You never know. Each day is a gift. It may not be the striped zebra print snuggie you've always wanted, but it's a blanket. Just a blanket. At least you got a gift, right?
So my challenge to you...appreciate the sunshine. Savor happiness. Love warmth. But when the complete opposite comes, it's with purpose.
And if you're ever cold, sorrow-filled, and in the shadow, think of babies with moustaches. It WILL make you laugh. Every. Time.

-LL
6 blogs until the 100th blog post....

You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry,
you cry until you laugh,
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath.

Well. I'm at a loss for words, and have been since the last blog. I've tried writing...really, I have! But it's just...difficult. There's one verse that reminds me of that idea.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to tear and a time to mend,
 a time to be silent and a time to speak,
That's in Ecclesiastes, if you didn't already know that. I've been finding out about both of them. I had to throw away my panda WWF shirt because it's falling apart at the seams. It's pilling (getting those gross round things on it) so it's not worth mending anyway. I was rather sad.
I'm also the person that seems to have something to say...ALL the time. As my theatre teacher has said "You know, Leah, we never have to guess what you're thinking. You just tell us"
And I think that's nice, that I'm an open person, but there's a lot to me people don't know. Sure, Sydney may know things, Aundi may know things, Sonia might have knowledge on a thing or two, but only God and I know everything about me.
Actually, I don't know everything about me. God knows everything. Which is pretty awesome. He's like the ultimate best friend. That's beyond awesome.
So I've been finding verses I've known since half past forever, but I'm finding new meaning to them. Like the Ecclesiastes verses I've mentioned above! I used to just say "oh, cool, seasons, great" but now it's like...each season is carefully planned. Each word, carefully thought out by God, just...works.
Back to my theatre teacher quote. It's like my thought to word ratio is probably...10:1. I think a LOT. And a lot of them are random thoughts. Like wondering what it would be like if I was a chicken. Or if I was deaf. Random things like that.
And then there's Philippians 4:8...I actually bought my friend a shirt from the Family Christian Bookstore for her birthday like five years ago that said WHATEVER all glittery three times and then had the other stuff underneath. It was pretty sweet. Anyway. To the verse.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
What caught me this time was the "whatever is lovely" part...lovely. That's me. Lovely. Or at least, that's what I'm destined to be. I've had my challenge going for about a week to have all 100% days. To make them 100, actually. Because bad things will happen. But there are things that I can ruminate on that make them SO much better. Like, take for example, waking up early. It sucks, as most of you would probably guess! But at least I'm able to sleep.
So my other challenge is to get rid of random thinking. To focus on God alone, and I know it's going to be hard. Like when I'm showering, when I'm falling asleep, when I'm waiting outside for something to happen...I'll just praise Him, ya know?
I guess that's all I wanted to say. I want to be lovely always. The words aren't really coming anymore so...catch you on the flip side!

I love you all. PSAT tomorrow. Woop de NOT!
-LL

Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm

Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is why we fight
So there's a blog I've wanted to write for about a week now. I'm listening to "One More Time with Feeling" by Regina Spektor and that lyric is pretty much exactly what I'm talking about. I'm one of those people that get my best inspiration when:
a) taking off my makeup
b) trying to fall asleep
c) showering
I've heard that the best cartoonists think of their subjects in the shower. I find that strange while reading cartoons...like, this work of art was thought of while this guy was showering. I don't really wanna know.
Sorry. Random  thought right there. But while falling asleep for the last week, I've been thinking of words. Just in general. Words. Palabras. And somehow, I came to the conclusion that impacting sentences come with three words. Or two, if you use contractions (I'm, You've, etc.)
For example:
I'm pregnant

Some of these are more impacting then others, and there's one phrase I have in my mind right now that I didn't put up there. It's not what I'm talking about in the next little anecdote, but I'll talk about it in a bit. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I have a pregnant friend. That's not a secret, considering she's 8 months pregnant and full to bursting. But the day I found out, it's like everything went silent. I could tell she was saying "I'm pregnant", but I couldn't hear it. I think mostly it's because I couldn't acknowledge that, but the room was also full of people that were superficially going about their homeroom duties. How could people be so shallow and mindless when I just found out one of my closest friends' lives would be forever changed? I had to repeat it in my head to realize that it was REAL. This was happening, no matter how much I didn't believe it. It's like I'd wake up in the days that followed, like any other day. My thoughts would wander until I ran into the thought brick wall. She's pregnant. The girl that I had met in Algebra I. The one wearing the purity ring, like I should be. She had physical evidence of that promise, then it was broken.
I love her to death, and I'm pretty sure this baby will be frickin ADORABLE, but her time to fulfill the whole child/marriage thing came much before mine. Don't get me wrong, a baby at 16 isn't something I want to happen, I just wanted hers to come later. But the thing is, God made that baby for "a time such as this", that's the best way I can put it. Their lives aren't going to be easy, but everything that happens to them will be God-directed, and I can rely on that instead of worrying about her.
And while thinking about the future of their lives,  I'm going to talk about something random.
There are two people I'm slowly learning about. Both have had bad experiences, heartbreak, and things that otherwise wouldn't be considered normal. One I've just met recently, one I've known for a little while...but I hope that both will learn to trust me, and that I can prove myself to be trustworthy.
So I guess this was just a blog post to get rid of my thoughts.
Another thing: names. For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about names lately. Not just because Sonia and I are having a baby name battle, but for some reason I can't find. Like I've been talking to this kid Aaron more than usual lately, and I just love his name. Aaron. That doesn't mean I love this kid, faithful blog readers, do not worry. Just his name. And everytime I think about names, I have to think about my own.
Leah. If I had been named Rachel, it could've been better. She was desired in the bible, while Leah was kind of the mercy rule of marriage. But just because God is funny, He gave me this name. Or actually, because he's totally serious
Back at Apex, Sonia had said something. She had said that I was called Lovely Leah as a kind of oxymoron. I believe that to be totally true, and I'd like to be just one giant oxymoron. Although people may label me as one thing, I am completely above and beyond that. It's completely encouraging, and I love it.
Oh well. I'm having a difficult time writing right now, so I think I'll go do something.

I love you all.
-LL

Now she rips the wings off of butterflies

Well dear friends, it's been a while since I've blogged two days in a row. I'm sure Sydney's rather excited, while the rest of you are just okay with it.
I'm gonna start out with a verse, and hopefully I'll have something to say about it. If not, I'll just give you another one. But you know when you read a verse and your thoughts practically scream "that's ME. God, You wrote that for ME"
Yep, one of those times. They've been occuring more and more lately. So this is between Jeremiah and the Big Man. (Jeremiah 1:5-9)

"'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;

I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'

'Ah, Sovereign Lord,' I said, 'I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.'

But the Lord said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a child."

You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, 

for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the Lord.

Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, 'Now, I have put my words in your mouth.'"

Dude. What a slap in the face! A good one...if such a thing ever existed.
For some reason or another, I tend to feel inferior. Subordinate. Weak. Whether it's my ability to play guitar, passive remarks from my friends, failing a quiz, whatever--it happens.
Then I get to the whole "Why, God?" If there is one question that I think the human race as a whole has asked the most, it's probably "Why, God?" Half the people that ask these people aren't even sure if there is a God. As a matter of fact, they could be positively convinced He isn't there at all. But when you're asking somebody a question, there has to be some sliver of hope in your mind that they're listening.
I'm done with questioning God. Why should I? Because I don't think He's doing a good enough job with me? That's not it at all. Why was I born into my family, God? Why was I born into this country at all? Why wasn't I born into a country in Africa? Why I wasn't born as a chicken??
They might as well all be the same question. Why God? Why me?
And yet, all He has to say is "Because. I made you...you."
He had me set apart, He had designed every aspect me, He had plotted out every great thing I would ever accomplish. But at the same time, he mapped out every tear, every heartbreak, every struggle. He orchestrated every detail of my life, and He's not even finished. He's proud of his work, and hates when I'm not. Not just when I'm not proud of His work, but when others convince me I shouldn't be proud.
Sure, I'm not gonna parade around acting like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but God believes it. I'm his daughter, one He never wants to let go of.
As I was reading on in Jeremiah, I came across a verse (phrase, actually) that I had underlined. It's kinda cool that as I get older, my perspective flips...even just on words.

"'Get yourself ready! stand up and say to them whatever I command you. 

Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 

Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land. 

They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the Lord."

Crazy stuff. I gotta say, iron and bronze are probably preeettttyyy strong compared to a "whole land". It's one wall, but still, it will NOT be destroyed, no matter how many people come up against it. I'd rather not be terrified in front of a crowd of people, I'd definitely rather terrify them with what I (or actually, He) say(s). How awesome is that?
While I'm typing, my fingers hurt. If you know me at all, I've complained to you multiple times that my fingers hurt. I pretty much burn the tips of my fingers until they're hard enough to play pretty notes. God's giving me a crazy determination to get better. Showering is just a joy, let me tell you. Hot water, hot things, extremely cold things, they definitely hurt. Enough complaining.

Well, I'll end on another note. I'm reading a Joyce Meyer book, Never Give Up, that has really just...I don't even know. Done SOMETHING for me. But she says (repeatedly!) that there's no testimony without TEST. I know I've heard that before, it's something a lot of people say, but it's crazy how much I understand that now.

I love you all. Have a good day tomorrow.
-LL

I won't fear You're leading me

So I've had blog ideas in my head for way too long to be healthy. Such as favor, timing, and a third subject that I can't exactly remember right now, but when I start writing, I will. I think it was a word that can be associated with love, trust, and friends, but I'm not sure. Oh well.
I don't know how to start out this blog. Favor.
 A little wisdom from Hillsong United
This is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received I will sow
It's kind of a weird (weird? I don't know if that's the word) thought. In a time of such abundance, where pretty much everything's right, we expected to be emptied...AGAIN. I can imagine myself saying "Again, God? AGAIN?"
Yeah, duh, Leah, you signed up for this. When you say "Have Your way with me" that's not just when you see the harvest. You see the harvest as a RESULT of the months of labor, the storms....
Oh. That brings me to a point that I've been thinking about. Rain. If you know me at all, (or maybe not) I LOVE rain. I don't know when this infatuation started, but I know it's there. I think it's mostly because I can already see the results of it. The murals of chalk are washed away from the street, the grass is a little bit greener...but it takes something unpleasant. Rain can be a little scary, depending on where you live, the season, whatever. There was a storm this summer, which was pretty frickin frightening, yet I was safe at home. I love watching lightning. But Aundi, Hannah (the hermanita one), and other miscellaneous people were caught out in the storm, praying that everything would stop, that nothing would be damaged, etc.
I think I've learned how to enjoy the rain for just how unpleasant it is. It was raining yesterday and I probably walked the slowest from school to my mom's car possible. No hood on, not running, just...walking. Sure, it's cold, sure, i'm getting drenched, but I'm being refreshed. It's like no matter what happened, I was walking in the rain. I would've stood out there waiting, but I thought it would be too cheesy-romance-novel and my mom would get mad at me for being wet. And the thing is, I would be standing....alone. ALONE. I don't think anybody really likes the word alone. A lot of the time, people won't just stand out in the rain with you. They'll probably tell you you're crazy for wanting this rain, for wanting to stand in it, most of all.
But man, is it AWESOME if you can find a friend that not only is willing to stand in the rain with you, but enjoys it! Sure, you're still going to get wet. But it makes it so much bearable.
Whoa. Long rant. But now I'm moving on to timing.
I've been dealing with this a LOT lately. Whenever I blog about something and write a lot, it usually comes up to a conversation with Paanii...am I wrong? Nope. He was my partial go-to for a season (a relatively short season), but that season is over. We decided to catch up today, and it didn't end well, because somehow, it always comes down to an issue that I care very strongly about, even though it doesn't involve me in the least bit. He doesn't really understand how much insight from God I've gained in this...giant experience (the one we argue about). I'm still growing, I'm still learning, I'm still learning to stand in the rain. Believe me, it's not been a pleasant rain. A lot of the time I haven't reacted well to the forecast, kicking and screaming as the raindrops start to fall. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. After the rain, there's a rainbow. Usually, the bigger the rain, the bigger the rainbow.
Every rain is plotted out by God. Every rainbow, painted with His fingers. And most people will only remember how bad the last rain was when they see the forecast calls for another one; yet nobody remembers how beautiful the rainbow was.
I'm mostly learning that nobody is going to understand my love of rain. They'll come close, but they'll never find that perfect balance of a lot of love and a little bit of dread that makes up my "relationship" (for lack of a better word) with rain. Only God understands...He created it! He orchestrates every storm...just for me. He knows exactly how much rain I can take, and when I can't take it anymore, He's my umbrella. He never just watches from inside a building, letting me be pelted with raindrop after raindrop. He stands there, knowing EXACTLY what he's doing.

I guess I'll finish what I wanted to write about tomorrow. Sorry for my rant...
pre-script- I'm reading My Sister's Keeper. The book that everyone reads like...sliced bread? (best thing since sliced bread, eh eh?) I wish we could read food...then eat it. That would be awesome. Like cereal boxes but BETTER!

I love you guys. Have an awesome day, be bold, do the impossible, eat a PB&J for me!
-LL

11 blogs until 100.

We the Redeemed (hear us singing)

You are Holy,
You are Holy.
I think I've written this first sentence over and over again. I can't decide what to say. I think I was going to say something about...music? Yes...music.
I tend to consider myself a lover of music. Or at least, I appreciate it. After writing my official homecoming blog, I had a day and conversations to go along with it. Unlike Morgan, I'm not cool enough to save my text message conversations to put in my blog. Sorry, Morgle. And even though I can't read sheet music to save my life, I can read tabs! Woop de woop for guitar!
But the homecoming pep rally seems to always convince me that I don't belong in high school. Sure, in my mental development, I belong there, but not spiritually.
During the lunch competition on Thursday, three girls (pretty much the only black girls in our school) had a "jerk" competition. You know, the song? The jerk? The retarded dance that nobody seems to know how to do? Yeah. I had never heard the ACTUAL song in my entire life, but I was taught the dance on Sunday. I've gotten pretty good at doing the dance, but the song just bugs the crap out of me!
At the end of the assembly, the upperclassmen (yours truly, FINALLY) rushed onto the gym floor for the "Cupid Shuffle".
thank you Sonia for the correction, I wasn't even getting the name right. Somebody needs to be more precise when speaking.
I still, to this very moment, have NO idea what the Cupid shuffle is. But apparently everyone else does. Just imagine being in the middle of a LARGE group of people doing the electric slide, and you're just standing there. Yup, almost got trampled.
After feeling lame and being verbally slapped across the face for not knowing this popular dance, I was happy. I was content with my state.
Sure, I don't listen to gospel music 100% of the time, but every day I get closer to ridding my mind of thoughts from secular music. That's probably one of the biggest reasons I don't go to homecoming. People have NO taste in music. Whatever's popular, they play. Whatever you can grind to, they play. Whatever gets the gym the sweatiest (not in a work-out-excercise kinda way...eeewwwww), they play. And, I'm not much of a dancer, when I hear music I like, the first thing that my arms want to do is to worship. And worshiping to secular music isn't exactly acceptable. Actually, it's unacceptable. It's like eating something really gross when you've had prime rib and coleslaw (I really like coleslaw. REAAALLLYYY like) all your life. Why settle for something bad when you can get the best of the best? God CREATED music. It's like Chucks. Chuck Taylors? Converse, ya know? There are many people that copy Chucks. They vary them just enough to the point where they look almost exactly the same, but have no copyright infringement (blah blah blah and so on) and can sell. But in the end, they don't hold up. They fall apart, they look like crap, they're just NOT chucks. You get the good stuff with Chucks. The original. The shoe that cannot be surpassed by any off-brand. They're classic. CLASSIC.
Like worship music. That's where music came from. But it's been twisted to a point where we can sing about kissing girls and making good girls go bad and sell like it's sliced bread. It's sad.
I want coleslaw, not some lame side dish of lame bland potato salad served at a rainy block party. Why settle for bread when you can have cake? Why live in a crappy house when you have the kind of money to live in the best house there is?
Nothing is holding us back. Nothing! Who wants a fake copy of God's pure, untainted worship? Why settle for the enemy's poor excuse for music when you can receive a song from the big man himself?
That's what I don't understand.
I want to walk in all that God has for me.
Unending. Bottomless. It goes on forever.
When I tell God that, the shadow proves the sunshine. To earn the sunshine, you have to face the shadow. The darkness comes before the dawn. Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.
Not even an hour ago, I was faced with the age old doubtful Lovely question:
"Why ____, God?"
the blank could be me, it could be him, it could be us...but fill in the blank with any subject, and I've probably said it.

Yet all He says is "I have great plans in store for you, My child, if only you knew."

I'd rather not go blind or have my head explode or something, so I'm kinda just leaving it all up to God. No, no, I'm JUST leaving it all up to God. It's gonna be difficult...believe me, it's already been difficult. But I'm going to get through this, he's going to get through this, and God is going to be the rock we stand on. Not just the rock we run to when the earth starts to shake and the mountains crumble, but the one we stand firm upon from the beginning.
I'm ready to stand firm. To never look back on my decision to become a lily from being a thorn. To walk in all that He has in store for me. To hand over my past, my present, and my future, to the Author of it all.

Thanks for listening, guys. I love you.
-LL

p.s.- I find it EXTREMELY cool that I posted this exactly at midnight. I just have that kinda skill!