Yes, I'm back from my leave of absence...I'm sorry everyone (sydney)!
Wow....what to blog, what to blog! I don't know what to say a lot anymore. I just had a conversation in which I fully understood that silence is TOTALLY golden. Why waste words when silence means so much more?
So when I was younger, up until I was about twelve....without going into detail--I had it all. EVERYTHING. If I wanted it, I could have it. I could be loved, I could cry, I could laugh, I could be rude....
but there's a point where my life crumbled. If I wanted it, I'd have to deal. If I got it, OHGOODNESS AWESSOMMMEEE!!!
During prayer a few weeks ago, I said to God, as I have MANY times before, "why me?"
So I finished this blog. Then it got deleted. BLARGGGGHHHH. I was fairly upset.
Anyway. Why me?
Yesterday I was watching Evan Almighty...which, by the way, is not as good as Bruce Almighty. But I love Morgan Freeman. What can you do?
So...there's a point in the movie where Evan is freaking out because all these things that don't normally happen to him are happening...i.e. birds are following him, he's growing a beard, he somehow bought eight lots next to him...So he says to "God" (Morgan Freeman)
"Why me?" and God responds "You said you wanted to change the world. I do too."
And for being an interpretation of God, Morgan Freeman dressed in white, somebody really had to think about writing that line. I kind of have a five minute challenge about surrender...but I already did one, it needs to be written, I have to ask Nate...but surrender isn't just half-giving. Like with Evan, he has to grow a beard, build an ark, deal with the animals, and convince his family he's not crazy. In the end, he's right, proving that he wasn't crazy, but still...
God wants to change the world. He can't just rain fire down from heaven (well, he could), so he uses us. We change the world, one act of random kindness at a time, until every knee bows down before him and every tongue confesses he is Lord. I've been hearing a lot of songs about that lately. Pretty much that exact line, too.
That's over six billion knees. I guess 12 billion if you're using both...and that's a lot of tongues. How crazy would that be? One planet. One God. 6 billion people. One purpose!
It's pretty mind blowing.
"Jesus Christ / Take my life / Take all of me"
And that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. Going to college for what some may perceive as impractical. Following a passion that only God has put inside of me. Facing criticism for what I believe to be eternally worthwhile. I mean, Jesus changed my life. Why can't he change somebody else's?
Answer: He can. And he WILL. He already is.
12.17.2009
11.25.2009
Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.
(title's from 1 Chronicles 29:13!)
So...drum roll, please....
100th blog!!! It's crazy to think that I've sat down at my computer 100 times to write a blog. It's been...hmmm....6 months since I first blogged. If you go back and read my blogs, it's just strange how much I've changed. However, it's very comforting to know that God is doing such a work in me! Not just comforing, but...exciting!!! I think I've come to realize that I've used this blog almost completely for myself up until a little while ago. I've used it to monitor how much I've grown and am still growing. But now, I feel like I can help others grow in the same way. And you know, if nobody learns from me, at least I'm still learning from myself!
It seems like I'm entering into new seasons frequently. At least, more recently. I'm being tested in SO many ways. But I asked for it, didn't I? I said "God, use me. Have your way"
Well he's definitely having it! I was talking with Aaron (surprise surprise) about how different I was a year ago as compared to now. If a guy would've taken interest in me, I probably would've dated him right away. No questions asked. I think that's definitely the reason that God didn't throw guys on top of me. I mean in a metaphorical sense...now that I've changed that outlook towards dating, relationships, and patience in general, I'm being tested. So far, I have been able to say no. Lemme tell ya, it hasn't been easy, but in the end, I manage to uphold my no. There have been times when I've been close to giving up--if being set apart was easy, everybody would be doing it. That's one of the things I tell myself....frequently!
Another thing. Crap what was I going to say? Oh yeah. You've heard 1 Timothy 4:12
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
Of course, the young thing, but setting an example is what gets me.
Set an example in speech. Life. Love. Faith. Purity.
I always kinda thought that purity didn't belong in that verse. Usually, as a teenager, when you hear purity, you think sexual purity. But that's only one piece of the GINORMOUS pie!
Ginormous pie. Mmmmm....
Purity in thought is one thing that almost ALL people struggle with at some point. Actually, probably ALL people struggle with at one point.
So I'm gonna kinda wrap up this blog. I'm using it to set an example. In speech. In life. In love. In faith. And most of all, in purity.
A couple of months ago, I re-wrote my blog bio. If you'd go up and read it, I'll tell you what I was thinking when writing it. Everybody's looking for something to make them feel good, to tell them they're doing things right, and to comfort them and say "everybody makes mistakes" when they're doing things wrong. Sorry, I'm not Hannah Montana!!!
But I think I'm here to admit to you that I'm MOST CERTAINLY not perfect! But what I am, I'll share with you. So I guess...enjoy? I don't really have much more to say.
Have a happy Thanksgiving. Wake up early to watch the parade, otherwise I WILL disown you as a friend. Just kidding. I love you all =) But seriously. Eat some pecan pie and those yummy potatoes with the corn flakes on top. Just for me!
-LL
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done."
1 Chronicles 16:8
So...drum roll, please....
100th blog!!! It's crazy to think that I've sat down at my computer 100 times to write a blog. It's been...hmmm....6 months since I first blogged. If you go back and read my blogs, it's just strange how much I've changed. However, it's very comforting to know that God is doing such a work in me! Not just comforing, but...exciting!!! I think I've come to realize that I've used this blog almost completely for myself up until a little while ago. I've used it to monitor how much I've grown and am still growing. But now, I feel like I can help others grow in the same way. And you know, if nobody learns from me, at least I'm still learning from myself!
It seems like I'm entering into new seasons frequently. At least, more recently. I'm being tested in SO many ways. But I asked for it, didn't I? I said "God, use me. Have your way"
Well he's definitely having it! I was talking with Aaron (surprise surprise) about how different I was a year ago as compared to now. If a guy would've taken interest in me, I probably would've dated him right away. No questions asked. I think that's definitely the reason that God didn't throw guys on top of me. I mean in a metaphorical sense...now that I've changed that outlook towards dating, relationships, and patience in general, I'm being tested. So far, I have been able to say no. Lemme tell ya, it hasn't been easy, but in the end, I manage to uphold my no. There have been times when I've been close to giving up--if being set apart was easy, everybody would be doing it. That's one of the things I tell myself....frequently!
Another thing. Crap what was I going to say? Oh yeah. You've heard 1 Timothy 4:12
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
Of course, the young thing, but setting an example is what gets me.
Set an example in speech. Life. Love. Faith. Purity.
I always kinda thought that purity didn't belong in that verse. Usually, as a teenager, when you hear purity, you think sexual purity. But that's only one piece of the GINORMOUS pie!
Ginormous pie. Mmmmm....
Purity in thought is one thing that almost ALL people struggle with at some point. Actually, probably ALL people struggle with at one point.
So I'm gonna kinda wrap up this blog. I'm using it to set an example. In speech. In life. In love. In faith. And most of all, in purity.
A couple of months ago, I re-wrote my blog bio. If you'd go up and read it, I'll tell you what I was thinking when writing it. Everybody's looking for something to make them feel good, to tell them they're doing things right, and to comfort them and say "everybody makes mistakes" when they're doing things wrong. Sorry, I'm not Hannah Montana!!!
But I think I'm here to admit to you that I'm MOST CERTAINLY not perfect! But what I am, I'll share with you. So I guess...enjoy? I don't really have much more to say.
Have a happy Thanksgiving. Wake up early to watch the parade, otherwise I WILL disown you as a friend. Just kidding. I love you all =) But seriously. Eat some pecan pie and those yummy potatoes with the corn flakes on top. Just for me!
-LL
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done."
1 Chronicles 16:8
11.17.2009
You've put this love in my heart
"...All these people were still living by faith when they died.
They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.
And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.
People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.
If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.
Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one.
Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."
Hebrews 11:14-16 (the message)
So this is something I've been telling people. Yet, at the same time, I've been trying to grasp it myself. Before these verses, it's talking about the different prominent men of the Bible and how they had faith in God and were delivered. At the beginning of the passage, it's the verse that everybody quotes and thinks pertains to everything: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
But I just had to find out for myself. If I could put my entire life (at this point in time) as applied to the Bible, it would be these two verses. If there's anything that could encourage me more than "For I am with you always; to the very ends of the age", it's these two verses.
And the last sentence..."Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."
Take for example, the Israelites. It's not like God's gonna say "Hey guys! Go out and wander around in the wilderness until I call you back"
No, no, no. They were pursuing the promise land.
You know how they have that kinda therapy where they submerge a person in their fears so they get over them? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My brother is going to move out in under a year (tear tear), and Hannah and I have a feud over who gets the room in the basement. It's cold, it's dark, and there's spiders. If you know me, I hate bugs. It's not like I pee myself and roll around on the floor at the sight of a moth, but I definitely get a little speaking in tongues action while trying to catch them. But I think I'm going to take it. Not only because I'd have my own bathroom (YESSSSS!!!!!!!), but because SO many times God has told His people "fear NOT!" Sorry for the random story.
The Israelites wandered in the wilderness. Have you ever heard somebody say "the Israelites went through the wilderness"....no. Wandering. Meandering. It means walking without purpose or knowledge where they're going. God gave them manna. In Hebrew, manna literally means "What is it?" God had to break them of their fears...being in slavery but knowing that there next meal will be supplied by men.
They had to have faith in God to supply their needs. They had no idea what they were doing. In the end, they were led to the promise land. Yeah, while in the wilderness, slavery and bondage was looking preeetttyyy good at that point.
How can I apply this to my life? What could you take away from it?
I don't know what I'm doing. I've left the comfort of ignorance and stumbled into the grace of God. Sure, I long for that ignorance, for that Egypt, sometimes, but when I remember the glory and mercy that I find in Jesus Christ, my faith grows and I imagine that "Heavenly country". It's a country all my own...it's not the wilderness that has been traversed multiple times by numerous people--just the chosen.
I just wish you could get this. I wish you could understand how much He wants that promise land for you. He's PROMISED it! So...I guess that's all I have to say.
"Consider it wholly joyful whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort of fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your fatih brings out endurance and steadfastness and patience." (James 1:2-3)
-LL
p.s.- this is the 99th post! WHOA!
They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.
And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.
People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.
If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.
Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one.
Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."
Hebrews 11:14-16 (the message)
So this is something I've been telling people. Yet, at the same time, I've been trying to grasp it myself. Before these verses, it's talking about the different prominent men of the Bible and how they had faith in God and were delivered. At the beginning of the passage, it's the verse that everybody quotes and thinks pertains to everything: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
But I just had to find out for myself. If I could put my entire life (at this point in time) as applied to the Bible, it would be these two verses. If there's anything that could encourage me more than "For I am with you always; to the very ends of the age", it's these two verses.
And the last sentence..."Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."
Take for example, the Israelites. It's not like God's gonna say "Hey guys! Go out and wander around in the wilderness until I call you back"
No, no, no. They were pursuing the promise land.
You know how they have that kinda therapy where they submerge a person in their fears so they get over them? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My brother is going to move out in under a year (tear tear), and Hannah and I have a feud over who gets the room in the basement. It's cold, it's dark, and there's spiders. If you know me, I hate bugs. It's not like I pee myself and roll around on the floor at the sight of a moth, but I definitely get a little speaking in tongues action while trying to catch them. But I think I'm going to take it. Not only because I'd have my own bathroom (YESSSSS!!!!!!!), but because SO many times God has told His people "fear NOT!" Sorry for the random story.
The Israelites wandered in the wilderness. Have you ever heard somebody say "the Israelites went through the wilderness"....no. Wandering. Meandering. It means walking without purpose or knowledge where they're going. God gave them manna. In Hebrew, manna literally means "What is it?" God had to break them of their fears...being in slavery but knowing that there next meal will be supplied by men.
They had to have faith in God to supply their needs. They had no idea what they were doing. In the end, they were led to the promise land. Yeah, while in the wilderness, slavery and bondage was looking preeetttyyy good at that point.
How can I apply this to my life? What could you take away from it?
I don't know what I'm doing. I've left the comfort of ignorance and stumbled into the grace of God. Sure, I long for that ignorance, for that Egypt, sometimes, but when I remember the glory and mercy that I find in Jesus Christ, my faith grows and I imagine that "Heavenly country". It's a country all my own...it's not the wilderness that has been traversed multiple times by numerous people--just the chosen.
I just wish you could get this. I wish you could understand how much He wants that promise land for you. He's PROMISED it! So...I guess that's all I have to say.
"Consider it wholly joyful whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort of fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your fatih brings out endurance and steadfastness and patience." (James 1:2-3)
-LL
p.s.- this is the 99th post! WHOA!
11.13.2009
Hear the angels cry, singing "Holy is the Lord"
As humans, I think we tend to put limits on things. Quotas, if you will. Past this certian point, things can't happen. After 11 o clock, you have to be home. After you die, that's the end.
Obviously, we don't believe that. We, being 99% of the people who read this blog, I mean.
I feel like I'm truly discovering that God knows no limits. During prayer tonight, which was...indescribable, to those of you who didn't go, I think that's what I've taken away from it.
He knows no bounds. Never ending. Everlasting. Bottomless. Take the deepest point of the ocean and multiply that by infinity, and God's still beyond it.
I was having an argument with Amelia that infinity always relates back to numbers, and that nothing comes after it.
No no, God comes after infinity.
While I was praying,...
mid-script. There's a song by Paramore that says "I scraped my knees while I was praying"...is that not just the best line ever? I don't even know why. I just love it. I listen to that line of the song then skip to the next song. Just that. Anyway.
While I was praying, I absent-mindedly said "God, I wish you knew how much I want you and love you!"
Yet immediately, I felt him say "Leah, I tell you the same thing...but I really know what I'm talking about. I know exactly how much you want me. I want you more."
I keep hearing that song "I love you more than the sun, than the stars that I taught how to shine"
And in my mind, I went through what I knew about God. The basics, I mean.
God is strength.
God is hope.
God is love.
God is compassion.
God is truth.
etc.
It got to me that I was saying "God is". Not "God might be" or "God, if he exists, is"
"God IS."
God's strength knows no bounds. God's hope knows no limits. His love for us is...unfathomable. His compassion is SO much more than we could even wrap our minds around. God IS the truth. Nothing else.
I mean, I've learned that before. God's big. But just that....out of 6-something billion people on planet earth, I'm His one. He knows me. He has a love for me. I'm His favorite me.
Again, during prayer, I kept singing
"You were, you are, you will be
You're my friend, You're my Father, I'm your Lovely"
And I cried. A lot. A massive amounts. Just the fact that I'm HIS lovely. Nobody else's.
I'm really at a loss for words right now. I'm so ready to walk in all God has for me.
But this analogy has been running around in my mind since the beginning of prayer.
We're saying "God, move! God, come!"
But it's like....we're in track. We're in our little position to start, waiting for the gun to be fired or whatever they do to start races. That shot's already been fired, but we're waiting for the cue to start running.
Well, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? He fired that shot when you got there. Start running at any time!
Hello! You can run! What kinda gunshot are you waiting for? It was already fired! We're waiting on you!
I think that's what God's trying to say. We're telling Him "God, stir us up and start a revival!"
And he's simply saying "I already did. You."
-LL
-LL
Obviously, we don't believe that. We, being 99% of the people who read this blog, I mean.
I feel like I'm truly discovering that God knows no limits. During prayer tonight, which was...indescribable, to those of you who didn't go, I think that's what I've taken away from it.
He knows no bounds. Never ending. Everlasting. Bottomless. Take the deepest point of the ocean and multiply that by infinity, and God's still beyond it.
I was having an argument with Amelia that infinity always relates back to numbers, and that nothing comes after it.
No no, God comes after infinity.
While I was praying,...
mid-script. There's a song by Paramore that says "I scraped my knees while I was praying"...is that not just the best line ever? I don't even know why. I just love it. I listen to that line of the song then skip to the next song. Just that. Anyway.
While I was praying, I absent-mindedly said "God, I wish you knew how much I want you and love you!"
Yet immediately, I felt him say "Leah, I tell you the same thing...but I really know what I'm talking about. I know exactly how much you want me. I want you more."
I keep hearing that song "I love you more than the sun, than the stars that I taught how to shine"
And in my mind, I went through what I knew about God. The basics, I mean.
God is strength.
God is hope.
God is love.
God is compassion.
God is truth.
etc.
It got to me that I was saying "God is". Not "God might be" or "God, if he exists, is"
"God IS."
God's strength knows no bounds. God's hope knows no limits. His love for us is...unfathomable. His compassion is SO much more than we could even wrap our minds around. God IS the truth. Nothing else.
I mean, I've learned that before. God's big. But just that....out of 6-something billion people on planet earth, I'm His one. He knows me. He has a love for me. I'm His favorite me.
Again, during prayer, I kept singing
"You were, you are, you will be
You're my friend, You're my Father, I'm your Lovely"
And I cried. A lot. A massive amounts. Just the fact that I'm HIS lovely. Nobody else's.
I'm really at a loss for words right now. I'm so ready to walk in all God has for me.
But this analogy has been running around in my mind since the beginning of prayer.
We're saying "God, move! God, come!"
But it's like....we're in track. We're in our little position to start, waiting for the gun to be fired or whatever they do to start races. That shot's already been fired, but we're waiting for the cue to start running.
Well, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? He fired that shot when you got there. Start running at any time!
Hello! You can run! What kinda gunshot are you waiting for? It was already fired! We're waiting on you!
I think that's what God's trying to say. We're telling Him "God, stir us up and start a revival!"
And he's simply saying "I already did. You."
-LL
-LL
11.12.2009
Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping
Ingenious. Ingenuous.
The difference: an I. Yet, that's only one small difference.
Ingenious: (adj.) marked by especial aptitude at discovering, inventing, or contriving.
Ingenuous: (adj.) showing innocent or childlike simplicity and candidness.
With just an I, it can either mean especially skilled or naive. But after learning these two words for AP lang vocab, I feel like I'm just one giant oxymoron. I find myself to be ingenious in a sort of creative way, not that I'm calling myself a genius, but I'd like to think of myself as that inventive person. On the other hand, I have childlike simplicity. Or at least, that's what I strive for. How is there a perfect medium between those two? I tried to think of a word to describe that medium....and I came up with nothing.
Lately, I'm learning how hard ingenuous people are to come by. It's a dying breed. I've been at my "not dating" game for...hmmm....8-9 months now. As time goes on, it gets more difficult. I'm hoping this pattern will be a negative parabola, meaning it goes up then turns right back around and goes down. Sometimes it's just...difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even safe in my own mind anymore. Because I'm so heavily influenced by people around me in this aspect, it seaps into my mind, poisoning my thoughts.
It makes me feel....dirty. Not in a "oooo Leah dirty thoughts" kinda way. Just like "Whoa. I have the mind of Christ. This is NOT Christ-like!"
It's like a four year old little girl in the middle of a bar. Think of an analogy yourself if that one doesn't work for you. I don't belong...my thoughts should NOT be "the bar", but the atmosphere that a little girl belongs in. Like, I have few guys that I have interest in. One may be there for me emotionally, but that's all. Not gonna lie, another one looks pretty dang good. But he's a man-skank (yep just made up a description) and has nothing for me beside the fact that I'm of the female persuasion.
It's pulling teeth rejecting guys. One in particular, and it's not like guys stalk me. I'm not easily chase-able. But it's difficult. Just because I know EXACTLY how it feels.
I know this is a short blog, really jumbled and all, but I felt like I needed to write one!
I'm getting closer to 100!
-LL
The difference: an I. Yet, that's only one small difference.
Ingenious: (adj.) marked by especial aptitude at discovering, inventing, or contriving.
Ingenuous: (adj.) showing innocent or childlike simplicity and candidness.
With just an I, it can either mean especially skilled or naive. But after learning these two words for AP lang vocab, I feel like I'm just one giant oxymoron. I find myself to be ingenious in a sort of creative way, not that I'm calling myself a genius, but I'd like to think of myself as that inventive person. On the other hand, I have childlike simplicity. Or at least, that's what I strive for. How is there a perfect medium between those two? I tried to think of a word to describe that medium....and I came up with nothing.
Lately, I'm learning how hard ingenuous people are to come by. It's a dying breed. I've been at my "not dating" game for...hmmm....8-9 months now. As time goes on, it gets more difficult. I'm hoping this pattern will be a negative parabola, meaning it goes up then turns right back around and goes down. Sometimes it's just...difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even safe in my own mind anymore. Because I'm so heavily influenced by people around me in this aspect, it seaps into my mind, poisoning my thoughts.
It makes me feel....dirty. Not in a "oooo Leah dirty thoughts" kinda way. Just like "Whoa. I have the mind of Christ. This is NOT Christ-like!"
It's like a four year old little girl in the middle of a bar. Think of an analogy yourself if that one doesn't work for you. I don't belong...my thoughts should NOT be "the bar", but the atmosphere that a little girl belongs in. Like, I have few guys that I have interest in. One may be there for me emotionally, but that's all. Not gonna lie, another one looks pretty dang good. But he's a man-skank (yep just made up a description) and has nothing for me beside the fact that I'm of the female persuasion.
It's pulling teeth rejecting guys. One in particular, and it's not like guys stalk me. I'm not easily chase-able. But it's difficult. Just because I know EXACTLY how it feels.
I know this is a short blog, really jumbled and all, but I felt like I needed to write one!
I'm getting closer to 100!
-LL
11.06.2009
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me fall over
So I've had to blog for AP Lang...so whenever I feel like blogging for funsies, I have to blog for literature. But hooray! I have no school today. But my spacebar is deciding when it wants to work, so if I miss a run-on word, I apologize.
There's something I've been wanting to blog about for sometime now. Since like...last week. I'm getting close to my 100th blog, but...yeah. When that happens maybe I'll have a special virtual cake or something.
Anyway. I've been in this "new season" that is WAY different than the last. But it's not like I can mark the day that it started or the day that it'll end. It's just...there. I'm growing up, and most of the time it sucks. But I like it, oddly enough. I'm getting to the point where I just can't explain myself to people.They really just don't understand. It's not that they don't try to understand, they just...can't.
Take for example, an issue I'm dealing with. I was talking to a girl that I thought was on the same page with me about it. Turns out, she's not. We got to talking about "waiting" for the future one and all. I know I have these type of conversations with Sydney all the time, and she gets the gist of what I'm saying. But this girl is just like...I don't know. I thought she agreed, but she's saying "what if you up your 'one' while waiting?"
And I replied "That won't happen. And if it does, it'll all work out in the end."
With this new season, I've realized how much I've grown to trust in God--and how little other people trust in him, too. It's like...I can't imagine surviving without him.Without that hope and trust I have in Him I'm...nothing!
But what I was going to say is something I've been wanting to say for a while. You know how people are always quoting Psalm 114 and being like God knows everything about you! Well, you get the revelation of that sooner or later. You take it to mean He knows what I'm thinking and/or He always sees what I'm doing.
God isn't Santa Claus. Not just in the "Can I have a pony?" aspect, but the "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake"
Not only does He see you, He KNOWS you.
And I got that a while ago. Just like OH WOW God, you do know everything about me.
Then during the snow days my mom was listening to Beth Moore teaching and she was talking about this....more or less. And the major thing that God knows about us that we don't is potential. What we're capable of. So many people ask for prophetic words, like "What will I be when I grow up, God?"
And they don't get it. It's just because they're not ready to know. God is holding that information. If I had gotten my prophetic word at Apex LAST year instead of this year, I don't know what I would've done. I would've flipped, first of all, then probably gone off the deep end. I had to grow, re-examine my past, and seek after God like never before, just so I could know what the future was like.
At Apex this year (I dunno if I've already told this story), we had a worship everynight. Well duh, I know. But there was this moment, when I had Nick on my left and Aundi on my right, but I felt alone in a crowded room. It was like, a moment that could never happen again. I desperately wanted a word from God.
"Not about who I was, who I am, but who I will be, God."
And it was like God told me "Savor this moment. If you could never experience me again, do it now. Let this be enough for you."
So I gave up on getting that word. If He wanted me to know, He'd tell me. If I wasn't ready, He wouldn't....I don't think a lot of people get that. We have to be at the perfect place for our word. Honestly, if I hadn't gotten that word, I wouldn't be playing guitar anymore. At all. It'd be in the gig bag in the corner of my room. But I want his will SO badly for my life. He knows exactly what I'm capable of. He needed to tell me that in order for me to perservere through a very trying point in my life...which I'm now doing.
Compared to the one word I've gotten about my future, I've gotten quite a few that just say things like "strength to stand" or "be that warrior", etc.
It's like the puzzle of my life. Fighting that battle for the victory in the end. A few months back, I had that lady
(Karen) tell me I was a warrior for my family, I didn't understand,etc.
But it's come full circle.
So I guess that's what I wanted to say. Sorry if it doesn't make sense. Again, I don't know what to say anymore. Well, I know what to say...just not how to say it.
-LL
There's something I've been wanting to blog about for sometime now. Since like...last week. I'm getting close to my 100th blog, but...yeah. When that happens maybe I'll have a special virtual cake or something.
Anyway. I've been in this "new season" that is WAY different than the last. But it's not like I can mark the day that it started or the day that it'll end. It's just...there. I'm growing up, and most of the time it sucks. But I like it, oddly enough. I'm getting to the point where I just can't explain myself to people.They really just don't understand. It's not that they don't try to understand, they just...can't.
Take for example, an issue I'm dealing with. I was talking to a girl that I thought was on the same page with me about it. Turns out, she's not. We got to talking about "waiting" for the future one and all. I know I have these type of conversations with Sydney all the time, and she gets the gist of what I'm saying. But this girl is just like...I don't know. I thought she agreed, but she's saying "what if you up your 'one' while waiting?"
And I replied "That won't happen. And if it does, it'll all work out in the end."
With this new season, I've realized how much I've grown to trust in God--and how little other people trust in him, too. It's like...I can't imagine surviving without him.Without that hope and trust I have in Him I'm...nothing!
But what I was going to say is something I've been wanting to say for a while. You know how people are always quoting Psalm 114 and being like God knows everything about you! Well, you get the revelation of that sooner or later. You take it to mean He knows what I'm thinking and/or He always sees what I'm doing.
God isn't Santa Claus. Not just in the "Can I have a pony?" aspect, but the "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake"
Not only does He see you, He KNOWS you.
And I got that a while ago. Just like OH WOW God, you do know everything about me.
Then during the snow days my mom was listening to Beth Moore teaching and she was talking about this....more or less. And the major thing that God knows about us that we don't is potential. What we're capable of. So many people ask for prophetic words, like "What will I be when I grow up, God?"
And they don't get it. It's just because they're not ready to know. God is holding that information. If I had gotten my prophetic word at Apex LAST year instead of this year, I don't know what I would've done. I would've flipped, first of all, then probably gone off the deep end. I had to grow, re-examine my past, and seek after God like never before, just so I could know what the future was like.
At Apex this year (I dunno if I've already told this story), we had a worship everynight. Well duh, I know. But there was this moment, when I had Nick on my left and Aundi on my right, but I felt alone in a crowded room. It was like, a moment that could never happen again. I desperately wanted a word from God.
"Not about who I was, who I am, but who I will be, God."
And it was like God told me "Savor this moment. If you could never experience me again, do it now. Let this be enough for you."
So I gave up on getting that word. If He wanted me to know, He'd tell me. If I wasn't ready, He wouldn't....I don't think a lot of people get that. We have to be at the perfect place for our word. Honestly, if I hadn't gotten that word, I wouldn't be playing guitar anymore. At all. It'd be in the gig bag in the corner of my room. But I want his will SO badly for my life. He knows exactly what I'm capable of. He needed to tell me that in order for me to perservere through a very trying point in my life...which I'm now doing.
Compared to the one word I've gotten about my future, I've gotten quite a few that just say things like "strength to stand" or "be that warrior", etc.
It's like the puzzle of my life. Fighting that battle for the victory in the end. A few months back, I had that lady
(Karen) tell me I was a warrior for my family, I didn't understand,etc.
But it's come full circle.
So I guess that's what I wanted to say. Sorry if it doesn't make sense. Again, I don't know what to say anymore. Well, I know what to say...just not how to say it.
-LL
10.30.2009
Quiet my soul
I'm at a loss for words. I'm tired. Not the kind of tired after a harvest carnival of being called "Mr. Leah" and people thinking I'm from the 80's...
but it's a different kind of tired. The kind that people sing about. You know, "I'm tired / I'm tired of the fight"
"I'm so tired of [insert problem here]" It's just different this time. I've been tired before, I've been through those phases where I cried myself to sleep. Where I wanted somebody to say "I'm here for you".
Yet, I refuse to cry myself to sleep. And I actually have people saying "I'm here for you". But I don't feel like they are. How can they be "here" for me if they're "there" for themselves alone? Yeah, if I was somebody else but still me (just go with me on this) talking to me, I'd say "Jesus is ALWAYS there for you"
Jesus can't hang out with me when I'm lonely. He won't bowl with me. He can't give me something to do on Halloween night instead of sitting around my house by myself.
It's like I know I can't be like everybody else.
Take this as an example. You have some kinda allergy to peanuts as a kid. Maybe in the second grade, this time. While everybody gets peanut-butter cookies in the class, you have to sit there and eat an oatmeal cookie. You know, it's a cookie. You're not gonna complain. You understand that all your life you've been allergic to peanuts--since the day you were born. Your mom tells you constantly that you can't have peanut oil, peanut butter, peanut ANYTHING. No peanuts. But you still just ache to have that one peanut butter cookie to fit in. People wouldn't have to make a big deal just to get you your "special" (reject) cookie. You wouldn't have to sit out in the hallway all alone while everybody has their peanut butter cookies.
I'll relate this to Romans 12:2...which seems to be the anti-conformity scripture that people like to say is their favorite (besides John 3:16) because it's a mainstream one.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
To be honest, this was my favorite scripture when I was first getting "back into God". I know you're like "what the heck does this have to do with peanut allergies?"
But just wait.
I know I'm set apart. I'm called to be something that many people aren't. If I was called to be an account--fine. If I was called to be an engineer--dandy. But I'm not. I'm called to a higher purpose.
Yet, sometimes, I long for that acceptance. I wouldn't have to try so hard. I could be written off with every statistic. I could just ignore the fact that I'm allergic to peanut butter and have my throat swell shut just so I could feel accepted.
But it's how I was made. I was made un-normal. Having my throat swell shut is not God's will. He's meant for me to sit out in the hallway eating that oatmeal cookie. It may not seem like it's worth it now...and that's where my analogy is lost.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in God's perfect will. It's not like this little kid is gonna wake up one day to find that he really does love oatmeal and peanut butter sucks and is for stupid people. Nope.
But in my pursuit of God's will, I can't be normal. I don't know why, but it reminds me of spanish. Poder. To be able to. In spanish, I feel like it's so much more...definite. Can. It's like a soft word. It also means a metal thing used to hold food. But Poder just means "to can" or "to be able to"
Like I said, I don't know why I like poder much more than can.
So back to the beginning (a very good place to start...and make references to?)...
starting this blog, I'm tired. I feel alone. I'm that one kid eating oatmeal cookies in the middle of kids eating peanut butter cookies. I want to go out. I want to forget my cares. For once, I don't want to worry.
Then I realize how stupid I sound. God cares. God has my worries cast upon Him. It's like He's SO...everything. I know everything isn't an adjective, but it's the only thing I can thing of. Boundless. Never-ending. Infinite. He knows no depth.
No depth of mercy, love, truth, hope....you name it. It's like the ocean times infinity. Think about that for a minute. The ocean. Dang. Deep stuff, right there. Infinity. It's like, fill up the ENTIRE universe with water, call it an ocean, multiply that by infinity. Still not God.
I was gonna write a blog on how God knows us....not just that He knows every hair on our head...but mostly that He knows EXACTLY what we're capable of. Most of the time...we don't. But I'll write about that over the weekend or something. I still have to finish Sydney's letter.
But I'd like to say something. I believe iTunes shuffle is God-fueled. Like take for example, right now.
I was listening to "Lead Me to the Cross" because it's becoming one of my favorite songs, but also because I was distraught. I feel like when you cry out "Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out--Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down" it's all commands. Lead me, Lord. Bring me to my knees. That's a breaking process.
Next song: "Came to My Rescue"
This has definitely been my favorite song for about a year and a half running. It's the reminder that lonliness is never lonely.
After that: "None But Jesus"
I've been hearing this song a lot lately. Prayer, shuffle, you name it. It's kind of like when your mom wants you to read a book (or at least for me)...she'll leave it places she knows I'll find it. Or she'll tell me constantly until I'm like OKAY OKAY!
It's just the whole message behind the song...There's no one else for me.
And with those three songs, I'm reminded of His promise.
"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I don't have that hanging on a painting in my room for no reason. It's a constant reminder of my struggle with knowing He's there.
I think that's really all I have to say. Telling God to "Quiet my soul" truly works.
Well, I still have no plans for tomorrow. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.
I love you all.
-LL
but it's a different kind of tired. The kind that people sing about. You know, "I'm tired / I'm tired of the fight"
"I'm so tired of [insert problem here]" It's just different this time. I've been tired before, I've been through those phases where I cried myself to sleep. Where I wanted somebody to say "I'm here for you".
Yet, I refuse to cry myself to sleep. And I actually have people saying "I'm here for you". But I don't feel like they are. How can they be "here" for me if they're "there" for themselves alone? Yeah, if I was somebody else but still me (just go with me on this) talking to me, I'd say "Jesus is ALWAYS there for you"
Jesus can't hang out with me when I'm lonely. He won't bowl with me. He can't give me something to do on Halloween night instead of sitting around my house by myself.
It's like I know I can't be like everybody else.
Take this as an example. You have some kinda allergy to peanuts as a kid. Maybe in the second grade, this time. While everybody gets peanut-butter cookies in the class, you have to sit there and eat an oatmeal cookie. You know, it's a cookie. You're not gonna complain. You understand that all your life you've been allergic to peanuts--since the day you were born. Your mom tells you constantly that you can't have peanut oil, peanut butter, peanut ANYTHING. No peanuts. But you still just ache to have that one peanut butter cookie to fit in. People wouldn't have to make a big deal just to get you your "special" (reject) cookie. You wouldn't have to sit out in the hallway all alone while everybody has their peanut butter cookies.
I'll relate this to Romans 12:2...which seems to be the anti-conformity scripture that people like to say is their favorite (besides John 3:16) because it's a mainstream one.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
To be honest, this was my favorite scripture when I was first getting "back into God". I know you're like "what the heck does this have to do with peanut allergies?"
But just wait.
I know I'm set apart. I'm called to be something that many people aren't. If I was called to be an account--fine. If I was called to be an engineer--dandy. But I'm not. I'm called to a higher purpose.
Yet, sometimes, I long for that acceptance. I wouldn't have to try so hard. I could be written off with every statistic. I could just ignore the fact that I'm allergic to peanut butter and have my throat swell shut just so I could feel accepted.
But it's how I was made. I was made un-normal. Having my throat swell shut is not God's will. He's meant for me to sit out in the hallway eating that oatmeal cookie. It may not seem like it's worth it now...and that's where my analogy is lost.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in God's perfect will. It's not like this little kid is gonna wake up one day to find that he really does love oatmeal and peanut butter sucks and is for stupid people. Nope.
But in my pursuit of God's will, I can't be normal. I don't know why, but it reminds me of spanish. Poder. To be able to. In spanish, I feel like it's so much more...definite. Can. It's like a soft word. It also means a metal thing used to hold food. But Poder just means "to can" or "to be able to"
Like I said, I don't know why I like poder much more than can.
So back to the beginning (a very good place to start...and make references to?)...
starting this blog, I'm tired. I feel alone. I'm that one kid eating oatmeal cookies in the middle of kids eating peanut butter cookies. I want to go out. I want to forget my cares. For once, I don't want to worry.
Then I realize how stupid I sound. God cares. God has my worries cast upon Him. It's like He's SO...everything. I know everything isn't an adjective, but it's the only thing I can thing of. Boundless. Never-ending. Infinite. He knows no depth.
No depth of mercy, love, truth, hope....you name it. It's like the ocean times infinity. Think about that for a minute. The ocean. Dang. Deep stuff, right there. Infinity. It's like, fill up the ENTIRE universe with water, call it an ocean, multiply that by infinity. Still not God.
I was gonna write a blog on how God knows us....not just that He knows every hair on our head...but mostly that He knows EXACTLY what we're capable of. Most of the time...we don't. But I'll write about that over the weekend or something. I still have to finish Sydney's letter.
But I'd like to say something. I believe iTunes shuffle is God-fueled. Like take for example, right now.
I was listening to "Lead Me to the Cross" because it's becoming one of my favorite songs, but also because I was distraught. I feel like when you cry out "Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out--Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down" it's all commands. Lead me, Lord. Bring me to my knees. That's a breaking process.
Next song: "Came to My Rescue"
This has definitely been my favorite song for about a year and a half running. It's the reminder that lonliness is never lonely.
After that: "None But Jesus"
I've been hearing this song a lot lately. Prayer, shuffle, you name it. It's kind of like when your mom wants you to read a book (or at least for me)...she'll leave it places she knows I'll find it. Or she'll tell me constantly until I'm like OKAY OKAY!
It's just the whole message behind the song...There's no one else for me.
And with those three songs, I'm reminded of His promise.
"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I don't have that hanging on a painting in my room for no reason. It's a constant reminder of my struggle with knowing He's there.
I think that's really all I have to say. Telling God to "Quiet my soul" truly works.
Well, I still have no plans for tomorrow. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.
I love you all.
-LL
10.22.2009
Giving all I am to seek Your face
So, if you didn't know by now, my favorite song of all time is "Came to My Rescue". It has been for like...a year and half?
Anyway. I've realized that I've been doing a lot of talking lately. Well duh, I'm me, I'm a human, I have friends. We talk. But, for once in my life, I feel like I have things worth saying. Sure, every word that leaves my mouth is ordained by God, but I feel like I'm making a difference. I think what appealed/appeals to me most about that song is the "I called, you answered"
Every other line is just frickin AWESOME, and without one word, the song wouldn't be complete--but that's what first struck me about it. I had heard it at Apex last summer ('08) and was like whoa. Why does this song stick out to me? And that's why. I was at a very lonely place in my life. Sure, I knew that Jesus loved me, but He wasn't just a phone call away! Jesus wasn't in my phonebook. Right next to Jessica and after Janelle. He's not. But while talking to Sydney the other day, I was reminded that He IS just a phone call away. Actually, more than that. He's always on the phone with us. He NEVER hangs up. Like, I think everybody has the friend that sets down the phone while you're talking to do something instead of just hanging up and calling back. And sometimes, you're like I think I'm just gonna hang up and have them call back. I'm tired of waiting.
Nope. Jesus is the RELENTLESS (unbending, obdurate, adamant, unyielding) lover. He never hangs up, ESPECIALLY when we take that bathroom break that seems to be FOREVER. When we come back to Him, we make excuses. "I was just SO busy and forgot..." "Oh no worries, JC! I came back, didn't I?"
Truth is...some people hang up the phone for good. They get so distracted that they just forget about the phoen completely. Or they'll leave for a long time, only to have something happen.
No, Jessica's in a concert....
Nope, Janelle's sleeping...
Oops, Sarah's phone is off.
Hmm...Jesus will answer!
"Hey Jesus, sorry I left for such a long time. You're still there, right?"
"Always, lovely."
And that's what gets me. Always. ALWAYS. All the time; continuously; uninterruptedly; forever.
So on to another subject, then I'll return to this one!
I've never been the one to be attached at the hip to a "best friend". Yeah, I had Mariah Newton 1st-5th grade, Janelle Mansfield from 4th-10th grade, and 11 on I'm on my own. So it's like no, nobody knows me that well. Nobody remembers my favorites, or my birthday even, or my preference in jelly bean flavors.
Then God pretty much slaps me across the face. I have a lot of best friends. They're all the best. But I find them to be more like...sisters. The good kind of sister...not the kind that leaves the door open in the morning when you're still sleeping and decides to play rockband (HANNAH!).
The kind that remembers your dreams. That keeps track of your tangled web of stories about that one guy that nobody seems to understand. The one that will take your burned mix cds over store bought ones any day. That can't fight with you no matter how hard she tries, just because she loves you that much. She'll tell you you're dead wrong, and help you move past it. She takes your sixteen-year-old version of a crayon picture and laughs at it. She'll pray with you after you've cried for much too long. Sure, you grow at different rates, but it's growing together.
So, what I've realized with these "sisters" is that I can't rely on them completely, they're not gonna be on the other line of the phone forever. But God's put that phone in their hand to encourage you and comfort you like Jesus would and does. He's placed them in my life with purpose...and like I said, they're not gonna be there forever.
To all my "sisters": I love you guys.
-LL
5 more posts....
Anyway. I've realized that I've been doing a lot of talking lately. Well duh, I'm me, I'm a human, I have friends. We talk. But, for once in my life, I feel like I have things worth saying. Sure, every word that leaves my mouth is ordained by God, but I feel like I'm making a difference. I think what appealed/appeals to me most about that song is the "I called, you answered"
Every other line is just frickin AWESOME, and without one word, the song wouldn't be complete--but that's what first struck me about it. I had heard it at Apex last summer ('08) and was like whoa. Why does this song stick out to me? And that's why. I was at a very lonely place in my life. Sure, I knew that Jesus loved me, but He wasn't just a phone call away! Jesus wasn't in my phonebook. Right next to Jessica and after Janelle. He's not. But while talking to Sydney the other day, I was reminded that He IS just a phone call away. Actually, more than that. He's always on the phone with us. He NEVER hangs up. Like, I think everybody has the friend that sets down the phone while you're talking to do something instead of just hanging up and calling back. And sometimes, you're like I think I'm just gonna hang up and have them call back. I'm tired of waiting.
Nope. Jesus is the RELENTLESS (unbending, obdurate, adamant, unyielding) lover. He never hangs up, ESPECIALLY when we take that bathroom break that seems to be FOREVER. When we come back to Him, we make excuses. "I was just SO busy and forgot..." "Oh no worries, JC! I came back, didn't I?"
Truth is...some people hang up the phone for good. They get so distracted that they just forget about the phoen completely. Or they'll leave for a long time, only to have something happen.
No, Jessica's in a concert....
Nope, Janelle's sleeping...
Oops, Sarah's phone is off.
Hmm...Jesus will answer!
"Hey Jesus, sorry I left for such a long time. You're still there, right?"
"Always, lovely."
And that's what gets me. Always. ALWAYS. All the time; continuously; uninterruptedly; forever.
So on to another subject, then I'll return to this one!
I've never been the one to be attached at the hip to a "best friend". Yeah, I had Mariah Newton 1st-5th grade, Janelle Mansfield from 4th-10th grade, and 11 on I'm on my own. So it's like no, nobody knows me that well. Nobody remembers my favorites, or my birthday even, or my preference in jelly bean flavors.
Then God pretty much slaps me across the face. I have a lot of best friends. They're all the best. But I find them to be more like...sisters. The good kind of sister...not the kind that leaves the door open in the morning when you're still sleeping and decides to play rockband (HANNAH!).
The kind that remembers your dreams. That keeps track of your tangled web of stories about that one guy that nobody seems to understand. The one that will take your burned mix cds over store bought ones any day. That can't fight with you no matter how hard she tries, just because she loves you that much. She'll tell you you're dead wrong, and help you move past it. She takes your sixteen-year-old version of a crayon picture and laughs at it. She'll pray with you after you've cried for much too long. Sure, you grow at different rates, but it's growing together.
So, what I've realized with these "sisters" is that I can't rely on them completely, they're not gonna be on the other line of the phone forever. But God's put that phone in their hand to encourage you and comfort you like Jesus would and does. He's placed them in my life with purpose...and like I said, they're not gonna be there forever.
To all my "sisters": I love you guys.
-LL
5 more posts....
10.16.2009
We are crooked souls trying to stand up straight--
Dry eyes in the pouring rain--
the shadow proves the sunshine.
So the lines above (including the title) are what I put for my lyrics on the wall in the guitar room. When you're in guitar II, you sign the wall...with an optional picture and/or lyric. So I drew an orange squid and wrote those lyrics, so it's the first thing you see when you walk in.
"The shadow proves the sunshine" is actually what I put for my quote in eighth grade for my yearbook picture. I didn't fully understand that. I thought oh, like on those days where it's windy and the clouds move really fast and you get those patches of shadows...and it's like when you're in the shadow, you feel like the rest of wherever you are is too! But it's not.
And I guess that covers the corners of the quote. In eighth grade, it's like I thought my backyard was as big as the world got. Well, God, thanks for tearing down the fences!
I was talking to Aaron (not the Pastor. The other one.) last weekend about what I should put up there. He kept suggesting things and I was like "No, I want people to read my name and the lyric and think of who I am."
I came across that song on itunes and was like YEESSSS!!! Because I find that to be me exactly. Except for the middle line. I'm not exactly sure what "dry eyes in the pouring rain" implies, but I like the way it sounds.
So there's one thing that kinda relates to this that I've been thinking about A LOT lately. Remember the blog I wrote about the dumb t-shirts that say pain is weakness leaving the body? Yeah, if you don't, go find it!
But this time it's cold weather. Living in Colorado, it's gonna be cold. From....maybe October to April, SOLID. There may be other cold days or warm days among the freezing, but it's gonna be cold! And everybody hates it. But if you've lived in the 303 for at least a year, you should be used to it. We complain and complain....
And another thing. Pain. It's like without pain, we wouldn't know what comfort feels like. I don't even think that the word comfort would be invented! To know what comfort is, we have to experience pain.
To know what warmth is, we have to feel cold. To know what true happiness is, we have to experience sorrow. Or actually, to find what TRUE happiness is, we have to experience our own little piece of false happiness.
With all of these opposites, I realized something. The pain, the cold, the sorrow...it lets us know that we're human. Not just that we're human, but that we can't do it alone. It may seem as if you're the only person that gets the extra helping of pain and sorrow, but it helps you to count it all joy...does that make sense?
God is our true warmth. Our true comfort. Our true happiness. He IS the truth. To experience the truth, we have to find lies. And what do you know, we live amongst them! How many lies are we being fed everyday? Too many, I think.
So back to the point...the shadow proves the sunshine. If shadow never existed, we would take sunshine for granted. God found the perfect balance of sunshine and shadow, just so we could appreciate it. Like living in the United States, for example. We take democracy for granted. We could have a dictator, yet that's something we never think about. What about the people that HAVE lived under a dictator? They probably thank God for it everyday.
On that subject...I've been thanking God for waking me up lately. I'm making it a habit...when I don't want to leave my bed and get up at 5 stinkin 40, it could be my last day. It could be a day that my life changes. It could be the day the world ends. It could be the day my friend has her baby. It could be the day my fish days. You never know. Each day is a gift. It may not be the striped zebra print snuggie you've always wanted, but it's a blanket. Just a blanket. At least you got a gift, right?
So my challenge to you...appreciate the sunshine. Savor happiness. Love warmth. But when the complete opposite comes, it's with purpose.
And if you're ever cold, sorrow-filled, and in the shadow, think of babies with moustaches. It WILL make you laugh. Every. Time.
-LL
6 blogs until the 100th blog post....
the shadow proves the sunshine.
So the lines above (including the title) are what I put for my lyrics on the wall in the guitar room. When you're in guitar II, you sign the wall...with an optional picture and/or lyric. So I drew an orange squid and wrote those lyrics, so it's the first thing you see when you walk in.
"The shadow proves the sunshine" is actually what I put for my quote in eighth grade for my yearbook picture. I didn't fully understand that. I thought oh, like on those days where it's windy and the clouds move really fast and you get those patches of shadows...and it's like when you're in the shadow, you feel like the rest of wherever you are is too! But it's not.
And I guess that covers the corners of the quote. In eighth grade, it's like I thought my backyard was as big as the world got. Well, God, thanks for tearing down the fences!
I was talking to Aaron (not the Pastor. The other one.) last weekend about what I should put up there. He kept suggesting things and I was like "No, I want people to read my name and the lyric and think of who I am."
I came across that song on itunes and was like YEESSSS!!! Because I find that to be me exactly. Except for the middle line. I'm not exactly sure what "dry eyes in the pouring rain" implies, but I like the way it sounds.
So there's one thing that kinda relates to this that I've been thinking about A LOT lately. Remember the blog I wrote about the dumb t-shirts that say pain is weakness leaving the body? Yeah, if you don't, go find it!
But this time it's cold weather. Living in Colorado, it's gonna be cold. From....maybe October to April, SOLID. There may be other cold days or warm days among the freezing, but it's gonna be cold! And everybody hates it. But if you've lived in the 303 for at least a year, you should be used to it. We complain and complain....
And another thing. Pain. It's like without pain, we wouldn't know what comfort feels like. I don't even think that the word comfort would be invented! To know what comfort is, we have to experience pain.
To know what warmth is, we have to feel cold. To know what true happiness is, we have to experience sorrow. Or actually, to find what TRUE happiness is, we have to experience our own little piece of false happiness.
With all of these opposites, I realized something. The pain, the cold, the sorrow...it lets us know that we're human. Not just that we're human, but that we can't do it alone. It may seem as if you're the only person that gets the extra helping of pain and sorrow, but it helps you to count it all joy...does that make sense?
God is our true warmth. Our true comfort. Our true happiness. He IS the truth. To experience the truth, we have to find lies. And what do you know, we live amongst them! How many lies are we being fed everyday? Too many, I think.
So back to the point...the shadow proves the sunshine. If shadow never existed, we would take sunshine for granted. God found the perfect balance of sunshine and shadow, just so we could appreciate it. Like living in the United States, for example. We take democracy for granted. We could have a dictator, yet that's something we never think about. What about the people that HAVE lived under a dictator? They probably thank God for it everyday.
On that subject...I've been thanking God for waking me up lately. I'm making it a habit...when I don't want to leave my bed and get up at 5 stinkin 40, it could be my last day. It could be a day that my life changes. It could be the day the world ends. It could be the day my friend has her baby. It could be the day my fish days. You never know. Each day is a gift. It may not be the striped zebra print snuggie you've always wanted, but it's a blanket. Just a blanket. At least you got a gift, right?
So my challenge to you...appreciate the sunshine. Savor happiness. Love warmth. But when the complete opposite comes, it's with purpose.
And if you're ever cold, sorrow-filled, and in the shadow, think of babies with moustaches. It WILL make you laugh. Every. Time.
6 blogs until the 100th blog post....
10.13.2009
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry,
you cry until you laugh,
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath.
Well. I'm at a loss for words, and have been since the last blog. I've tried writing...really, I have! But it's just...difficult. There's one verse that reminds me of that idea.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
That's in Ecclesiastes, if you didn't already know that. I've been finding out about both of them. I had to throw away my panda WWF shirt because it's falling apart at the seams. It's pilling (getting those gross round things on it) so it's not worth mending anyway. I was rather sad.
I'm also the person that seems to have something to say...ALL the time. As my theatre teacher has said "You know, Leah, we never have to guess what you're thinking. You just tell us"
And I think that's nice, that I'm an open person, but there's a lot to me people don't know. Sure, Sydney may know things, Aundi may know things, Sonia might have knowledge on a thing or two, but only God and I know everything about me.
Actually, I don't know everything about me. God knows everything. Which is pretty awesome. He's like the ultimate best friend. That's beyond awesome.
So I've been finding verses I've known since half past forever, but I'm finding new meaning to them. Like the Ecclesiastes verses I've mentioned above! I used to just say "oh, cool, seasons, great" but now it's like...each season is carefully planned. Each word, carefully thought out by God, just...works.
Back to my theatre teacher quote. It's like my thought to word ratio is probably...10:1. I think a LOT. And a lot of them are random thoughts. Like wondering what it would be like if I was a chicken. Or if I was deaf. Random things like that.
And then there's Philippians 4:8...I actually bought my friend a shirt from the Family Christian Bookstore for her birthday like five years ago that said WHATEVER all glittery three times and then had the other stuff underneath. It was pretty sweet. Anyway. To the verse.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
What caught me this time was the "whatever is lovely" part...lovely. That's me. Lovely. Or at least, that's what I'm destined to be. I've had my challenge going for about a week to have all 100% days. To make them 100, actually. Because bad things will happen. But there are things that I can ruminate on that make them SO much better. Like, take for example, waking up early. It sucks, as most of you would probably guess! But at least I'm able to sleep.
So my other challenge is to get rid of random thinking. To focus on God alone, and I know it's going to be hard. Like when I'm showering, when I'm falling asleep, when I'm waiting outside for something to happen...I'll just praise Him, ya know?
I guess that's all I wanted to say. I want to be lovely always. The words aren't really coming anymore so...catch you on the flip side!
I love you all. PSAT tomorrow. Woop de NOT!
-LL
you cry until you laugh,
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath.
Well. I'm at a loss for words, and have been since the last blog. I've tried writing...really, I have! But it's just...difficult. There's one verse that reminds me of that idea.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
That's in Ecclesiastes, if you didn't already know that. I've been finding out about both of them. I had to throw away my panda WWF shirt because it's falling apart at the seams. It's pilling (getting those gross round things on it) so it's not worth mending anyway. I was rather sad.
I'm also the person that seems to have something to say...ALL the time. As my theatre teacher has said "You know, Leah, we never have to guess what you're thinking. You just tell us"
And I think that's nice, that I'm an open person, but there's a lot to me people don't know. Sure, Sydney may know things, Aundi may know things, Sonia might have knowledge on a thing or two, but only God and I know everything about me.
Actually, I don't know everything about me. God knows everything. Which is pretty awesome. He's like the ultimate best friend. That's beyond awesome.
So I've been finding verses I've known since half past forever, but I'm finding new meaning to them. Like the Ecclesiastes verses I've mentioned above! I used to just say "oh, cool, seasons, great" but now it's like...each season is carefully planned. Each word, carefully thought out by God, just...works.
Back to my theatre teacher quote. It's like my thought to word ratio is probably...10:1. I think a LOT. And a lot of them are random thoughts. Like wondering what it would be like if I was a chicken. Or if I was deaf. Random things like that.
And then there's Philippians 4:8...I actually bought my friend a shirt from the Family Christian Bookstore for her birthday like five years ago that said WHATEVER all glittery three times and then had the other stuff underneath. It was pretty sweet. Anyway. To the verse.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
What caught me this time was the "whatever is lovely" part...lovely. That's me. Lovely. Or at least, that's what I'm destined to be. I've had my challenge going for about a week to have all 100% days. To make them 100, actually. Because bad things will happen. But there are things that I can ruminate on that make them SO much better. Like, take for example, waking up early. It sucks, as most of you would probably guess! But at least I'm able to sleep.
So my other challenge is to get rid of random thinking. To focus on God alone, and I know it's going to be hard. Like when I'm showering, when I'm falling asleep, when I'm waiting outside for something to happen...I'll just praise Him, ya know?
I guess that's all I wanted to say. I want to be lovely always. The words aren't really coming anymore so...catch you on the flip side!
I love you all. PSAT tomorrow. Woop de NOT!
-LL
10.10.2009
Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is why we fight
So there's a blog I've wanted to write for about a week now. I'm listening to "One More Time with Feeling" by Regina Spektor and that lyric is pretty much exactly what I'm talking about. I'm one of those people that get my best inspiration when:
a) taking off my makeup
b) trying to fall asleep
c) showering
I've heard that the best cartoonists think of their subjects in the shower. I find that strange while reading cartoons...like, this work of art was thought of while this guy was showering. I don't really wanna know.
Sorry. Random thought right there. But while falling asleep for the last week, I've been thinking of words. Just in general. Words. Palabras. And somehow, I came to the conclusion that impacting sentences come with three words. Or two, if you use contractions (I'm, You've, etc.)
For example:
I'm pregnant
Some of these are more impacting then others, and there's one phrase I have in my mind right now that I didn't put up there. It's not what I'm talking about in the next little anecdote, but I'll talk about it in a bit. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I have a pregnant friend. That's not a secret, considering she's 8 months pregnant and full to bursting. But the day I found out, it's like everything went silent. I could tell she was saying "I'm pregnant", but I couldn't hear it. I think mostly it's because I couldn't acknowledge that, but the room was also full of people that were superficially going about their homeroom duties. How could people be so shallow and mindless when I just found out one of my closest friends' lives would be forever changed? I had to repeat it in my head to realize that it was REAL. This was happening, no matter how much I didn't believe it. It's like I'd wake up in the days that followed, like any other day. My thoughts would wander until I ran into the thought brick wall. She's pregnant. The girl that I had met in Algebra I. The one wearing the purity ring, like I should be. She had physical evidence of that promise, then it was broken.
I love her to death, and I'm pretty sure this baby will be frickin ADORABLE, but her time to fulfill the whole child/marriage thing came much before mine. Don't get me wrong, a baby at 16 isn't something I want to happen, I just wanted hers to come later. But the thing is, God made that baby for "a time such as this", that's the best way I can put it. Their lives aren't going to be easy, but everything that happens to them will be God-directed, and I can rely on that instead of worrying about her.
And while thinking about the future of their lives, I'm going to talk about something random.
There are two people I'm slowly learning about. Both have had bad experiences, heartbreak, and things that otherwise wouldn't be considered normal. One I've just met recently, one I've known for a little while...but I hope that both will learn to trust me, and that I can prove myself to be trustworthy.
So I guess this was just a blog post to get rid of my thoughts.
Another thing: names. For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about names lately. Not just because Sonia and I are having a baby name battle, but for some reason I can't find. Like I've been talking to this kid Aaron more than usual lately, and I just love his name. Aaron. That doesn't mean I love this kid, faithful blog readers, do not worry. Just his name. And everytime I think about names, I have to think about my own.
Leah. If I had been named Rachel, it could've been better. She was desired in the bible, while Leah was kind of the mercy rule of marriage. But just because God is funny, He gave me this name. Or actually, because he's totally serious
Back at Apex, Sonia had said something. She had said that I was called Lovely Leah as a kind of oxymoron. I believe that to be totally true, and I'd like to be just one giant oxymoron. Although people may label me as one thing, I am completely above and beyond that. It's completely encouraging, and I love it.
Oh well. I'm having a difficult time writing right now, so I think I'll go do something.
I love you all.
-LL
This is why we fight
So there's a blog I've wanted to write for about a week now. I'm listening to "One More Time with Feeling" by Regina Spektor and that lyric is pretty much exactly what I'm talking about. I'm one of those people that get my best inspiration when:
a) taking off my makeup
b) trying to fall asleep
c) showering
I've heard that the best cartoonists think of their subjects in the shower. I find that strange while reading cartoons...like, this work of art was thought of while this guy was showering. I don't really wanna know.
Sorry. Random thought right there. But while falling asleep for the last week, I've been thinking of words. Just in general. Words. Palabras. And somehow, I came to the conclusion that impacting sentences come with three words. Or two, if you use contractions (I'm, You've, etc.)
For example:
I'm pregnant
Some of these are more impacting then others, and there's one phrase I have in my mind right now that I didn't put up there. It's not what I'm talking about in the next little anecdote, but I'll talk about it in a bit. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I have a pregnant friend. That's not a secret, considering she's 8 months pregnant and full to bursting. But the day I found out, it's like everything went silent. I could tell she was saying "I'm pregnant", but I couldn't hear it. I think mostly it's because I couldn't acknowledge that, but the room was also full of people that were superficially going about their homeroom duties. How could people be so shallow and mindless when I just found out one of my closest friends' lives would be forever changed? I had to repeat it in my head to realize that it was REAL. This was happening, no matter how much I didn't believe it. It's like I'd wake up in the days that followed, like any other day. My thoughts would wander until I ran into the thought brick wall. She's pregnant. The girl that I had met in Algebra I. The one wearing the purity ring, like I should be. She had physical evidence of that promise, then it was broken.
I love her to death, and I'm pretty sure this baby will be frickin ADORABLE, but her time to fulfill the whole child/marriage thing came much before mine. Don't get me wrong, a baby at 16 isn't something I want to happen, I just wanted hers to come later. But the thing is, God made that baby for "a time such as this", that's the best way I can put it. Their lives aren't going to be easy, but everything that happens to them will be God-directed, and I can rely on that instead of worrying about her.
And while thinking about the future of their lives, I'm going to talk about something random.
There are two people I'm slowly learning about. Both have had bad experiences, heartbreak, and things that otherwise wouldn't be considered normal. One I've just met recently, one I've known for a little while...but I hope that both will learn to trust me, and that I can prove myself to be trustworthy.
So I guess this was just a blog post to get rid of my thoughts.
Another thing: names. For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about names lately. Not just because Sonia and I are having a baby name battle, but for some reason I can't find. Like I've been talking to this kid Aaron more than usual lately, and I just love his name. Aaron. That doesn't mean I love this kid, faithful blog readers, do not worry. Just his name. And everytime I think about names, I have to think about my own.
Leah. If I had been named Rachel, it could've been better. She was desired in the bible, while Leah was kind of the mercy rule of marriage. But just because God is funny, He gave me this name. Or actually, because he's totally serious
Back at Apex, Sonia had said something. She had said that I was called Lovely Leah as a kind of oxymoron. I believe that to be totally true, and I'd like to be just one giant oxymoron. Although people may label me as one thing, I am completely above and beyond that. It's completely encouraging, and I love it.
Oh well. I'm having a difficult time writing right now, so I think I'll go do something.
I love you all.
-LL
10.07.2009
Now she rips the wings off of butterflies
Well dear friends, it's been a while since I've blogged two days in a row. I'm sure Sydney's rather excited, while the rest of you are just okay with it.
I'm gonna start out with a verse, and hopefully I'll have something to say about it. If not, I'll just give you another one. But you know when you read a verse and your thoughts practically scream "that's ME. God, You wrote that for ME"
Yep, one of those times. They've been occuring more and more lately. So this is between Jeremiah and the Big Man. (Jeremiah 1:5-9)
For some reason or another, I tend to feel inferior. Subordinate. Weak. Whether it's my ability to play guitar, passive remarks from my friends, failing a quiz, whatever--it happens.
Then I get to the whole "Why, God?" If there is one question that I think the human race as a whole has asked the most, it's probably "Why, God?" Half the people that ask these people aren't even sure if there is a God. As a matter of fact, they could be positively convinced He isn't there at all. But when you're asking somebody a question, there has to be some sliver of hope in your mind that they're listening.
I'm done with questioning God. Why should I? Because I don't think He's doing a good enough job with me? That's not it at all. Why was I born into my family, God? Why was I born into this country at all? Why wasn't I born into a country in Africa? Why I wasn't born as a chicken??
They might as well all be the same question. Why God? Why me?
And yet, all He has to say is "Because. I made you...you."
He had me set apart, He had designed every aspect me, He had plotted out every great thing I would ever accomplish. But at the same time, he mapped out every tear, every heartbreak, every struggle. He orchestrated every detail of my life, and He's not even finished. He's proud of his work, and hates when I'm not. Not just when I'm not proud of His work, but when others convince me I shouldn't be proud.
Sure, I'm not gonna parade around acting like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but God believes it. I'm his daughter, one He never wants to let go of.
As I was reading on in Jeremiah, I came across a verse (phrase, actually) that I had underlined. It's kinda cool that as I get older, my perspective flips...even just on words.
While I'm typing, my fingers hurt. If you know me at all, I've complained to you multiple times that my fingers hurt. I pretty much burn the tips of my fingers until they're hard enough to play pretty notes. God's giving me a crazy determination to get better. Showering is just a joy, let me tell you. Hot water, hot things, extremely cold things, they definitely hurt. Enough complaining.
Well, I'll end on another note. I'm reading a Joyce Meyer book, Never Give Up, that has really just...I don't even know. Done SOMETHING for me. But she says (repeatedly!) that there's no testimony without TEST. I know I've heard that before, it's something a lot of people say, but it's crazy how much I understand that now.
I love you all. Have a good day tomorrow.
-LL
I'm gonna start out with a verse, and hopefully I'll have something to say about it. If not, I'll just give you another one. But you know when you read a verse and your thoughts practically scream "that's ME. God, You wrote that for ME"
Yep, one of those times. They've been occuring more and more lately. So this is between Jeremiah and the Big Man. (Jeremiah 1:5-9)
"'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'
'Ah, Sovereign Lord,' I said, 'I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.'
But the Lord said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a child."
You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the Lord.
Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, 'Now, I have put my words in your mouth.'"
Dude. What a slap in the face! A good one...if such a thing ever existed.For some reason or another, I tend to feel inferior. Subordinate. Weak. Whether it's my ability to play guitar, passive remarks from my friends, failing a quiz, whatever--it happens.
Then I get to the whole "Why, God?" If there is one question that I think the human race as a whole has asked the most, it's probably "Why, God?" Half the people that ask these people aren't even sure if there is a God. As a matter of fact, they could be positively convinced He isn't there at all. But when you're asking somebody a question, there has to be some sliver of hope in your mind that they're listening.
I'm done with questioning God. Why should I? Because I don't think He's doing a good enough job with me? That's not it at all. Why was I born into my family, God? Why was I born into this country at all? Why wasn't I born into a country in Africa? Why I wasn't born as a chicken??
They might as well all be the same question. Why God? Why me?
And yet, all He has to say is "Because. I made you...you."
He had me set apart, He had designed every aspect me, He had plotted out every great thing I would ever accomplish. But at the same time, he mapped out every tear, every heartbreak, every struggle. He orchestrated every detail of my life, and He's not even finished. He's proud of his work, and hates when I'm not. Not just when I'm not proud of His work, but when others convince me I shouldn't be proud.
Sure, I'm not gonna parade around acting like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but God believes it. I'm his daughter, one He never wants to let go of.
As I was reading on in Jeremiah, I came across a verse (phrase, actually) that I had underlined. It's kinda cool that as I get older, my perspective flips...even just on words.
"'Get yourself ready! stand up and say to them whatever I command you.
Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them.
Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land.
They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the Lord."
Crazy stuff. I gotta say, iron and bronze are probably preeettttyyy strong compared to a "whole land". It's one wall, but still, it will NOT be destroyed, no matter how many people come up against it. I'd rather not be terrified in front of a crowd of people, I'd definitely rather terrify them with what I (or actually, He) say(s). How awesome is that?While I'm typing, my fingers hurt. If you know me at all, I've complained to you multiple times that my fingers hurt. I pretty much burn the tips of my fingers until they're hard enough to play pretty notes. God's giving me a crazy determination to get better. Showering is just a joy, let me tell you. Hot water, hot things, extremely cold things, they definitely hurt. Enough complaining.
Well, I'll end on another note. I'm reading a Joyce Meyer book, Never Give Up, that has really just...I don't even know. Done SOMETHING for me. But she says (repeatedly!) that there's no testimony without TEST. I know I've heard that before, it's something a lot of people say, but it's crazy how much I understand that now.
I love you all. Have a good day tomorrow.
-LL
10.06.2009
I won't fear You're leading me
So I've had blog ideas in my head for way too long to be healthy. Such as favor, timing, and a third subject that I can't exactly remember right now, but when I start writing, I will. I think it was a word that can be associated with love, trust, and friends, but I'm not sure. Oh well.
I don't know how to start out this blog. Favor.
A little wisdom from Hillsong United
This is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received I will sow
It's kind of a weird (weird? I don't know if that's the word) thought. In a time of such abundance, where pretty much everything's right, we expected to be emptied...AGAIN. I can imagine myself saying "Again, God? AGAIN?"
Yeah, duh, Leah, you signed up for this. When you say "Have Your way with me" that's not just when you see the harvest. You see the harvest as a RESULT of the months of labor, the storms....
Oh. That brings me to a point that I've been thinking about. Rain. If you know me at all, (or maybe not) I LOVE rain. I don't know when this infatuation started, but I know it's there. I think it's mostly because I can already see the results of it. The murals of chalk are washed away from the street, the grass is a little bit greener...but it takes something unpleasant. Rain can be a little scary, depending on where you live, the season, whatever. There was a storm this summer, which was pretty frickin frightening, yet I was safe at home. I love watching lightning. But Aundi, Hannah (the hermanita one), and other miscellaneous people were caught out in the storm, praying that everything would stop, that nothing would be damaged, etc.
I think I've learned how to enjoy the rain for just how unpleasant it is. It was raining yesterday and I probably walked the slowest from school to my mom's car possible. No hood on, not running, just...walking. Sure, it's cold, sure, i'm getting drenched, but I'm being refreshed. It's like no matter what happened, I was walking in the rain. I would've stood out there waiting, but I thought it would be too cheesy-romance-novel and my mom would get mad at me for being wet. And the thing is, I would be standing....alone. ALONE. I don't think anybody really likes the word alone. A lot of the time, people won't just stand out in the rain with you. They'll probably tell you you're crazy for wanting this rain, for wanting to stand in it, most of all.
But man, is it AWESOME if you can find a friend that not only is willing to stand in the rain with you, but enjoys it! Sure, you're still going to get wet. But it makes it so much bearable.
Whoa. Long rant. But now I'm moving on to timing.
I've been dealing with this a LOT lately. Whenever I blog about something and write a lot, it usually comes up to a conversation with Paanii...am I wrong? Nope. He was my partial go-to for a season (a relatively short season), but that season is over. We decided to catch up today, and it didn't end well, because somehow, it always comes down to an issue that I care very strongly about, even though it doesn't involve me in the least bit. He doesn't really understand how much insight from God I've gained in this...giant experience (the one we argue about). I'm still growing, I'm still learning, I'm still learning to stand in the rain. Believe me, it's not been a pleasant rain. A lot of the time I haven't reacted well to the forecast, kicking and screaming as the raindrops start to fall. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. After the rain, there's a rainbow. Usually, the bigger the rain, the bigger the rainbow.
Every rain is plotted out by God. Every rainbow, painted with His fingers. And most people will only remember how bad the last rain was when they see the forecast calls for another one; yet nobody remembers how beautiful the rainbow was.
I'm mostly learning that nobody is going to understand my love of rain. They'll come close, but they'll never find that perfect balance of a lot of love and a little bit of dread that makes up my "relationship" (for lack of a better word) with rain. Only God understands...He created it! He orchestrates every storm...just for me. He knows exactly how much rain I can take, and when I can't take it anymore, He's my umbrella. He never just watches from inside a building, letting me be pelted with raindrop after raindrop. He stands there, knowing EXACTLY what he's doing.
I guess I'll finish what I wanted to write about tomorrow. Sorry for my rant...
pre-script- I'm reading My Sister's Keeper. The book that everyone reads like...sliced bread? (best thing since sliced bread, eh eh?) I wish we could read food...then eat it. That would be awesome. Like cereal boxes but BETTER!
I love you guys. Have an awesome day, be bold, do the impossible, eat a PB&J for me!
-LL
11 blogs until 100.
I don't know how to start out this blog. Favor.
A little wisdom from Hillsong United
This is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received I will sow
It's kind of a weird (weird? I don't know if that's the word) thought. In a time of such abundance, where pretty much everything's right, we expected to be emptied...AGAIN. I can imagine myself saying "Again, God? AGAIN?"
Yeah, duh, Leah, you signed up for this. When you say "Have Your way with me" that's not just when you see the harvest. You see the harvest as a RESULT of the months of labor, the storms....
Oh. That brings me to a point that I've been thinking about. Rain. If you know me at all, (or maybe not) I LOVE rain. I don't know when this infatuation started, but I know it's there. I think it's mostly because I can already see the results of it. The murals of chalk are washed away from the street, the grass is a little bit greener...but it takes something unpleasant. Rain can be a little scary, depending on where you live, the season, whatever. There was a storm this summer, which was pretty frickin frightening, yet I was safe at home. I love watching lightning. But Aundi, Hannah (the hermanita one), and other miscellaneous people were caught out in the storm, praying that everything would stop, that nothing would be damaged, etc.
I think I've learned how to enjoy the rain for just how unpleasant it is. It was raining yesterday and I probably walked the slowest from school to my mom's car possible. No hood on, not running, just...walking. Sure, it's cold, sure, i'm getting drenched, but I'm being refreshed. It's like no matter what happened, I was walking in the rain. I would've stood out there waiting, but I thought it would be too cheesy-romance-novel and my mom would get mad at me for being wet. And the thing is, I would be standing....alone. ALONE. I don't think anybody really likes the word alone. A lot of the time, people won't just stand out in the rain with you. They'll probably tell you you're crazy for wanting this rain, for wanting to stand in it, most of all.
But man, is it AWESOME if you can find a friend that not only is willing to stand in the rain with you, but enjoys it! Sure, you're still going to get wet. But it makes it so much bearable.
Whoa. Long rant. But now I'm moving on to timing.
I've been dealing with this a LOT lately. Whenever I blog about something and write a lot, it usually comes up to a conversation with Paanii...am I wrong? Nope. He was my partial go-to for a season (a relatively short season), but that season is over. We decided to catch up today, and it didn't end well, because somehow, it always comes down to an issue that I care very strongly about, even though it doesn't involve me in the least bit. He doesn't really understand how much insight from God I've gained in this...giant experience (the one we argue about). I'm still growing, I'm still learning, I'm still learning to stand in the rain. Believe me, it's not been a pleasant rain. A lot of the time I haven't reacted well to the forecast, kicking and screaming as the raindrops start to fall. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. After the rain, there's a rainbow. Usually, the bigger the rain, the bigger the rainbow.
Every rain is plotted out by God. Every rainbow, painted with His fingers. And most people will only remember how bad the last rain was when they see the forecast calls for another one; yet nobody remembers how beautiful the rainbow was.
I'm mostly learning that nobody is going to understand my love of rain. They'll come close, but they'll never find that perfect balance of a lot of love and a little bit of dread that makes up my "relationship" (for lack of a better word) with rain. Only God understands...He created it! He orchestrates every storm...just for me. He knows exactly how much rain I can take, and when I can't take it anymore, He's my umbrella. He never just watches from inside a building, letting me be pelted with raindrop after raindrop. He stands there, knowing EXACTLY what he's doing.
I guess I'll finish what I wanted to write about tomorrow. Sorry for my rant...
pre-script- I'm reading My Sister's Keeper. The book that everyone reads like...sliced bread? (best thing since sliced bread, eh eh?) I wish we could read food...then eat it. That would be awesome. Like cereal boxes but BETTER!
I love you guys. Have an awesome day, be bold, do the impossible, eat a PB&J for me!
-LL
11 blogs until 100.
10.03.2009
We the Redeemed (hear us singing)
You are Holy,
You are Holy.
I think I've written this first sentence over and over again. I can't decide what to say. I think I was going to say something about...music? Yes...music.
I tend to consider myself a lover of music. Or at least, I appreciate it. After writing my official homecoming blog, I had a day and conversations to go along with it. Unlike Morgan, I'm not cool enough to save my text message conversations to put in my blog. Sorry, Morgle. And even though I can't read sheet music to save my life, I can read tabs! Woop de woop for guitar!
But the homecoming pep rally seems to always convince me that I don't belong in high school. Sure, in my mental development, I belong there, but not spiritually.
During the lunch competition on Thursday, three girls (pretty much the only black girls in our school) had a "jerk" competition. You know, the song? The jerk? The retarded dance that nobody seems to know how to do? Yeah. I had never heard the ACTUAL song in my entire life, but I was taught the dance on Sunday. I've gotten pretty good at doing the dance, but the song just bugs the crap out of me!
At the end of the assembly, the upperclassmen (yours truly, FINALLY) rushed onto the gym floor for the "Cupid Shuffle".
thank you Sonia for the correction, I wasn't even getting the name right. Somebody needs to be more precise when speaking.
I still, to this very moment, have NO idea what the Cupid shuffle is. But apparently everyone else does. Just imagine being in the middle of a LARGE group of people doing the electric slide, and you're just standing there. Yup, almost got trampled.
After feeling lame and being verbally slapped across the face for not knowing this popular dance, I was happy. I was content with my state.
Sure, I don't listen to gospel music 100% of the time, but every day I get closer to ridding my mind of thoughts from secular music. That's probably one of the biggest reasons I don't go to homecoming. People have NO taste in music. Whatever's popular, they play. Whatever you can grind to, they play. Whatever gets the gym the sweatiest (not in a work-out-excercise kinda way...eeewwwww), they play. And, I'm not much of a dancer, when I hear music I like, the first thing that my arms want to do is to worship. And worshiping to secular music isn't exactly acceptable. Actually, it's unacceptable. It's like eating something really gross when you've had prime rib and coleslaw (I really like coleslaw. REAAALLLYYY like) all your life. Why settle for something bad when you can get the best of the best? God CREATED music. It's like Chucks. Chuck Taylors? Converse, ya know? There are many people that copy Chucks. They vary them just enough to the point where they look almost exactly the same, but have no copyright infringement (blah blah blah and so on) and can sell. But in the end, they don't hold up. They fall apart, they look like crap, they're just NOT chucks. You get the good stuff with Chucks. The original. The shoe that cannot be surpassed by any off-brand. They're classic. CLASSIC.
Like worship music. That's where music came from. But it's been twisted to a point where we can sing about kissing girls and making good girls go bad and sell like it's sliced bread. It's sad.
I want coleslaw, not some lame side dish of lame bland potato salad served at a rainy block party. Why settle for bread when you can have cake? Why live in a crappy house when you have the kind of money to live in the best house there is?
Nothing is holding us back. Nothing! Who wants a fake copy of God's pure, untainted worship? Why settle for the enemy's poor excuse for music when you can receive a song from the big man himself?
That's what I don't understand.
I want to walk in all that God has for me.
Unending. Bottomless. It goes on forever.
When I tell God that, the shadow proves the sunshine. To earn the sunshine, you have to face the shadow. The darkness comes before the dawn. Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.
Not even an hour ago, I was faced with the age old doubtful Lovely question:
"Why ____, God?"
the blank could be me, it could be him, it could be us...but fill in the blank with any subject, and I've probably said it.
Yet all He says is "I have great plans in store for you, My child, if only you knew."
I'd rather not go blind or have my head explode or something, so I'm kinda just leaving it all up to God. No, no, I'm JUST leaving it all up to God. It's gonna be difficult...believe me, it's already been difficult. But I'm going to get through this, he's going to get through this, and God is going to be the rock we stand on. Not just the rock we run to when the earth starts to shake and the mountains crumble, but the one we stand firm upon from the beginning.
I'm ready to stand firm. To never look back on my decision to become a lily from being a thorn. To walk in all that He has in store for me. To hand over my past, my present, and my future, to the Author of it all.
Thanks for listening, guys. I love you.
-LL
p.s.- I find it EXTREMELY cool that I posted this exactly at midnight. I just have that kinda skill!
You are Holy.
I think I've written this first sentence over and over again. I can't decide what to say. I think I was going to say something about...music? Yes...music.
I tend to consider myself a lover of music. Or at least, I appreciate it. After writing my official homecoming blog, I had a day and conversations to go along with it. Unlike Morgan, I'm not cool enough to save my text message conversations to put in my blog. Sorry, Morgle. And even though I can't read sheet music to save my life, I can read tabs! Woop de woop for guitar!
But the homecoming pep rally seems to always convince me that I don't belong in high school. Sure, in my mental development, I belong there, but not spiritually.
During the lunch competition on Thursday, three girls (pretty much the only black girls in our school) had a "jerk" competition. You know, the song? The jerk? The retarded dance that nobody seems to know how to do? Yeah. I had never heard the ACTUAL song in my entire life, but I was taught the dance on Sunday. I've gotten pretty good at doing the dance, but the song just bugs the crap out of me!
At the end of the assembly, the upperclassmen (yours truly, FINALLY) rushed onto the gym floor for the "Cupid Shuffle".
thank you Sonia for the correction, I wasn't even getting the name right. Somebody needs to be more precise when speaking.
I still, to this very moment, have NO idea what the Cupid shuffle is. But apparently everyone else does. Just imagine being in the middle of a LARGE group of people doing the electric slide, and you're just standing there. Yup, almost got trampled.
After feeling lame and being verbally slapped across the face for not knowing this popular dance, I was happy. I was content with my state.
Sure, I don't listen to gospel music 100% of the time, but every day I get closer to ridding my mind of thoughts from secular music. That's probably one of the biggest reasons I don't go to homecoming. People have NO taste in music. Whatever's popular, they play. Whatever you can grind to, they play. Whatever gets the gym the sweatiest (not in a work-out-excercise kinda way...eeewwwww), they play. And, I'm not much of a dancer, when I hear music I like, the first thing that my arms want to do is to worship. And worshiping to secular music isn't exactly acceptable. Actually, it's unacceptable. It's like eating something really gross when you've had prime rib and coleslaw (I really like coleslaw. REAAALLLYYY like) all your life. Why settle for something bad when you can get the best of the best? God CREATED music. It's like Chucks. Chuck Taylors? Converse, ya know? There are many people that copy Chucks. They vary them just enough to the point where they look almost exactly the same, but have no copyright infringement (blah blah blah and so on) and can sell. But in the end, they don't hold up. They fall apart, they look like crap, they're just NOT chucks. You get the good stuff with Chucks. The original. The shoe that cannot be surpassed by any off-brand. They're classic. CLASSIC.
Like worship music. That's where music came from. But it's been twisted to a point where we can sing about kissing girls and making good girls go bad and sell like it's sliced bread. It's sad.
I want coleslaw, not some lame side dish of lame bland potato salad served at a rainy block party. Why settle for bread when you can have cake? Why live in a crappy house when you have the kind of money to live in the best house there is?
Nothing is holding us back. Nothing! Who wants a fake copy of God's pure, untainted worship? Why settle for the enemy's poor excuse for music when you can receive a song from the big man himself?
That's what I don't understand.
I want to walk in all that God has for me.
Unending. Bottomless. It goes on forever.
When I tell God that, the shadow proves the sunshine. To earn the sunshine, you have to face the shadow. The darkness comes before the dawn. Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.
Not even an hour ago, I was faced with the age old doubtful Lovely question:
"Why ____, God?"
the blank could be me, it could be him, it could be us...but fill in the blank with any subject, and I've probably said it.
Yet all He says is "I have great plans in store for you, My child, if only you knew."
I'd rather not go blind or have my head explode or something, so I'm kinda just leaving it all up to God. No, no, I'm JUST leaving it all up to God. It's gonna be difficult...believe me, it's already been difficult. But I'm going to get through this, he's going to get through this, and God is going to be the rock we stand on. Not just the rock we run to when the earth starts to shake and the mountains crumble, but the one we stand firm upon from the beginning.
I'm ready to stand firm. To never look back on my decision to become a lily from being a thorn. To walk in all that He has in store for me. To hand over my past, my present, and my future, to the Author of it all.
Thanks for listening, guys. I love you.
-LL
p.s.- I find it EXTREMELY cool that I posted this exactly at midnight. I just have that kinda skill!
9.30.2009
Lord.my.soul.delights
I haven't decided if I'm going to continue the strange punctuation titles into October. It could be just a September thing. I can never think of labels anymore.
But I figure I haven't blogged about homecoming week, so I'll do so right now.
There are a certain few people that I can talk to anytime. I mean, that I'm always in the mood to talk to. They pretty much always make me feel better, and I feel like they genuinely care about me and my best interest.
Right now, there's a little caste system (fourth grade castle times history legit) that goes one to two then on two three. The rest after that are just randomly placed.
So I was talking to Nick, who is in this caste system. He doesn't usually say a whole lot through text (hard to believe with how much he talks, no?) but he always listens. Well at least I think he listens. So I was telling him about how much homecoming week bothers me, just because it's an excuse to be materialistic and skanky. But this year, it seems more and more guys are cross dressing during homecoming week. Like, if they wear little soffe shorts, they're just SO much hotter.
No, you look like Forrest from HelloGoodbye! and I don't want to see your masculine business (or lack thereof). A couple of guys have bent over in front of me, and there are things I don't want to know. I don't know how I phrased that when telling Nick, but he just about laughed his pants off.
Which leads me to something I've learned about myself: If God didn't give me a sense of humor, life really wouldn't be too enjoyable for me. I enjoy God's sense of humor, especially. And I guess I also appreciate people for who they truly are. I'd rather have a truly sad person talk to me than a falsely happy person.
There's a point where we've just gotta stop pretending, you know? It's like the criminals that are being put to trial...when they lie enough, they begin to believe the lie to be fact.
Like....one of the Mercury 7 astronauts. I think it was Gus Grissom, but I'm not sure. The hatch door blew open upon splashdown (landing in the middle of the ocean) and they lost the spacecraft because of it. He swore that it just blew, that he didn't push the button, but every scientific fact went against that. They had tested dropping this hatch on solid concrete hundredsd of times, and this had never happened.
So we believe we're happy, we believe we're not lonely, maybe even that we're successful...when the truth is, acknowledging that lets you enjoy happiness and peace that much more.
The shadow proves the sunshine, I always say.
Switchfoot lyrics are poetry set to the sound of a guitar. SERIOUSLY.
Sure, we're not gonna dwell in that shadow, throw a pity party, and throw ashes on our head everyday, but we can for a little bit. I don't know how many times I've said this, too many, I'm sure, but God lets me wallow in my misery for a few minutes before setting me straight.
It's kind of like when I'm about to get upset, he'll say "Remember how you felt last time? Don't you just wanna skip that?"
And I reply, "Yes God, thank you!" because I KNOW He's right. He's ALWAYS right.
Another thing with homecoming: Dear goodness, it costs some dough!
Tickets, dinner, dress, date, transportation...you easily spend hundreds of dollars.
For my homecoming this year, which I'm looking forward to more than the past three dances I've been to,
it's going to be....hhhhmmmm....at most, $40. Probably more like $20. Which is awesome. I'm pumped.
But why spend money on something I'll be tempted to call "the second worst night of my life"? Because everyone's doing it. That's usually the answer. Because I never have any fun.
I'm done being the one to follow what everyone's doing. I'm finished with having somebody think for me. God's given me a brain, I'm going to use it. God's given me a body, I'm going to respect it. God's given me talent, I'm not gonna waste it! You know? I hope you understand where I'm coming from.
Right now, I'm listening to "Deeper" by Hillsong...which is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I have my seasons of hillsong songs, and "Deeper" and "His Glory Appears" are definitely in this season.
I have a random thought. I was walking next to our homecoming float, which was disney, and "Someday My Prince Will Come" was playing. And I thought about how random Philip is for a Prince's name. Aladdin, Charming, PHILIP. Anyway.
-LL
p.s.- this is my 87th published blog. 13 more and we'll be at 100!!! I actually have 91, including un-published ones...boo.
But I figure I haven't blogged about homecoming week, so I'll do so right now.
There are a certain few people that I can talk to anytime. I mean, that I'm always in the mood to talk to. They pretty much always make me feel better, and I feel like they genuinely care about me and my best interest.
Right now, there's a little caste system (fourth grade castle times history legit) that goes one to two then on two three. The rest after that are just randomly placed.
So I was talking to Nick, who is in this caste system. He doesn't usually say a whole lot through text (hard to believe with how much he talks, no?) but he always listens. Well at least I think he listens. So I was telling him about how much homecoming week bothers me, just because it's an excuse to be materialistic and skanky. But this year, it seems more and more guys are cross dressing during homecoming week. Like, if they wear little soffe shorts, they're just SO much hotter.
No, you look like Forrest from HelloGoodbye! and I don't want to see your masculine business (or lack thereof). A couple of guys have bent over in front of me, and there are things I don't want to know. I don't know how I phrased that when telling Nick, but he just about laughed his pants off.
Which leads me to something I've learned about myself: If God didn't give me a sense of humor, life really wouldn't be too enjoyable for me. I enjoy God's sense of humor, especially. And I guess I also appreciate people for who they truly are. I'd rather have a truly sad person talk to me than a falsely happy person.
There's a point where we've just gotta stop pretending, you know? It's like the criminals that are being put to trial...when they lie enough, they begin to believe the lie to be fact.
Like....one of the Mercury 7 astronauts. I think it was Gus Grissom, but I'm not sure. The hatch door blew open upon splashdown (landing in the middle of the ocean) and they lost the spacecraft because of it. He swore that it just blew, that he didn't push the button, but every scientific fact went against that. They had tested dropping this hatch on solid concrete hundredsd of times, and this had never happened.
So we believe we're happy, we believe we're not lonely, maybe even that we're successful...when the truth is, acknowledging that lets you enjoy happiness and peace that much more.
The shadow proves the sunshine, I always say.
Switchfoot lyrics are poetry set to the sound of a guitar. SERIOUSLY.
Sure, we're not gonna dwell in that shadow, throw a pity party, and throw ashes on our head everyday, but we can for a little bit. I don't know how many times I've said this, too many, I'm sure, but God lets me wallow in my misery for a few minutes before setting me straight.
It's kind of like when I'm about to get upset, he'll say "Remember how you felt last time? Don't you just wanna skip that?"
And I reply, "Yes God, thank you!" because I KNOW He's right. He's ALWAYS right.
Another thing with homecoming: Dear goodness, it costs some dough!
Tickets, dinner, dress, date, transportation...you easily spend hundreds of dollars.
For my homecoming this year, which I'm looking forward to more than the past three dances I've been to,
it's going to be....hhhhmmmm....at most, $40. Probably more like $20. Which is awesome. I'm pumped.
But why spend money on something I'll be tempted to call "the second worst night of my life"? Because everyone's doing it. That's usually the answer. Because I never have any fun.
I'm done being the one to follow what everyone's doing. I'm finished with having somebody think for me. God's given me a brain, I'm going to use it. God's given me a body, I'm going to respect it. God's given me talent, I'm not gonna waste it! You know? I hope you understand where I'm coming from.
Right now, I'm listening to "Deeper" by Hillsong...which is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I have my seasons of hillsong songs, and "Deeper" and "His Glory Appears" are definitely in this season.
I have a random thought. I was walking next to our homecoming float, which was disney, and "Someday My Prince Will Come" was playing. And I thought about how random Philip is for a Prince's name. Aladdin, Charming, PHILIP. Anyway.
-LL
p.s.- this is my 87th published blog. 13 more and we'll be at 100!!! I actually have 91, including un-published ones...boo.
9.29.2009
through.the.pain.she.opened.her.eyes
I'm sorry, dear friends, that' it's been such a long time since I've blogged. It's like, I'll be talking to somebody, and think "That would be one awesome blog" yet when I get home, I forget. And homework takes priority.
I've figured out that the longer I wait to blog, the more comments I get. I gotta say, I LOVE getting the feedback. Not to a ridiculous point, but it makes me think about what I've said, or even what I haven't said.
I'm lovin the new layout. It reminds me of apple computers and their ever-awesome backgrounds.
I just got Sydney's letter today, which always makes my day WAY better. Especially because it was a Hello Kitty envelope, but that's a different story.
I'm not gonna just write out the whole letter, but there was one thing that stuck out to me. It's a rather normal thing to think, but she put it in a way that was like...whoa. She hit the nail on the head.
So she said:
"I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about guys, God, and love."
And I was like...dude. Sydney. You just put the ENTIRE content of my brain into a sentence. Sure there's school, sleeping, etc. to fit into our days.
But in the middle of that three-word sandwich, there's God. Which is essentially the easiest one to deal with. He's there. He loves you. He'll always be there. He'll always love you. He's all powerful, He's all knowing. He's omnipresent, He Himself IS understanding. There. You got it.
If I were to write her sentence again, I'd say "God, love, and guys"
because love is the middle, where things to gray for most.
I never know how to spell gray. Grey? Gray? Grey? Grae? I have no idea. Like on a math worksheet today, there was a name. Gheri. I said Gary. Apparently it's Jerry. Why don't you just frickin spell your name normal and stop making pre-calc students suffer?
Love is the gray area where things stop making sense. Some people tend to associate it more with guys, while not a whole lot of people in high school associate it with God. If I were to stand up in front of a pep rally, grab the microphone, and ask how many people would give up dating for their ENTIRE high school and college career, how many would raise their hand? What if they had to give up partying, drugs, drinking, even swearing until the end of high school? How many would really follow through?
Not many. To stand up in a pep rally by yourself anyway would be difficult. It might be easier for some to be like "I have AIDS" than to say "I believe that Jesus Christ is alive, God loves me, and I'm forgiven"
But if I had to make that decision, to stand up while everyone is sitting, I'd do it every time.
I've been having difficulty with that lately. Accepting that I'm the only one standing up. Especially when people are trying to get me to sit down, while being pelted with flying objects.
Obviously, standing up while everyone is sitting down makes you much more likely to be hit by said objects. A lot of people aren't going to agree, so I'm guessing these projectiles aren't going to be roses and other assortments of flowers. They're going to be unpleasant.
I'm learning that. The hard way. Lily among thorns has NEVER so aptly applied. Especially last night. I was taking a class full of almost 20 adults over 21. And there's me, the 16 year old, in my old roxy slip ons, dr. seuss notebook and all. I'd like to think that they admired my effort at taking an adult level class, but I'm not too sure. A lot of them thought I was younger than I am, though. But oh well!
Today's not a good day for a thoughtful blog de Leah. So expect one this weekend, perhaps, while I'm not writing letters or theatre reviews.
I love you all.
-LL
p.s.- tomorrow is class theme day for Homecoming.
It's....VACATION!
seniors- jungle
juniors- disneyland
sophomores- beach
freshmen- hollywood.
Ours is definitely more legit, but I'll be dress as Alice from Alice in Wonderland ALL DAY. And people will give me strange looks. Lily among thorns. Pretty literally, I'd say. My guitar class should be pretty interesting.
I've figured out that the longer I wait to blog, the more comments I get. I gotta say, I LOVE getting the feedback. Not to a ridiculous point, but it makes me think about what I've said, or even what I haven't said.
I'm lovin the new layout. It reminds me of apple computers and their ever-awesome backgrounds.
I just got Sydney's letter today, which always makes my day WAY better. Especially because it was a Hello Kitty envelope, but that's a different story.
I'm not gonna just write out the whole letter, but there was one thing that stuck out to me. It's a rather normal thing to think, but she put it in a way that was like...whoa. She hit the nail on the head.
So she said:
"I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about guys, God, and love."
And I was like...dude. Sydney. You just put the ENTIRE content of my brain into a sentence. Sure there's school, sleeping, etc. to fit into our days.
But in the middle of that three-word sandwich, there's God. Which is essentially the easiest one to deal with. He's there. He loves you. He'll always be there. He'll always love you. He's all powerful, He's all knowing. He's omnipresent, He Himself IS understanding. There. You got it.
If I were to write her sentence again, I'd say "God, love, and guys"
because love is the middle, where things to gray for most.
I never know how to spell gray. Grey? Gray? Grey? Grae? I have no idea. Like on a math worksheet today, there was a name. Gheri. I said Gary. Apparently it's Jerry. Why don't you just frickin spell your name normal and stop making pre-calc students suffer?
Love is the gray area where things stop making sense. Some people tend to associate it more with guys, while not a whole lot of people in high school associate it with God. If I were to stand up in front of a pep rally, grab the microphone, and ask how many people would give up dating for their ENTIRE high school and college career, how many would raise their hand? What if they had to give up partying, drugs, drinking, even swearing until the end of high school? How many would really follow through?
Not many. To stand up in a pep rally by yourself anyway would be difficult. It might be easier for some to be like "I have AIDS" than to say "I believe that Jesus Christ is alive, God loves me, and I'm forgiven"
But if I had to make that decision, to stand up while everyone is sitting, I'd do it every time.
I've been having difficulty with that lately. Accepting that I'm the only one standing up. Especially when people are trying to get me to sit down, while being pelted with flying objects.
Obviously, standing up while everyone is sitting down makes you much more likely to be hit by said objects. A lot of people aren't going to agree, so I'm guessing these projectiles aren't going to be roses and other assortments of flowers. They're going to be unpleasant.
I'm learning that. The hard way. Lily among thorns has NEVER so aptly applied. Especially last night. I was taking a class full of almost 20 adults over 21. And there's me, the 16 year old, in my old roxy slip ons, dr. seuss notebook and all. I'd like to think that they admired my effort at taking an adult level class, but I'm not too sure. A lot of them thought I was younger than I am, though. But oh well!
Today's not a good day for a thoughtful blog de Leah. So expect one this weekend, perhaps, while I'm not writing letters or theatre reviews.
I love you all.
-LL
p.s.- tomorrow is class theme day for Homecoming.
It's....VACATION!
seniors- jungle
juniors- disneyland
sophomores- beach
freshmen- hollywood.
Ours is definitely more legit, but I'll be dress as Alice from Alice in Wonderland ALL DAY. And people will give me strange looks. Lily among thorns. Pretty literally, I'd say. My guitar class should be pretty interesting.
9.24.2009
weakness.leaving.the.body.
okay p.s. (pre-script)- New blog template. I know, it's only been like a month since I got my last one, but I was getting a little sick of it. I was going to do one that look like it was a notebook and had a cell phone at the top, a pen, a cup of coffee...well, you can just look for yourself.
But I've decided that's not what I want to publish my life as. Busy, cluttered, yet pretty cool looking. I'm maturing, and I want that to be obvious.
Back to our normally scheduled program
Being in public high school, I've heard quite a few motivational speakers and met quite a few people who just say random things that are like...whoa. Profound. But yesterday, I was having a conversation that made me realize how much of a lily among thorns I am.
Or I guess a lightbulb among the matches. So, in theatre, we have these really cliche scenes that we made ourselves with lines that are pre-picked, but you can arrange them and cut and paste them and blah blah blah.
In my scene, I ended up with the monologue. Good luck, right? Right. Well, it's all memorized, so I'm all good.
So I'm sitting in the library typing this, and these two guys in front of me (facing me) keep acting awed at how fast I type. I understand saying it the first time, but this is like the fifth time they've stared at my hands and said something. I think I type like 85, possibly 90 wpm on a good day. But with a blog, I have to think of what to say, so I type slower. Man. I must be like a superhero or something. And now one kid is just plain staring at me. TAKE A PICTURE IT'LL LAST LONGER!
Anyway. Monologue should go well. But one of the people (that's been missing for three days, frickin sickie!) wasn't there. So we pretty much could do nothing without her, so we were wandering around with our sister group (who was also missing their director, who is a vital part of their scene) and buying smoothies and whatnot. 2.75 for a smoothie, which I don't have. So everybody had one except for me, pretty much.
And Walt, my director, a senior who's also in Encore Plays (which are like actor gods to Chap) was just leaning on the stairs, after Cameron (who I've just recently gotten to know) walked away.
And Walt says:
I just would like to ask somebody that.
"Hey So-and-so, how do you hate a person?"
Based on their previous experiences, biases, and various notions, they'll tell you different things. I really couldn't think of how to answer that. Even to the point where I don't know where to begin.
Sure, people aren't my favorite.
But I really don't hate anybody. Then I figured, logically, what is the opposite? Love. If I took the exact opposite of what Walt said, it would be "I think there's a certain amount of love we're allowed to have."
I think that's true, as a human being. We can express our love, through being physical, through words, perhaps even through thought. But there's a boundary that love reaches and can't exceed.
Oh ho ho, my friend, but it can!
The love of God. I think it's because we're not supposed to hate. Hate poisons love, I'm pretty sure. The more you hate, the less you love. You can't hate somebody and love them at the same time.
There's a kid. I don't hate him, but as I've been putting it, I'm not his biggest fan. At all. In fact, if he said something even the slighest bit rude or mean, I'd be VERY tempted to go all crazy-leah-cage-match-UFC-fighter on his sorry butt. Or just punch him in the face. But I don't hate him. He's a nice guy, he's made many mistakes, he's alright. I love him like a brother. If I had to live with him, I wouldn't be too happy, but we get along alright.
But last week, for the first couple days of seeing him, I just really couldn't stand him. Everything he did was just obnoxious to me, every joke he made just wasn't funny, even the shirt he was wearing was ugly to me.
I seriously had to bite my tongue and not say anything I'd regret. Because I've already betrayed him once by saying something that I shouldn't have said, and I'm not doing that again. He deserves better than that.
So yeah, I don't hate him. I don't exactly like him right now, I'm not his biggest fan, and I don't really want to do him any favors anytime soon, but I do love him.
I'm capable of hating, but I just won't do it. I'm tempted A LOT, but again, I just can't. It's not right, and I don't want to be that way.
And that's my little "blurb" for the day, I guess. Love and hate. Angels and demons, almost.
Okay, while I still have some time...like ten minutes...I'll explore a little quote.
"Pain is weakness leaving the body"
Really? Really? I think pain lets us know that we need help. We're human, we can't do it alone. EVER. Pain. It could be getting a paper cut, it could be impaling yourself on a flag pole.
Yes, I shuddered when I wrote that. Try not to imagine the latter image.
Pain is just that. Pain. Hurt. It can be physical, which is usually implied through the dumb shirts that people wear that make them look REALLY REALLY REALLY cool. Not. Or emotional, mental pain even?
Emotional pain, that's something I relate to more. I've never been seriously injured physically, so I guess I wouldn't know the full bounds of pain. I was just thinking about the opposite of pain. I couldn't think of the word, so I looked it up.
Comfort, good health, well-being, joy.
We find comfort in that love. We find pain, suffering, trouble, in hate. Hating somebody doesn't make you feel too good, I'd imagine.
I'll leave it on that. Sorry it's a long blog, I typed it for 45 minutes...so. Have fun reading!
Jane Eyre opening night tonight! So...pretty much I left my house at 7:15 and I'll get home around 9:30. Woop de woop.
Love you guys.
-LL
But I've decided that's not what I want to publish my life as. Busy, cluttered, yet pretty cool looking. I'm maturing, and I want that to be obvious.
Back to our normally scheduled program
Being in public high school, I've heard quite a few motivational speakers and met quite a few people who just say random things that are like...whoa. Profound. But yesterday, I was having a conversation that made me realize how much of a lily among thorns I am.
Or I guess a lightbulb among the matches. So, in theatre, we have these really cliche scenes that we made ourselves with lines that are pre-picked, but you can arrange them and cut and paste them and blah blah blah.
In my scene, I ended up with the monologue. Good luck, right? Right. Well, it's all memorized, so I'm all good.
So I'm sitting in the library typing this, and these two guys in front of me (facing me) keep acting awed at how fast I type. I understand saying it the first time, but this is like the fifth time they've stared at my hands and said something. I think I type like 85, possibly 90 wpm on a good day. But with a blog, I have to think of what to say, so I type slower. Man. I must be like a superhero or something. And now one kid is just plain staring at me. TAKE A PICTURE IT'LL LAST LONGER!
Anyway. Monologue should go well. But one of the people (that's been missing for three days, frickin sickie!) wasn't there. So we pretty much could do nothing without her, so we were wandering around with our sister group (who was also missing their director, who is a vital part of their scene) and buying smoothies and whatnot. 2.75 for a smoothie, which I don't have. So everybody had one except for me, pretty much.
And Walt, my director, a senior who's also in Encore Plays (which are like actor gods to Chap) was just leaning on the stairs, after Cameron (who I've just recently gotten to know) walked away.
And Walt says:
"You know what? I think we have a certain amount of hate we're allowed to have. Like take, for example, Cameron Walter. I used to have a certain amount of hate for him last year. Not total hate, but just enough to be like 'man that guy just pisses me off!' but I've come to know him and he's a good guy. But now, it's for Brittany Schaffer. I mean, I just hate being around her. I don't like a lot of things about her, she's just annoying in general. So all my hate is just focused on her, I'm good with everyone else"
It's one of those moments I wanted to record and play back to him in ten years or so. But I realized how stupid he was for saying that. How do you hate a person?I just would like to ask somebody that.
"Hey So-and-so, how do you hate a person?"
Based on their previous experiences, biases, and various notions, they'll tell you different things. I really couldn't think of how to answer that. Even to the point where I don't know where to begin.
Sure, people aren't my favorite.
But I really don't hate anybody. Then I figured, logically, what is the opposite? Love. If I took the exact opposite of what Walt said, it would be "I think there's a certain amount of love we're allowed to have."
I think that's true, as a human being. We can express our love, through being physical, through words, perhaps even through thought. But there's a boundary that love reaches and can't exceed.
Oh ho ho, my friend, but it can!
The love of God. I think it's because we're not supposed to hate. Hate poisons love, I'm pretty sure. The more you hate, the less you love. You can't hate somebody and love them at the same time.
There's a kid. I don't hate him, but as I've been putting it, I'm not his biggest fan. At all. In fact, if he said something even the slighest bit rude or mean, I'd be VERY tempted to go all crazy-leah-cage-match-UFC-fighter on his sorry butt. Or just punch him in the face. But I don't hate him. He's a nice guy, he's made many mistakes, he's alright. I love him like a brother. If I had to live with him, I wouldn't be too happy, but we get along alright.
But last week, for the first couple days of seeing him, I just really couldn't stand him. Everything he did was just obnoxious to me, every joke he made just wasn't funny, even the shirt he was wearing was ugly to me.
I seriously had to bite my tongue and not say anything I'd regret. Because I've already betrayed him once by saying something that I shouldn't have said, and I'm not doing that again. He deserves better than that.
So yeah, I don't hate him. I don't exactly like him right now, I'm not his biggest fan, and I don't really want to do him any favors anytime soon, but I do love him.
I'm capable of hating, but I just won't do it. I'm tempted A LOT, but again, I just can't. It's not right, and I don't want to be that way.
And that's my little "blurb" for the day, I guess. Love and hate. Angels and demons, almost.
Okay, while I still have some time...like ten minutes...I'll explore a little quote.
"Pain is weakness leaving the body"
Really? Really? I think pain lets us know that we need help. We're human, we can't do it alone. EVER. Pain. It could be getting a paper cut, it could be impaling yourself on a flag pole.
Yes, I shuddered when I wrote that. Try not to imagine the latter image.
Pain is just that. Pain. Hurt. It can be physical, which is usually implied through the dumb shirts that people wear that make them look REALLY REALLY REALLY cool. Not. Or emotional, mental pain even?
Emotional pain, that's something I relate to more. I've never been seriously injured physically, so I guess I wouldn't know the full bounds of pain. I was just thinking about the opposite of pain. I couldn't think of the word, so I looked it up.
Comfort, good health, well-being, joy.
We find comfort in that love. We find pain, suffering, trouble, in hate. Hating somebody doesn't make you feel too good, I'd imagine.
I'll leave it on that. Sorry it's a long blog, I typed it for 45 minutes...so. Have fun reading!
Jane Eyre opening night tonight! So...pretty much I left my house at 7:15 and I'll get home around 9:30. Woop de woop.
Love you guys.
-LL
9.22.2009
were.hearts.made.whole.just.to.break?
Hmmm. So, I find it funny that I was texting Paanii this morning. We don't text as much as we used to, so it's usually initiated through some event. Or if I just feel like texting him. And vice versa, obviously.
But I was like heyo buddy [current situation that i'll get to lately] just happened and blah.
"So that's why you were crying during prayer?"
You have to understand that on Sundays, there's a 99% chance that I cry at some point. Sometimes it's just tears in my eyes, others it's plain crying.
But something had somewhat upset me, and I was holding it in for prayer. Because I knew that it would be constructive crying; to the point where I grabbed the tissue box, took it over to my corner, took off my shoes, set down the box, grabbed a tissue, and went to town.
That's when I thought of "Porcelain Heart" by Barlow Girl...
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again
But for the sake of argument, I'll use the term of a broken heart.
It's like everytime I put away the tissues, reapply the makeup, and stand back up again, I get shoved down. Of course we have the ever-motivational scriptures like "You are who God says you are" and "He'll never place on you more than you can bear"
But that just doesn't do it for me. That's nice if you're having to do planks in self defense and you feel like your abs are going to explode and your arms are going to fall off, or somebody called you a bad name.
After being "heart broken" so many times, I was ready to take myself back. After saying "Do whatever, God", I was ready to take myself back. I really didn't even wanna deal with anything, let alone something to do with a stupid overreactive boy that could care less. And because I'm myself, I thought of an analogy.
We have a car, right? Beat up, cracked windshield, seats with the stuffing coming out, I mean, this car is just torn apart. And this one super magical (yet unaware of the current "recession") repair place/garage decides they'll repair your car, brand new, for nothing.
Now, if you're not Jon & Kate Plus 8 or Kim Kardashian, this is pretty frickin insane to believe. Thousands of dollars in repairs for free, just because you're you.
But as your watching from the little window inside the waiting room of this repair place, sipping back on your free hot chocolate that has a little too much chocolate, you see them ripping out the seats, taking out the windshield, perhaps even taking a sledgehammer to things.
I mean, you GAVE them your car. You said "Hey guys, thank you SO much, here you go. Do whatever you want"
But after watching the demolition occur in your car, it's difficult to bear. Your parents bought you that car when you first learned to drive, your first roadtrip, practically all of your memories are in the car.
The end result. The end result is what makes it worth the cringing as you see your seats being reapholstered, your rearview mirror taken out and replaced, your windshield replaced by a new, uncracked windshield.
But the repairs just take SO long. I want to drive my car, I don't care how it looks, I don't care if it stalls, this is inconvenient.
God's the exact same way. His gift is free, and he gives it out liberally. We get to trade in our old beat up car, let Him have His way with it, and in the end, it's flawless...because His love is in every stitch of the apholstery, He has His cross hanging from our rearview mirror, we can see through our new windshield like we've never been able to see before. But a lot of the time it's painful. We experience the ripping, the tearing, the breaking, just to be made whole again.
There's a scripture that I have given to a few people, that completely convinces me that this process is worth it.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
-1 Peter 1:6
Man. You think about that, there's nothing that you don't want to do for His praise, glory, and honor. And I still think about this situation, the one I was talking about earlirer, and it upsets me. It really does make me feel stupid, not cared for, insignificant, and like I'm really not worth the chase at all.
Yet God Himself has run after me, for my ENTIRE life. This guy that's giving me crap is nothing compared to the grand scheme of things. I'm being tested, I'm having my seats reapholstered, and it's not pleasant.
So, that's my (Sydney) "blurb" for the day. It's a long blurb, because I'm home sick today, and I don't want to do any homework.
I love you all.
-LL
p.s.- I read 1 Peter over the summer, and decided to look at the context of what Peter was saying. Then I came upon the next two verses. So, enjoy, as a continuation:
"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
-verses 8, 9
9.19.2009
all.for.love
I don't know what to say right now.
After prayer, I feel like I have so much to say! So I'll start with one thought, and gradually work my way around.
I always pray in the same corner since a month or two ago. I like it because I hit a wall, I turn around, I hit the drums, I turn around. I don't have to think about walking. And it's just wood and orange. Mics and drums. More wood and orange.
But have you ever had it when you get a thought that's practically being screamed in your head?
This time it was "Somebody will fall in love with YOU. You, Leah Pauline. Just YOU."
I just read Grace's blog. And she realized that she's herself. She's Grace. Her best friends are best friends to Grace. And I was like whoa. I get that. I GET THAT!
At prayer, it just broke me down. Seven words that tore me apart. It's like "Yeah Leah, duh! Somebody's gonna fall in love with you."
No no no, blog reader. ME. Leah with all the flaws. Leah the one that nobody truly understands. The randomness, the crazyness, the crying, the love of guys that speak french, the "musician", everything. Of Leah.
I pretty much lost it, thinking about some guy that I don't even know yet. Or I might know him.
So with this, I realized that I've just become okay with crying. Like while praying yesterday, I didn't even realize I was crying. Like it's some kinda normal thing now! But only in church. Otherwise I feel like a little emotional girl who doesn't deal with things very well. But when I pray, it's like I'm not doing my job if I don't cry. Which leads me to ANOTHER point.
I sing loud when I want to. I can sing fairly quiet, or I can sing loud, because I've gotten pretty good at it.
But yesterday, I was singing so....hard...that my stomach started to hurt. And I felt like it wasn't enough. God deserved so much more than I was giving him. It's like, you know when you're friend is just...hurting, and you want to do everything for them, but you can't. But you do what you can. And somehow you find that balance, giving what you can and they take it all.
Except with God, it's times about a bajillion. He takes it ALL, and can still have room for more! Which is crazy. That's a whooollleee lot of worship. Which made me realize how much God wants me to understand. But I can't. He teaches, I slowly learn, and that process continues for the rest of my life.
Yet God has picked somebody out for me that will walk with me through this process. It'll be me, God, and my "One". It'll be great, I'm sure! Not just great, but awesome, amazing, any other MAJOR word that's really good.
So that's it. Homecoming is in two weeks, just thought i'd tell you. If I have any more drama, I'm shaving my head and putting ashes on it.
Not really =] just thought I'd get all biblical up in the blog.
Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day!!!
-LL
After prayer, I feel like I have so much to say! So I'll start with one thought, and gradually work my way around.
I always pray in the same corner since a month or two ago. I like it because I hit a wall, I turn around, I hit the drums, I turn around. I don't have to think about walking. And it's just wood and orange. Mics and drums. More wood and orange.
But have you ever had it when you get a thought that's practically being screamed in your head?
This time it was "Somebody will fall in love with YOU. You, Leah Pauline. Just YOU."
I just read Grace's blog. And she realized that she's herself. She's Grace. Her best friends are best friends to Grace. And I was like whoa. I get that. I GET THAT!
At prayer, it just broke me down. Seven words that tore me apart. It's like "Yeah Leah, duh! Somebody's gonna fall in love with you."
No no no, blog reader. ME. Leah with all the flaws. Leah the one that nobody truly understands. The randomness, the crazyness, the crying, the love of guys that speak french, the "musician", everything. Of Leah.
I pretty much lost it, thinking about some guy that I don't even know yet. Or I might know him.
So with this, I realized that I've just become okay with crying. Like while praying yesterday, I didn't even realize I was crying. Like it's some kinda normal thing now! But only in church. Otherwise I feel like a little emotional girl who doesn't deal with things very well. But when I pray, it's like I'm not doing my job if I don't cry. Which leads me to ANOTHER point.
I sing loud when I want to. I can sing fairly quiet, or I can sing loud, because I've gotten pretty good at it.
But yesterday, I was singing so....hard...that my stomach started to hurt. And I felt like it wasn't enough. God deserved so much more than I was giving him. It's like, you know when you're friend is just...hurting, and you want to do everything for them, but you can't. But you do what you can. And somehow you find that balance, giving what you can and they take it all.
Except with God, it's times about a bajillion. He takes it ALL, and can still have room for more! Which is crazy. That's a whooollleee lot of worship. Which made me realize how much God wants me to understand. But I can't. He teaches, I slowly learn, and that process continues for the rest of my life.
Yet God has picked somebody out for me that will walk with me through this process. It'll be me, God, and my "One". It'll be great, I'm sure! Not just great, but awesome, amazing, any other MAJOR word that's really good.
So that's it. Homecoming is in two weeks, just thought i'd tell you. If I have any more drama, I'm shaving my head and putting ashes on it.
Not really =] just thought I'd get all biblical up in the blog.
Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day!!!
-LL
9.16.2009
its.your.love.that.has.saved.me
It's a day where I'm kinda sick of everything.
Anyway.
ANYWAY. I tend to say that a lot. So, today, I have a list of Leah's mannerisms:
anyway.
okay so.
with that,
obviously.
i dunno.
aaaannnndddd
I think that's it. So...lately, I've lost my words. When speaking, when writing...it's just...left. Especially when I'm trying to express something that I have strong feelings about.
Like, for example: when you're really excited to find out the results of something. And in anticipation, you just happen to have friends asks you why you're so...antsy, happy, confused-looking, etc.
You tell them, and of course, they say "tell me the results when you get them!"
Well results didn't turn out the way you anticipated. At all. Quite the opposite, really.
Then for the follwoing three days, people remember what they had said and say "SO DO YOU KNOW?" And I have to re-live the emotions as I tell them the story.
Like today, I had to explain it for the billionth time.
Which turned into a "long story short". Then I had to go eat a cookie. It's like I'm okay with the result, I learn to live with it, I realize it's not a big deal, then I'm thrown right back into the funk of rejection.
It's not like somebody died. Nobody's pregnant (this time), and I'm just as broke as I was yesterday (minus $25, which was used to buy 2 theatre t-shirts that i HAVE to buy. I could've bought two pairs of jeans at ross. legit).
But it's just put me in a funk. Best way to describe it.
So. That's it. I'm listening to Jack Johnson, just because he's my calming. Legit. I don't even know why.
And "Sea of Love" by Cat Power. That usually gets me.
Guess what? I REMEMBERD WHAT I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT!
The girl that I wrote about last....hhmmmm....Friday? Yes, Friday. After I wrote the blog, I was like
"Ya know Allie, I'm always so mean to you! Or at least I act mean. I've never hugged you in my life."
So I hugged her. And said
"You're just really nice. You're a good person, Allie, I don't think anybody tells you that"
And it's like from that point forward, she decided we were cool. She talks to me, she jokes with me, she stands next to me in warm-ups. She laughs at my jokes, even!
It's just nice to know that words can have that kind of a positive effect. I'm tired of learning the negative effects, ya know? I read a verse yesterday in my devotional:
"The right word spoken at the right time is as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl"
by the way, the YLT translation sounds like Yoda. I just realized this. Look it up and you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
Gold apples in a silver bowl. That's pretty...legit. This scripture is pretty much like my making my life right now. Because I want people to say things, I want things to happen, I want to climb ladders! But everything works out just right.
The "result"...I could've found out earlier, later, maybe not at all. But it was destined to happen when it did. It had to go the way it did, and I had to experience it.
But on the other tangential hand, (vocab word heck yes!) it's when God tugs on your heart to say something to somebody.
"I don't know why, but I feel like I should tell you that you look really good today"
That can pretty much make somebody's life. See, I would know. That tends to happen to me a lot. God's uncanny sometimes. Like "whoa...how did you know that?"
So that's my "blurb" for the day. Again, quoting Sydney. I love that chica.
-LL
Anyway.
ANYWAY. I tend to say that a lot. So, today, I have a list of Leah's mannerisms:
anyway.
okay so.
with that,
obviously.
i dunno.
aaaannnndddd
I think that's it. So...lately, I've lost my words. When speaking, when writing...it's just...left. Especially when I'm trying to express something that I have strong feelings about.
Like, for example: when you're really excited to find out the results of something. And in anticipation, you just happen to have friends asks you why you're so...antsy, happy, confused-looking, etc.
You tell them, and of course, they say "tell me the results when you get them!"
Well results didn't turn out the way you anticipated. At all. Quite the opposite, really.
Then for the follwoing three days, people remember what they had said and say "SO DO YOU KNOW?" And I have to re-live the emotions as I tell them the story.
Like today, I had to explain it for the billionth time.
Which turned into a "long story short". Then I had to go eat a cookie. It's like I'm okay with the result, I learn to live with it, I realize it's not a big deal, then I'm thrown right back into the funk of rejection.
It's not like somebody died. Nobody's pregnant (this time), and I'm just as broke as I was yesterday (minus $25, which was used to buy 2 theatre t-shirts that i HAVE to buy. I could've bought two pairs of jeans at ross. legit).
But it's just put me in a funk. Best way to describe it.
So. That's it. I'm listening to Jack Johnson, just because he's my calming. Legit. I don't even know why.
And "Sea of Love" by Cat Power. That usually gets me.
Guess what? I REMEMBERD WHAT I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT!
The girl that I wrote about last....hhmmmm....Friday? Yes, Friday. After I wrote the blog, I was like
"Ya know Allie, I'm always so mean to you! Or at least I act mean. I've never hugged you in my life."
So I hugged her. And said
"You're just really nice. You're a good person, Allie, I don't think anybody tells you that"
And it's like from that point forward, she decided we were cool. She talks to me, she jokes with me, she stands next to me in warm-ups. She laughs at my jokes, even!
It's just nice to know that words can have that kind of a positive effect. I'm tired of learning the negative effects, ya know? I read a verse yesterday in my devotional:
"The right word spoken at the right time is as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl"
by the way, the YLT translation sounds like Yoda. I just realized this. Look it up and you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
Gold apples in a silver bowl. That's pretty...legit. This scripture is pretty much like my making my life right now. Because I want people to say things, I want things to happen, I want to climb ladders! But everything works out just right.
The "result"...I could've found out earlier, later, maybe not at all. But it was destined to happen when it did. It had to go the way it did, and I had to experience it.
But on the other tangential hand, (vocab word heck yes!) it's when God tugs on your heart to say something to somebody.
"I don't know why, but I feel like I should tell you that you look really good today"
That can pretty much make somebody's life. See, I would know. That tends to happen to me a lot. God's uncanny sometimes. Like "whoa...how did you know that?"
So that's my "blurb" for the day. Again, quoting Sydney. I love that chica.
-LL
9.15.2009
you.took.my.place.you.showed.me.grace
Man. Nothing to say.
Or more like...so much to say. I keep thinking about the same thing I'd like to write a blog about when I'm walking from fifth to sixth period in front of the office. It's crazy. Yet I can never remember when it comes to writing. Dang.
Hmmm....well, I'll be sure to write down my good ideas.
I'd tell you how bad yesterday was, but....
okay okay. I'll tell you how bad yesterday was.
First period- off.
I woke up in a relatively good mood, thanks to "Lead Me to the Cross" as my wake-up-ringtone.
Showered. Relatively normal.
I decided yesterday wasn't a pretty day. So I sprayed the crap out of my hair and put it in a bun, which looked relatively cute for being ugly. Because I added the bow and all. Bows make anything cute...within reason.
Pre-second period: I go to the library to print out my conclusion. I forgot to save it as an attachment to my email that I emailed myself, since our printer is broken and all. That was great.
Second period: "Get out your vocab books" "CRAP." Not only did I forget to bring my vocab book, I forgot to do it COMPLETELY. So we answer in a circle, right? Like we sit and a circle and go in a line to say the answers. So I'd say "pass" with a smile everytime. It made my teacher laugh. Every time. She then comes around to see our conclusions...so I say "Long story short, I don't have it"
and she says "Well today just isn't your day, now is it?"
No, Mrs. O'Connell, it wasn't.
Third period: Chemistry. Lab partner likes to feel sorry for himself, says he's going to drive off of a bridge. Well, considering there are no major bridges around here, I wasn't too worried. I'd visit him in the hospital. Chemistry was pretty uneventful..
Fourth period: FREEZING COLD AS ALWAYS. Heather also wasn't there...eye appointment. Heather Hunsaker is like my history goddess. She always keeps me entertained. We started a three/four day long movie, which is a HECK YESSS for a lazy person like me.
Fifth period: Pre-calc. Oh joy of joys, right? Math. Nuff said. STILL freezing cold.
Sixth period: Guitar. So I walk up to the guitar room, when Robert Moroni (the demon seed of atheism and all that is perverted) says "OH Leah I borrowed your guitar here ya go." Oh gee, Robert, thanks. Not only that, but I get in the class, unzip my case, and start to play.
Wait a second. This doesn't sound right
"Leah T you're up next"
Oh wait. He tuned it three half-steps lower. THANKS ROBERT. Not only am I unprepared to perform my song, but I also have to FRICKIN RE-TUNE MY GUITAR.
At this point, I was about five minutes from crying or punching somebody in the face. Not only that, but this classroom is ALSO very cold. I performed, got a 95, long story short. It was good.
Lunch. HALLELUJAH. I explain everything I've just said in about fifteen minutes, with innate detail about being rejected as a date/friend/friend-date.
Seventh period: Spanish- sucky. As usual. Our teacher teaches us nothing then yells at us when we fail tests; however, I didn't fail this one! I got a B.
Eighth period: Theatre. Pretty chill and all. I'm never really mad at theatre. Except for Mike Powell who's dumb and thinks he's the stuff.
After school: makeup training. Oh wait, I'm the ONLY ONE who wasn't told that it was moved to Wednesday! I could've gone home. No, I stayed for about a half hour. Sat through the other crew meeting.
I decide to eat vanilla frozen yogurt with pieces of peach. Yum-tastic! Then I was like Oh I'm gonna watch the Lion King. I decided instead to do homework and start on my paper.
There we go. Procrastinator Leah was defeated. Or at least delayed.
And then I decided I would listen to "You Belong With Me" just because i'm starting to like that song.
Then I remember that no real story ends like Taylor Swift's videos. The whole "bad day" thing comes back, RIGHT when I'm writing my essay. So I'm sitting there, trying to not to cry because I feel sorry for myself. Oh yeah, pleasant place to be. Writing about fast food, holding back tears, listening to Taylor Swift. Best night of my life. NOT.
Again, I'm a crier. Just the way I am.
So that was my day. I woke up today to the same ringtone and decided that it would be good no matter what was thrown at me.
It worked fairly well! I think we should live everyday like that. Or at least, I should. Because when I'm unpleasant, I'm UNPLEASANT. Legit.
And then Molly texted me mid-morning a scripture, which makes me love her more than I already do, which is nearly impossible.
"...You will walk in a manner worth yof the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all power according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience"
-Colossians 1:10-11
I gotta say that it's been one of those times where I don't feel like being myself. It's like in the Sims. When you get sick of one family, when things get to complicated, you just start another one.
Nope. Real life here, dorky Leah.
So that's my rant for the day. My tangent, if you will.
I love you all.
And my last bucket list item didn't work out at all...yet. There's still next year! and prom. And homegoing.
-LL
Or more like...so much to say. I keep thinking about the same thing I'd like to write a blog about when I'm walking from fifth to sixth period in front of the office. It's crazy. Yet I can never remember when it comes to writing. Dang.
Hmmm....well, I'll be sure to write down my good ideas.
I'd tell you how bad yesterday was, but....
okay okay. I'll tell you how bad yesterday was.
First period- off.
I woke up in a relatively good mood, thanks to "Lead Me to the Cross" as my wake-up-ringtone.
Showered. Relatively normal.
I decided yesterday wasn't a pretty day. So I sprayed the crap out of my hair and put it in a bun, which looked relatively cute for being ugly. Because I added the bow and all. Bows make anything cute...within reason.
Pre-second period: I go to the library to print out my conclusion. I forgot to save it as an attachment to my email that I emailed myself, since our printer is broken and all. That was great.
Second period: "Get out your vocab books" "CRAP." Not only did I forget to bring my vocab book, I forgot to do it COMPLETELY. So we answer in a circle, right? Like we sit and a circle and go in a line to say the answers. So I'd say "pass" with a smile everytime. It made my teacher laugh. Every time. She then comes around to see our conclusions...so I say "Long story short, I don't have it"
and she says "Well today just isn't your day, now is it?"
No, Mrs. O'Connell, it wasn't.
Third period: Chemistry. Lab partner likes to feel sorry for himself, says he's going to drive off of a bridge. Well, considering there are no major bridges around here, I wasn't too worried. I'd visit him in the hospital. Chemistry was pretty uneventful..
Fourth period: FREEZING COLD AS ALWAYS. Heather also wasn't there...eye appointment. Heather Hunsaker is like my history goddess. She always keeps me entertained. We started a three/four day long movie, which is a HECK YESSS for a lazy person like me.
Fifth period: Pre-calc. Oh joy of joys, right? Math. Nuff said. STILL freezing cold.
Sixth period: Guitar. So I walk up to the guitar room, when Robert Moroni (the demon seed of atheism and all that is perverted) says "OH Leah I borrowed your guitar here ya go." Oh gee, Robert, thanks. Not only that, but I get in the class, unzip my case, and start to play.
Wait a second. This doesn't sound right
"Leah T you're up next"
Oh wait. He tuned it three half-steps lower. THANKS ROBERT. Not only am I unprepared to perform my song, but I also have to FRICKIN RE-TUNE MY GUITAR.
At this point, I was about five minutes from crying or punching somebody in the face. Not only that, but this classroom is ALSO very cold. I performed, got a 95, long story short. It was good.
Lunch. HALLELUJAH. I explain everything I've just said in about fifteen minutes, with innate detail about being rejected as a date/friend/friend-date.
Seventh period: Spanish- sucky. As usual. Our teacher teaches us nothing then yells at us when we fail tests; however, I didn't fail this one! I got a B.
Eighth period: Theatre. Pretty chill and all. I'm never really mad at theatre. Except for Mike Powell who's dumb and thinks he's the stuff.
After school: makeup training. Oh wait, I'm the ONLY ONE who wasn't told that it was moved to Wednesday! I could've gone home. No, I stayed for about a half hour. Sat through the other crew meeting.
I decide to eat vanilla frozen yogurt with pieces of peach. Yum-tastic! Then I was like Oh I'm gonna watch the Lion King. I decided instead to do homework and start on my paper.
There we go. Procrastinator Leah was defeated. Or at least delayed.
And then I decided I would listen to "You Belong With Me" just because i'm starting to like that song.
Then I remember that no real story ends like Taylor Swift's videos. The whole "bad day" thing comes back, RIGHT when I'm writing my essay. So I'm sitting there, trying to not to cry because I feel sorry for myself. Oh yeah, pleasant place to be. Writing about fast food, holding back tears, listening to Taylor Swift. Best night of my life. NOT.
Again, I'm a crier. Just the way I am.
So that was my day. I woke up today to the same ringtone and decided that it would be good no matter what was thrown at me.
It worked fairly well! I think we should live everyday like that. Or at least, I should. Because when I'm unpleasant, I'm UNPLEASANT. Legit.
And then Molly texted me mid-morning a scripture, which makes me love her more than I already do, which is nearly impossible.
"...You will walk in a manner worth yof the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all power according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience"
-Colossians 1:10-11
I gotta say that it's been one of those times where I don't feel like being myself. It's like in the Sims. When you get sick of one family, when things get to complicated, you just start another one.
Nope. Real life here, dorky Leah.
So that's my rant for the day. My tangent, if you will.
I love you all.
And my last bucket list item didn't work out at all...yet. There's still next year! and prom. And homegoing.
-LL
9.12.2009
you.gave.me.hope.you.made.me.whole
So when I shower, I usually have some kind of random thought pattern. Okay okay, EXTREMELY random.
But lately, I've been thinking about a single subject. Vulnerability.
My dog just walked by. For some reason, she's wearing a cape. Like she's just walkin by, normally. With a cape. I was like "WHAT?"
Anyway. When I think vulnerable, I think about tears. Crying, I mean. Not just like "hey drops of water that come from your eyes". I think it's because that's the most common way of showing vulnerability. Especially to God. And God LOVES when you make yourself vulnerable. Just kind of saying "here God, I'm laying it all on the line. I know I could totally be shoved to the ground and disappointed, but I KNOW you won't do that"
I find myself to be a vulnerable person. Or at least, I make myself vulnerable. Meaning I cry a lot, yeah, but on a different kind of level. I like to talk to people. A lot.
If you trust me, it pretty much makes my life. When I'm confided in, it makes me feel like I make a difference. It could be a little difference, or it could mean life itself. But I know that there were certain people that were just...there. God brought them to do something, even if it was texting me hello, that made a big difference.
Anyway. I've become okay with being vulnerable. If somebody can learn from my heartbreak, it makes that pain completely worth it. And if they go around telling of my experiences, maybe somebody else needed it too...I just know not to trust that person as much as I used to.
So. I think a few people I know are learning to empty themselves. And as you'd probably guess, it's never too pretty. Emptying out isn't an easy process. I had to cry, I had to say goodbye to people that I thought meant a lot to me, I had to be hurt, i had to fail tests, just to hit rock bottom. It ESPECIALLY sucks when you think rock bottom is much higher than it really is. It's like "Hey i made it! I can start climbing again!" Nope. You've got a while more to go.
And once you hit that bottom, that's where you find it. The epitomy of being vulnerable. When you're just like "I'm done. I'm crying, I'm hurting, God....take me. Take ALL of me. I'm tired of trying to feel better by running away from you" and then bam. It's like you're eternally vulnerable, always open to Him. It's opening the door for the first time to see Him standing there. He was just waiting. Waiting for you to open the door. After that, it's always open. You see Him there. You may forget He's there at some point, but He's ALWAYS standing there.
See, my top five "hardest-crying-moments" have all been at church. Wait, with exception of maybe one. But in all of them, I had just given up.
Given up trying to do it on my own.
On trying to feel loved,
On my own future,
On my passions.
And every time, I was found. Completely and totally. And I used about five tissues per experience, and I mean the kind where you use them up so much that they become one big ball that starts falling apart.
So, that's my little "blurb" for the day.
And just a little side note....I love watching people grow, which seems to be happening at an accelerated pace currently. Or at least, I've started noticing it. It's definitely a new season, and we have enough previous crap to make plenty of fertilizer! I mean I do. I don't know about everybody else.
Last note. On the Hillsong CD "Faith + Hope + Love", you HAVE to listen to #10.... "His Glory Appears"
I'm pretty much in love with this song today. Or just in love with it, period.
And His glory appears
Like the light from the sun
Age to age He shines
Look to the skies
Hear the angels cry
Singing "Holy is the Lord"
-LL
But lately, I've been thinking about a single subject. Vulnerability.
My dog just walked by. For some reason, she's wearing a cape. Like she's just walkin by, normally. With a cape. I was like "WHAT?"
Anyway. When I think vulnerable, I think about tears. Crying, I mean. Not just like "hey drops of water that come from your eyes". I think it's because that's the most common way of showing vulnerability. Especially to God. And God LOVES when you make yourself vulnerable. Just kind of saying "here God, I'm laying it all on the line. I know I could totally be shoved to the ground and disappointed, but I KNOW you won't do that"
I find myself to be a vulnerable person. Or at least, I make myself vulnerable. Meaning I cry a lot, yeah, but on a different kind of level. I like to talk to people. A lot.
If you trust me, it pretty much makes my life. When I'm confided in, it makes me feel like I make a difference. It could be a little difference, or it could mean life itself. But I know that there were certain people that were just...there. God brought them to do something, even if it was texting me hello, that made a big difference.
Anyway. I've become okay with being vulnerable. If somebody can learn from my heartbreak, it makes that pain completely worth it. And if they go around telling of my experiences, maybe somebody else needed it too...I just know not to trust that person as much as I used to.
So. I think a few people I know are learning to empty themselves. And as you'd probably guess, it's never too pretty. Emptying out isn't an easy process. I had to cry, I had to say goodbye to people that I thought meant a lot to me, I had to be hurt, i had to fail tests, just to hit rock bottom. It ESPECIALLY sucks when you think rock bottom is much higher than it really is. It's like "Hey i made it! I can start climbing again!" Nope. You've got a while more to go.
And once you hit that bottom, that's where you find it. The epitomy of being vulnerable. When you're just like "I'm done. I'm crying, I'm hurting, God....take me. Take ALL of me. I'm tired of trying to feel better by running away from you" and then bam. It's like you're eternally vulnerable, always open to Him. It's opening the door for the first time to see Him standing there. He was just waiting. Waiting for you to open the door. After that, it's always open. You see Him there. You may forget He's there at some point, but He's ALWAYS standing there.
See, my top five "hardest-crying-moments" have all been at church. Wait, with exception of maybe one. But in all of them, I had just given up.
Given up trying to do it on my own.
On trying to feel loved,
On my own future,
On my passions.
And every time, I was found. Completely and totally. And I used about five tissues per experience, and I mean the kind where you use them up so much that they become one big ball that starts falling apart.
So, that's my little "blurb" for the day.
And just a little side note....I love watching people grow, which seems to be happening at an accelerated pace currently. Or at least, I've started noticing it. It's definitely a new season, and we have enough previous crap to make plenty of fertilizer! I mean I do. I don't know about everybody else.
Last note. On the Hillsong CD "Faith + Hope + Love", you HAVE to listen to #10.... "His Glory Appears"
I'm pretty much in love with this song today. Or just in love with it, period.
And His glory appears
Like the light from the sun
Age to age He shines
Look to the skies
Hear the angels cry
Singing "Holy is the Lord"
-LL
9.11.2009
you.hold.me.now
Shhh...I'm posting from school. Some computer administration person is probably being like "oh no...she's not supposed to do that" while watching me from some little back corner office that never sees the light of day and is fueled by coffee and assorted pastries.
Or not. Well. Anyway. It's Friday. Thank the Lord. LITERALLY, thanking the Lord right now. Although this week was only four days long, it's like it was FOR.EVER.
I think mostly because my patience is really being tested right now. In a lot of different areas. And when I tell anybody this, they say...."pray about it". As generic seven year old as I am, I'm not just saying "Hey God, can you please not let this happen? Thanks Buddy. Oh wait and can I have a barbie for Christmas too?"
No. I got rid of the final shred of that last year. It was funny because I'd find myself praying "God, let Your will be done, even if it's something that I don't want to happen"
Then I'd think "Uh oh. God, you made me say that. Well, give me strength. Everything is in your purpose"
God is a funny one, I tell ya! Not like "oh she said talking muffin!" funny, but like wow God this is crazy ironic! I also just am "hurrying up to wait".
A lot. It's like I look forward to the future when things are different, but I'd like to keep some things the way they are right now.
p.s.- just checked my grade. I have a 95 in Chem Honors. I feel like a frickin genius. Anyway.
But I can't have it the way I want it. God definitely considers what I'm saying when I pray, He KNOWS the desires of my heart, but all things happen the way He wants them to, and I'm becoming content with that.
On a separate note, I'm learning about love. You might be saying, "well duh!" because you learn a little more about love every day. Actually a lot more about love every day. There are some people that I'd never guess lacked love. Or at least, the feeling of love.
Take for example, a girl named Allie. I've known her since last semester, and she's funny. She also has this irrational fear of holding girls' hands. But for the first time, with help from my friend Emma, I noticed that she had scars. Pretty bad ones, too. But she wears certain long sleeved shirts and shorts to cover them up. If you met her, you'd be pretty shocked, I think. She's the girl with the cute EVERYTHING. She's my kinda blonde, she's tall, she's an AMAZING swimmer, she's pretty. She has a boyfriend who actually sits next to me in History, but that's a different story. It seems as if she has it all. But I just saw these scars yesterday, and I felt like she puts on a happy face in hopes of maybe slowly succumbing (is that a word?) to her mask. Like because she wears this mask, maybe it'll become her true face. When, in fact, it never will. While the mask is worn, the face rots away, almost.
I try to be genuine. I'm not saying she should act all depressed all the time and cry and be sad, but you have to acknowledge you're in a hole to climb out. I cry. I laugh. I get super pissed at people and....cry some more? You know this. It's just the way that I am. I'm also not saying that when I greet somebody I say "I have serious abandonment issues that make me feel like I'm completely alone. What's your name?"
No. But there's a way to acknowledge that and instead of letting it dwell in the nooks and crannies of your heart, just flush it out.
THAT, my friend, is why I cry. I don't internalize. I feel it, I get over it. And if I don't feel it, it takes a whole lot more tears later, because I HAVE to feel it.
Such as yesterday. My history teacher finished his three day long story about his entire life, and the sadness of everything was crammed into the last ten minutes, not even kidding. In those last ten minutes, I had to hold my breath to stop from just bawling. It doesn't take nothing to make me cry, but I'm not made of solid steel, either. Nobody may have seen God in his story, but it was labeled as that. Or at least, it was by me. He made all these bad decisions, became an NBA ref, opened his own Baskin Robbins, befriended two teenage girls with cancer, and yet now he's standing in front of a class full of Juniors in a freezing mobile that never warms up. EVER.
It was difficult not to say anything. Because at a few points during this story, if I even opened my mouth I would've started bawling. Luckily, I held myself together.
Something that's a little strange is I've only had one teacher I dislike. My algebra I teacher freshman year also told us his story...about how his father owned a well-known company, and he had an expensive car and a college fund, and he was just all set. Turns out, his father's company goes down the tubes. Not only is their family forced to declare bankruptcy, but also the company. So Mr. Stirrup, my teacher, has to go to college, ASU, for his first year of school. He has to work two jobs to pay for tuition, go to school, and maybe sleep. He gets kicked out for his low grades, goes to a community college, and gets back into ASU as a sophomore. All in all, he ends up getting his Masters in Mathematics and other mathematical stuff, and that was it.
And this is why God is one funny guy! I've met these two teachers that pretty much convinced me that everything can just turn around.
With that, I remember "God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things!". A lot of people would be like "that doesn't make sense" but to me, it does. Completely. Because that's pretty much gonna be my life story.
In a blog after apex, I was saying how Sonia said that Lovely Leah was kind of an oxymoron. Now I think my whole life is just one big oxymoron. Since I'm going against what a lot of people tell me and all.
Okay one more "blurb" (go Sydney!) and I'm done. I might be interviewed to be on the "culture/religion" page of the yearbook. I thought this was funny.
Why do more people accept the fact that their friends smoke pot than the fact that they're on fire for God?
It's like "So and so went to whatsherface's party and got soooo wasted and slept with whatsherface's boyfriend and now she's pregnant!"
"Oh yeah dude, I heard. So did guyman's girlfriend. She's such a..."
But with us, you hear "Did you know she's a hardcore Christian chick?"
"Psht, are you serious? She's SUCH a hypocrite. I hate people like that."
Annnddd I'm pretty sure if I slapped somebody for insulting my "religion" I'd TOTALLY win over the Vice Principals. Don't worry. I'm not gonna hit anybody.
I just think it's funny that they squeeze us into a page in a yearbook along with the Buddhists, Mormons, and Muslims. Right next to an advertisements for Planned Parenthood or something.
That's just...not right.
Okay okay. I have...twenty minutes left in the library. But I think I'm done with this blog post.
I love you all.
Happy Patriots Day.
-LL
Or not. Well. Anyway. It's Friday. Thank the Lord. LITERALLY, thanking the Lord right now. Although this week was only four days long, it's like it was FOR.EVER.
I think mostly because my patience is really being tested right now. In a lot of different areas. And when I tell anybody this, they say...."pray about it". As generic seven year old as I am, I'm not just saying "Hey God, can you please not let this happen? Thanks Buddy. Oh wait and can I have a barbie for Christmas too?"
No. I got rid of the final shred of that last year. It was funny because I'd find myself praying "God, let Your will be done, even if it's something that I don't want to happen"
Then I'd think "Uh oh. God, you made me say that. Well, give me strength. Everything is in your purpose"
God is a funny one, I tell ya! Not like "oh she said talking muffin!" funny, but like wow God this is crazy ironic! I also just am "hurrying up to wait".
A lot. It's like I look forward to the future when things are different, but I'd like to keep some things the way they are right now.
p.s.- just checked my grade. I have a 95 in Chem Honors. I feel like a frickin genius. Anyway.
But I can't have it the way I want it. God definitely considers what I'm saying when I pray, He KNOWS the desires of my heart, but all things happen the way He wants them to, and I'm becoming content with that.
On a separate note, I'm learning about love. You might be saying, "well duh!" because you learn a little more about love every day. Actually a lot more about love every day. There are some people that I'd never guess lacked love. Or at least, the feeling of love.
Take for example, a girl named Allie. I've known her since last semester, and she's funny. She also has this irrational fear of holding girls' hands. But for the first time, with help from my friend Emma, I noticed that she had scars. Pretty bad ones, too. But she wears certain long sleeved shirts and shorts to cover them up. If you met her, you'd be pretty shocked, I think. She's the girl with the cute EVERYTHING. She's my kinda blonde, she's tall, she's an AMAZING swimmer, she's pretty. She has a boyfriend who actually sits next to me in History, but that's a different story. It seems as if she has it all. But I just saw these scars yesterday, and I felt like she puts on a happy face in hopes of maybe slowly succumbing (is that a word?) to her mask. Like because she wears this mask, maybe it'll become her true face. When, in fact, it never will. While the mask is worn, the face rots away, almost.
I try to be genuine. I'm not saying she should act all depressed all the time and cry and be sad, but you have to acknowledge you're in a hole to climb out. I cry. I laugh. I get super pissed at people and....cry some more? You know this. It's just the way that I am. I'm also not saying that when I greet somebody I say "I have serious abandonment issues that make me feel like I'm completely alone. What's your name?"
No. But there's a way to acknowledge that and instead of letting it dwell in the nooks and crannies of your heart, just flush it out.
THAT, my friend, is why I cry. I don't internalize. I feel it, I get over it. And if I don't feel it, it takes a whole lot more tears later, because I HAVE to feel it.
Such as yesterday. My history teacher finished his three day long story about his entire life, and the sadness of everything was crammed into the last ten minutes, not even kidding. In those last ten minutes, I had to hold my breath to stop from just bawling. It doesn't take nothing to make me cry, but I'm not made of solid steel, either. Nobody may have seen God in his story, but it was labeled as that. Or at least, it was by me. He made all these bad decisions, became an NBA ref, opened his own Baskin Robbins, befriended two teenage girls with cancer, and yet now he's standing in front of a class full of Juniors in a freezing mobile that never warms up. EVER.
It was difficult not to say anything. Because at a few points during this story, if I even opened my mouth I would've started bawling. Luckily, I held myself together.
Something that's a little strange is I've only had one teacher I dislike. My algebra I teacher freshman year also told us his story...about how his father owned a well-known company, and he had an expensive car and a college fund, and he was just all set. Turns out, his father's company goes down the tubes. Not only is their family forced to declare bankruptcy, but also the company. So Mr. Stirrup, my teacher, has to go to college, ASU, for his first year of school. He has to work two jobs to pay for tuition, go to school, and maybe sleep. He gets kicked out for his low grades, goes to a community college, and gets back into ASU as a sophomore. All in all, he ends up getting his Masters in Mathematics and other mathematical stuff, and that was it.
And this is why God is one funny guy! I've met these two teachers that pretty much convinced me that everything can just turn around.
With that, I remember "God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things!". A lot of people would be like "that doesn't make sense" but to me, it does. Completely. Because that's pretty much gonna be my life story.
In a blog after apex, I was saying how Sonia said that Lovely Leah was kind of an oxymoron. Now I think my whole life is just one big oxymoron. Since I'm going against what a lot of people tell me and all.
Okay one more "blurb" (go Sydney!) and I'm done. I might be interviewed to be on the "culture/religion" page of the yearbook. I thought this was funny.
Why do more people accept the fact that their friends smoke pot than the fact that they're on fire for God?
It's like "So and so went to whatsherface's party and got soooo wasted and slept with whatsherface's boyfriend and now she's pregnant!"
"Oh yeah dude, I heard. So did guyman's girlfriend. She's such a..."
But with us, you hear "Did you know she's a hardcore Christian chick?"
"Psht, are you serious? She's SUCH a hypocrite. I hate people like that."
Annnddd I'm pretty sure if I slapped somebody for insulting my "religion" I'd TOTALLY win over the Vice Principals. Don't worry. I'm not gonna hit anybody.
I just think it's funny that they squeeze us into a page in a yearbook along with the Buddhists, Mormons, and Muslims. Right next to an advertisements for Planned Parenthood or something.
That's just...not right.
Okay okay. I have...twenty minutes left in the library. But I think I'm done with this blog post.
I love you all.
Happy Patriots Day.
-LL
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