Savior / He can move the mountains

So I feel like I'm on a music binge. A movies and music binge. Wow I just need to grow a moustache and play halo all the time. Perhaps then I'll be cool! Or I can be like four gregs. They take cool to a new level.
Anyway. Wow. Today was really short...but I felt like it was a year long at the same time. Yeah, no, I'm not on drugs. But it's like SO much went on in the course of a day! It just doesn't....feel right.
And while I was driving (okay, okay, riding. minor technicality. get over it) I was like whoa. It's almost September 2009. Then I realized that I remember September 2001 like it was yesterday. I was 8. That was 8 years ago.
Yet in eight years, I'll be 24. Can I just say that's CRAZY? Eight years later I'll be 32. Needless to say you all can count. You learned to do so around the age of eight! But...back to when I was thinking and riding.
Carly (mi guitarra amiga) and I were talking about how when we have little babies they'll have those little tiny vans slip ons.
Like the ones I've supplied you a picture of. THEY'RE JUST SO FRICKIN ADORABLE!
I was replaying this conversation in my head of how they'll only wear them for like two seconds but those two seconds will be the CUTEST two seconds of my life. Two seconds. Gah!
And I was like whoa. Why am I thinking about future children? This is a little crazy. Then I was like "well other teenage girls have already practically named their children!" oh wait...I kinda have been thinking about that too.
But it's totally okay. As long as it's not an obsession. God has put this desire in my heart since I was little. In my little photo album of my childhood, there are many-a-picture where I'm seen holding baby dolls. I NEVER mistreated my baby dolls. They were never left on the ground. They were carefully cared for and slept with me in my bed.
I guess you could say that Psalm 37:4 is my scripture reference for this blog post...mainly because it's the first one I thought of.
I'm constantly learning to delight myself in the Lord. To follow His ways, to obey His commands, to walk on His path. Sure, I may slip, I may mishear, but in the end, I'm striving towards eternity. Perhaps even destiny. No, definitely destiny. You could call me desperate! (reference to Sonia's blog. Like how sneaky I was?)
But at the same time, I'm kind of shying back from pursuing my future with such intensity. Living in such simplicity is just...nice.

Can I tell you something that's really getting me miffed today? I like to hold doors for people. Even if I'm in a hurry, it makes somebody else's day that much better. I figure if chivalry is dead, feminism can't go with it. Then there'd be nothing left! So I was holding the door for my entire AP Lang class to the tech lab. 319 U. So these two girls, Abby and Haley, walk by and Haley kinda says "thank you" so I say "you're welcome" because that's just the right thing to do, right? Apparently they weren't talking to me. So they pointed and laughed. What are we, eight? Really? I hold a door open for you, out of the goodness of my heart, and you don't say thank you. And even when I think you're saying thank you, you LAUGH at me. Laughing? Really? You may not be eight, but we're not in middle school anymore, dearies.
I was telling Sydney that I like to make people smile. When in reality, I just like to make people happy. If they're happy, I'm happy. I like it when people try to make me happy, try to make me happy, laugh even.
Sometimes doing this is easier than others. Like Sydney, me patting her back made her happy. It was comforting, and she appreciated it. While somebody else would be equally happy after being given a gift. It's obviously easier to give a comforting pat...but it's the thought that somebody puts into this action that counts.
So when I have my children with cute little vans slip ons and adorable faux-hawks, I'll teach them to hold doors for people...ESPECIALLY the ones that laugh. That could be the one thing that makes their day easier.

Oh well. Maybe I'll just walk in the door tomorrow and point and laugh at them. Wouldn't that just be FUNNY? RIGHT RIGHT? "MOMMY MOMMY CAN I? Right after I finish my addition homework and laugh at people for doing nice things?"

-LL
36. Get a girl's hair into a perfect mohawk (shampoo and glue, i've heard)

Myself for my love / and my love for me

BAM! NEW LAYOUT! Everybody like? I figured I'm a simple person. I'm black and white 99% of the time. But considering I'm a white female, I decided to express that through the background. I think I'll call it "simply white" because that's what it is!


Well, it's a Saturday night. I'm probably going to put on my pajamas early, eat some chocolate pie that my mom is making RIGHT NOW, and watch The Pursuit of Happyness. There ya have it.
I'm perfectly content with being alone. I actually feel like I don't get enough time alone. NOT EVEN IN MY SLEEP!
I go to school with my siblings, sit in a class full of people, eat lunch with my friends, more classes, go home with my siblings, and sit around in the kitchen and laugh at random things. I eventually go to sleep, listening to my sister go on and on about her day...or she actually likes to ask really stupid questions while I'm falling asleep. If I could think of any, I'd share them. You'd laugh. No problem.
So I've found that I like spending time in my bathroom. Sure, I share it with three other people, but I'm always in there alone. I listen to music, I do whatever I want, I prepare for a day, I wind down from a day.
But even while alone, I'm never alone..crazy, right? I don't mean that there's some hobo hiding under my sink or something.
I've always been a sucker for that kinda thing, since there's been many-a-time where I've felt COMPLETELY alone...as you know if you've read my blog whatsoever. Everybody has their life scripture, and mine is definitely Matthew 28:20. If you don't know what it is, go grab your bible! Wooo!


Onto another subject. I had a conversation with my mom last night, which is a little weird, because we never just sit down and talk about whatever. But I've been having issues with defending my faith from a guy I know. She totally chewed his butt, but that's not the point. She was saying that people can't understand us because our ENTIRE life and being is based on the bible. To me, the bible is truth. It's like the dictionary and encyclopedia times about a billion. I've never doubted it to be fictional. But people have ruled out that option. Without that, there are a lot of arguments that have less to be explained.
And with that, I realized something about myself. I've always kinda doubted if I doubted, and I've been shown slowly but surely that I don't. I take the bible as truth, I speak in tongues even in my dreams, and I'm working on counting it all joy.


Yet ANOTHER subject. I've realized I laugh out loud a lot more lately. Movies, books, just funny stuff in general. I figure we've only got so many years, so many opportunities to laugh, why waste them? If something is genuinely funny, I laugh. So my sister will be in the other room and I'll be watching a movie and just start randomly laughing. Like watching The Wedding Singer. Makes me laugh EVERY TIME. I give a lot of pity laughs, too. Like when somebody falls down the stairs. I don't do the whole Nick Tealer BAHAHAHAA YOU JUST FELL laugh...it's more like "that's horrible!" but a laugh nonetheless.
I think almost every time I cry I laugh. At the same time, even. Sometimes it's because I think "Why am I even crying?", other times it's because I realize how stupid the whole thing is, maybe even how ironic it is. Usually it's irony. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? I think that's his whole deal. He did invent it, after all. Humor, that is.
Well....that's about it. I've gotten out what I wanna say.

And just one last thing! Do you ever have that line of a song that's just put on repeat in your head? Like my cousin said that his last week was "she's not that bad"
the one for me right now, by Regina Spektor, of all people, just because she's that AWESOME...
"I'm the hero of this story / / Don't need to be saved"

But a lot of the time I actually do need a lot of saving...maybe not from the people that I think could save me, but the One that ALWAYS saves me. He always has and always will.
This song is EXTREMELY repetitive...but along with every other song of the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack, there's just something I love about them. Minus the first track. "Here's a story about a boy and a girl..." Repetition gives emphasis. I'm guessing that's why this lyric is completely embedded in my mind! 
That is all. I love you.


-LL
35. Give somebody I don't know a hug.

Your faithfulness sings over me

So, I've been listening to Hillsong/Hillsong United every morning while getting ready. Somehow, I seem to appreciate the song "Hallelujah" SO much more every single time I listen to it.

Saved by Your mercy
FOUND in Your grace
Totally surrendered to Your embrace
And there's nothing more than You

See Your perfection
I'm lost in Your peace
Your faithfulness sings over me
And Your love is the light of my soul

And I lift my eyes to You
Creator of the world

And I stand in awe of You
Of Your glory
And I live to worship You
Son of God, King of heaven

And the angels round Your throne
Cry out holy
To the One who is to come
Hear us sing hallelujah

I've re-written this blog post at LEAST five times. I can never find something worth saying.
But I will tell you that I had the craziest dream last night...that's saying something, since I always have some pretty crazy dreams. It's just kind of awkward, too. Like it involves Paanii, Rousseau from LOST, crayon on my window, and a dream within a dream.
Yes. Bam. Crazy.
But back to the lyrics. I LOVE this song. I tend to skip from Hillsong to Hillsong depending on what I'm experiencing at the time. And yet I still come back to the same songs, yet find different meanings.
I'm definitely at a loss for words right now. I've seriously been trying to write it since...mmm...Sunday night. It's now Thursday afternoon.

I kinda wish I could get my thoughts together, ya know? I wish I could teach you something, give you an inspirational verse, maybe even make your day. Sprinkle in a few tears, and bam, it's a blog cake.

But for now I'll satisfy Sydney's craving for LAS BALAAASSSSSS AYAYAY!

• So I performed with my guitar for the first time in my ENTIRE life today. It's pretty much a class of guys that have been playing FOREVER and can do their little meedley-meedley (Homestar Runner reference, if you didn't catch it) finger action...but you DO get props for singing. Not just any props, MAD props.
• I think I did well, more or less. I get the result back tomorrow, so we'll just wait and see!
• My teeth STILL hurt like the dickens. I took a mad amount of drugs today (no overdosing, don't worry) and am still in pain.
• My history teacher makes me laugh my pants of like EVERY day. He gets really into story-telling. Nuff said there.
• Oh wait. And he was wearing a black blazer-thing with a green checkered shirt and a nuggets tie. It was...interesting. But he's old. He can get away with it.
• No Birkenstock sandals today, though. Sadness.
• Elijah's playing a sonic the hedgehog (old school) emulator on the other computer. It's like the soundtrack to my childhood.
• We had to do this dumb thing in theatre today...where she's like "You're wearing a golden headband...and your feet are in soil. The headband is lifting you up while your feet are weighing you down" And everybody could raise their hand to express their feelings on it after. I'm pretty sure they sounded like total druggies.
• "It's like, I felt like I was standing in a field, but I was like, in the sky, and like...I dunno how to explain it. I felt like apollo. But I felt like other people were with me, and we were like waves in the ocean, just floating up with our golden headbands"
• That's LEGIT what they sounded like. Almost word for word.
• I also told my friend Emma "You know...standing in the dirt, it like, makes me feel like a man"
• She didn't appreciate my humor.
  
• And Paanii gets mad at me when I say "I dunno"...so I have to get my fix in today.
• AH druggie terms!
• I'm rather excited for the new book club/bible study/Aundi-Leah-Sonia thingy thing.
• It'll be GREAT!
• Homecoming is a month away. Gosh darn it, it's time for overly expensive dresses and shallow high schoolers again!!!
• But I think me and a group of friends have established a sisterhood of the traveling dresses....we're all relatively the same size.
• No money there! wooooo!
• And I'll just wear my chucks. Keep it classy, yo.
• I'm in love with cantaloupe, pretty much. It's up there on my favorite fruits list, right on up there with pomegranates. But those are only in season in November and December...
• Sad day. Actually, sad other 10 months of the year.
• I've been very reflective lately. I'm normally somewhat reflective, but now it's just...crazy.

I'm ending the bullets. I feel like I'm growing a little more every day, making me the past a little bit clearer. As Aundi pretty much always says, hind sight's 20/20. She didn't invent the slogan obviously, but she's clearly a user. But I think I'm getting to the point where I'm not like "How was I so STUPID?"
Because I'm not stupid. Smart people make stupid mistakes. Just a fact of life.
Weeeelllll I think I should probably go...do homework or something now. Maybe just chill. I don't know. Perhaps even sleep.
We'll see!


"It's like I'm trying to fly but my feet are in dirt"
-

34. Tell ChaCha he's wrong.

I wanna wake up kicking and screaming

I don't actually wanna wake up kicking and screaming. I think Hannah would become a little freaked out.
So, as I've told you before, my blogs are provoked by a verse and/or a conversation, a song lyric, a book I've read...
this time it's a conversation and a song lyric.
In eighth grade, we had to find a quote to put next to our picture in the yearbook. On days in the tech lab where we were supposed to look for quotes, I'd usually just look up Jerry Seinfeld quotes and laugh about them.
But Elijah gave me a suggestion, and it just hit me. It's like when you KNOW something is just...perfect. It feels right. Like when you're in the mood for music, and you just go through shuffle until a song just sounds right. It matches your mood.

"The shadow proves the sunshine"

This point in my life was when none of the shadows had hit. Or like, you know on a really windy day the shadows from the clouds come and go in a matter of seconds? It was like that.
And with that, I've realized that God has a sense of humor. I mean, this quote foreshadowed the events of the three/four years after that.
Yet I'm perfectly okay with that. The shadows have been pretty giant some of the time, but the sunshine has been even bigger! And I LOVE that. God's been using the shadows in my life for me to learn that the sunshine is just SO worth it!

I tend to be a rather sentimental person. This usually makes it a little bit harder for me to get over things, but somehow, I always do. It's like the clouds on a windy day. They're there, but they'll blow over sooner or later. We don't live in Seattle or something!
So...that's my rant for today.

Oh and random thing before I go. Has anybody noticed the background of my title? It's a sky. With some grass. And a tree. After editing the picture to fit and putting it up, I noticed something. There's a little girl sitting beneath the tree.
It's like this GIIIAAANNTTT, old tree....with a little girl sitting beneath it. The tree has lived quite a while, but this little girl is just beginning to learn what life really holds.
I'd like to think of God as the tree. Not just the tree, but the ENTIRE landscape...and then there I am. A little piece. A little girl sitting underneath a vast, blue sky.
Limitless possibilities!!!

I love you all. See most of you tomorrow!

-LL
33. Get a bible with my name engraved in it (dude. totally)

Please mend this porcelain heart of mine

It always seems to me that I've been broken one too many times; when in reality, I've been broken and mended just enough. I love the fact that every thing that happens to me is just right! Like the perfect sand castle...not too wet, not too dry.
I love the picture on Sydney's blog. It's just...PERFECT. If there's a picture that could describe my ENTIRE life, that'd be it. Nuff said.
There's a song by Barlow Girl that I'm pretty sure the majority of you know..."Porcelain Heart"
It's a cry to God saying "God, how can you fix me? I'm so broken...but I'll let you do it. I'll give you my pieces and you'll do it. I may not know how, but you WILL"
Another song that's been getting me...."Surrender"

These two songs prominently display what I've been dealing with: surrender. Not just a few things, EVERYTHING. E V E R Y T H I N G.
It's a little hard to wrap my mind around the word EVERYTHING. Nothing excluded.
There were certain things I didn't wanna give to God...including the pieces of my broken heart.
It's kind of like when your mom says "don't go do such-and-such otherwise you'll tear your clothes"
Lo and behold, you tear your pants. It takes a whole lot to say "....uh, Mom, I know what you told me, but I did it anyway. I'm really sorry, but can you fix this?"
That's exactly what it's like with a broken heart. You have to admit to God AND yourself that you did something that wasn't exactly smart.
Yet ANOTHER song that fits in this category is "Beauty from Pain" by Superchick.
I recommend you listen to all of the songs as listed above. They were MY song at some point in my life, yet they still apply to me wherever I'm at.
And now I will give you a verse that I was gonna use in my last blog!

"...though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

-1 Peter 1:6-7

Through these heart-breaks, these tests of faith, we've been growing. The fertilizer has been put down, and the flowers are gonna grow! Fertilizer is not exactly pleasant. I know you may just LOOOOVVVEEEE cow poop, but I'm not exactly a fan of it.
We've been put through the fire, to rid ourselves of the impurities of our heart. It's not just like God's thinking "Oh yeah, well, I'm just putting her in the fire for no reason. Hum de dum..."
No no no, lovely! He's even been in there WITH US.

That's all for tonight. I'm in the mood for a good cry, but I will restrain myself.
Goodnight.

-LL

I've got a sneaking suspicion / that hindsight only favors good vision

Anybody notice the new format? Eh? Eh? Like it?
Well, too bad. It was a dicken to change. And I'm also thinking about changing the title to Elevation. Tell me what you think of this idea.

So, I started this uber (german, eh eh?) long blog on Peter 1:6 yesterday.
But I decided that's not what everybody needs to hear right now. Or at least, that's not what I need to write about. Mainly the part about me needing to write something.

Relationships.

Groan.

This is what's being thrown at me. And I'm trying to catch one after the other, until the point where I just drop them all.
It seems like I can't please one person without disappointing another.
My friend Anah (who just started following my tweets hooray!) asked me something today.
She said "So have any guys? How many? Eh Leah? Eh eh?"
and without thinking, I replied "Too many"
Thinking back on this, I find it rather hilarious.
When in reality, I have just enough. But the thing is, I'm not used to it. For the past...mmm....15 ish years, I'm not one that guys drool over. And by gosh, I'm SO glad. I know a few girls that have never had a boyfriend by 16. Some of them are realizing how blessed they are, that God is keeping them from that. It makes our "One" seem that much more special. Nobody wants to be handed a half eaten cake with a muttered "happy birthday".
You want that entire cake, you want that happy birthday to be practically screamed at you, and you want it all. You want it now.
I just thought of a Queen lyric. Needless to say I won't write it, because you better already know which one I'm talking about.
Just kidding about the wanting it now. But it's like...opening your presents on Christmas! Having a surprise party that was ACTUALLY a surprise.
It's just that much better to wait.
Anyway. Back to what I was saying. I can carry these relationships. I lose the ones that need to be lost, and I gain the ones that need to be gained. I need the people I need to meet, I say goodbye to the people that leave.
These things will never change. They just won't. I'm growing to accept this...and I'm trying to teach a friend of mine to do the same. It's hard to do, especially in...eerrmm...advanced relationships. Does that sound like some kinda practical arts high school class? That's what I thought.
But what I'm talking about is being dumped. It sucks to have the thought that God put you through the heartbreak, but He did. But he's right there with you!
And you know the line "It's not you, it's me?"
It's pretty much completely true...except that it's nobody. It's God. There's a heart shaped box, and it can only be filled with a heart. Some things may come close to fitting, but in the end, only one will fit PERFECTLY.
Same with every other relationship. You know those little plastic squares that have all the hole shapes in it that little kids play with?
little side note...even as a teenager, these things are fun to race with. Me and Elijah tried it. It's definitely harder than it looks.
anyway. There's a hole for every shape. Once a shape fits through it, no other shape will. They make look similar and ALMOST fit, but they won't.

And so that is my resolution. Referring to children's toys.
Another thing that I've realized along with this...I've been saying (mostly to one person) is that only she and God know EXACTLY how she's feeling.
Like you know how people say "I know EXACTLY how you feel"
Well, no ya don't.
I had to write a timed write on which character's reality was the most real in 1984. I came to the conclusion that we have no idea, because each character's reality is only real to them. Does that make sense? Nobody knows how you feel, because nobody's you. They've never been you, and they'll never be you! Crazy, right? I know.
Again, my train of thought is CRAZY. Mrs. O'Connell was probably like "What the heck is she talking about???"
Well, she'll grow to understand.

my random bullet:

• It takes 147 licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop. They had a study at some college.

anyway. Adios, Lovelies.

-LL
31. Win a contest of some importance.(aside from multiple limbo contests)
32. Drink a monster. (I have never done this before. But seeing as caffeine has a bad effect on me, I might wanna reconsider this one)

Now I think we've taken this too far

A continuation of a blog I was working on Saturday night....(already written in blue)
For once the title of my post applies to what I'm actually going to talk about. I'm gonna be vague--Aundi style. Dear goodness. Why can't we just stop? At one point, just hit the brakes and camp out? The snowball just keeps rolling down the hill... it just keeps going and going and going until it's out of control and completely unstoppable. As we've learned throughout our entire high school career, energy can't be created or destroyed. This snowball is going to crash into something, and I'm thinking it's not going to be very pretty.

Now I think we're taking this too far / Don't you know that it's not this hard? / Well it's not this hard / But if you take what's yours and I take mine / Must we go there? / Please not this time. No, not this time.

I'm tired of wrecking relationships. Okay, actually, I'm tired of relationships completely. You know, I love my friends. I really do. But how in the world are people so....COMPLICATED? I'm a black and white person. A lot of people would say that means I'm narrow minded, but I just think it's because I know what I want. I know what I like, I know what I don't like. I know what I believe. But then there are the people that are like "Oh, I'm gonna change my mind with the weather" And because I don't let the sun go down on my anger (for the most part...I mean I really strive to do this) I get walked on and taken advantage of. They just keep taking one step at a time, until they've reached that place where I snap. Yet where I am is completely the opposite. I have a tendency to form my best relationships VERY quickly. Like a quote from the notebook...not really pertaining to Leah's relationships, but to summer romances:
They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.
It's like everything or nothing. Black and white. First thing you have it, next thing you know, it's completely gone. There's no gray matter. I've learned there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Take chocolate, for example. But it's like "Wow this is awesome!" until it just keeps getting awesomer and awesomer (yes I know it's not a word. Deal.) to the point where it breaks the awesome barrier, and the remnants of this explosion is pieces of crap and emotions. Just for once I want the awesome level to remain constant. I'm tired of picking up those remnants and putting them in the garbage bags to throw into the depths of my heart. I'm tired of internalizing this!

So I'll tell you a little story. During band yesterday, I was a little upset. I'm really not gonna tell you why, because it's dumb and it's dumb that I would put it in a blog. So after prayer, I was REALLY fighting tears. Even more so, because I didn't know why I was upset. Like you know when you get a snag on your sweater, and just from there you wash it and wear it repeatedly until it's gotten so bad that the sweater just falls apart.
But this sweater I was wearing, the happy face I was putting on, was slowly peeling away...and I wouldn't admit it.
And all it took was worship. TOTALLY lost it. ...Like I always do, I know. I try not to lose it. I REALLY do. Usually I can contain myself. But when I've been that worn down, to the point where I'm sitting before service by myself with tears in my eyes for no reason at all, I think it's justified.
And one of the things that made me cry was the person. This person has been growing like none other lately...and to think about where they were 9 months ago compared to now, it's just...amazing. It's amazing to see how much this person has just let go. Let go of the worldly things, of everything that used to matter to them. There's still a thread holding on, but their sweater is almost completely unraveled.

And back by popular request (ahem Sydney!) BULLETSSSS!

• My new history teacher reminds me of a turtle. And he was wearing black dress pants, a collared shirt, a blazer, and....birckenstock sandels. Needless to say I stared at his feet for most of the period.
• Stalker issues today. Dear goodness.
• I still haven't presented my object (spiderman belt) for theatre. I'm rather excited. I'm thinking a little too hard about the depth of this symbolism.
• My family has a family picture this evening. My mom is coordinating outfits like crazy. I don't just mean like crazy lightly...
• I re-found my mom's fleetwood mac cd. Stevie Nicks = musical genius. I don't mean genius lightly...
• I have $0. It's official.
  
• I really have to write a blog about my stalker issues today soon. I'll just tell you that it ended with a forced, awkward hug. Like the kinda chest-to-chest action that makes you glad you're not blessed with extra padding. But like he practically grabbed my arms and THRUST my chest into his. It was actually as creepy as it sounds, believe it or not.
• This made me believe that his pecs have disappeared. I was upholding the chest relationship.
• That last sentence was a little creepy, sorry.
• I have a verse that I'm writing a blog about next. Peter 1:6. Look it up and we shall chat!

-LL
30. Sleep in a king sized bed by myself.

Please not this time / no not this time

Dang. I never knew TGIF could so aptly apply to how i'm feeling RIGHT NOW!
So you wanna know what I've realized? I'm happy. I'm content with my life right now, even if it's not all I ever wanted.
My homework for Theatre III last night was to find something that represented me. If I could choose one thing, it would be THIS.
I immediately thought of my spiderman belt...for many reasons, but one stuck out in my mind.
It's not very old...maybe a year and a half, not even. But it's worn. It's been put through the wash, left on the floor, crammed into drawers, scratched by miscellaneous objects...it's been through a lot; yet it still as just as awesome as the day I bought it.
I think that's how I am. I'm not old, but I've experienced things. Some were my fault, some weren't at all. But through this, I haven't lost value. I've gained more value, more experience...I'm not as innocent and sparkly-clean as I used to be, but I've become SO much more wise.
Something strange--I bought this belt for $2.46. FINAL clearance at kohls. Anybody knows that when you shop clearance at kohls, at LEAST forty million people have the exact same thing.
But what's weird is that I've never seen a belt like this since then.
For being such a screaming deal, NOBODY I've seen has this belt.
I was born with a lot of value. The world was my oyster, I had all the potential. As I've grown up, I've become somebody that seems to have attained quirks that just WORK for me. In my favor, I mean. But with the perks, there are the...err....non-perks.
I think God's been trying to tell me that even though I may not be at a high price, my value is just...ginormous.
This belt was $2.46...I would've easily paid MUCH more for this. Though the price was extremely low, the value was...crazy high. I wouldn't give this belt for anything. Okay maybe like hundreds of dollars.
There are just a ton of other reasons I picked this, one of them being that I love Marvel heroes, such as spider-man.
One girl brought a giant bag of Trix for hers...she was the only one to "show and tell" today. She used them to say that she's fragile, she switches cliques often, she's fun and outgoing, she likes trix, and her favorite color is green (she had many green ones in there on purpose).
She looked like she was about to cry when she was talking about being fragile. Man. Intense moment.

I'm sorry I just deleted this massive paragraph that went in the place of this sentence, but I'm awful confused right now. I love you, though.

Well, on a final note...I love you guys.
-LL 28. Find an in-tact old school pink power rangers costume--and buy it.
29. Wear said costume around for an entire day.
(I figured I would put both because they go together)

How wide You open up Your arms / When I need Your love

Well, today was relatively short. It was actually a normal length, but it seemed rather short.
Can I say something random?
Of course I can, I reign this blog!
I like to know you all are up on your daily dosage of Lovely insanity. How do I know this? Because Morgan keeps telling Paanii when I say something on here! Hooray for Morgan!
Which I don't mind. Except for the fact that he now calls himself Stupid Normal Paanii and Captain America Paanii depending on if I understand what he's saying or not. Ha ha ha!

So for this little posty-post I thought I would bring up a verse I've used millions of billions of times.

Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.
-Song of Songs 2:2

Like I said, I've used this in my blog many-a-time! And for the revelation I'm conveying in this blog, there are many other verses that could be applied.
Alright. I'll give you a story.
I was meandering to lunch after a long morning, looking for somebody to sit with, since dumb Amelia wasn't answering her phone (because she's dumb, obviously). So there's little Bri Hopp, waving gleefully while sitting with her friend that couldn't look any less thrilled to be texting on her little enV 2. So I sat down. My friends came and sat with me, but there was still Bri and Kayla (the less-than-thrilled chick with the phone). So their friend from English named Cailtin sat there too. We chatted about public speaking, for the most part. But after Caitlin left, Kayla practically yells "FINALLY she's gone. I thought I was gonna have to punch somebody in the face"
I was pretty much shocked. Kayla was being SO nice to her while she was there, and then she verbally abuses her behind her back. Bri also didn't like her very much, but it wasn't just plain rude catty remarks.
It was weird, because I almost felt...hurt. I hurt for Caitlin, because she was nothing but nice to these two girls. She did nothing wrong, and she tried to be agreeable.
Not only did I feel hurt, it was like...I was upset. I knew exactly how this girl felt, like somebody you think is going to be your high school friend turns out to hate your guts.
"She's just so annoying! I thought she'd never leave! Why does she keep talking?"
With each comment Kayla muttered, I wanted to get to know Caitlin more. Not to mention I wanted to slap Kayla silly for being so mean, but I just wanted to give this girl a chance.
With all that, I wanted to talk to Bri the most. She needs to know that she can talk to Kayla, she can be nice to Kayla, but Kayla CAN'T influence her. Bri needs to be a friend to Caitlin, because Caitlin needs that kind of influence. We're called to be a light in a dark place...and who knows, Caitlin could be in that dark place!

I'd like to say that Bri completely understood...but I know that she got where I was coming from.
And that's what reminds me of Song of Songs 2:2. There are a lot of girls out there, but we're special. We've been set apart, and that's God's purpose. Romans 12:2, if you wanna look that up...that also relates.
Bri's been learning this, and she'll continue learning this at a more accelerated pace now that she's been thrown among the thorns (high school *dramatic music*). She'll try to behave like a thorn, to look like a thorn...but she'll learn that a lily's a lily. You're born a lily, you'll thrive as a lily.
She can mentor Caitlin, build her up, comfort her, even.
Like I read this series that Sarah Hopp gave me, ironically. There was an illustration where a girl stood on a chair and a guy held her hand while standing on the ground. She tried to pull him up multiple times, but learned quickly that it wasn't easy. When an attempt was made by the guy to pull her down, she fell right off the chair.
It's more difficult to pull someone up than to be pulled down. It's easier to act like a thorn as a lily than to act like a lily as a thorn. While being among the thorns, we learn what lilies AREN'T. God hasn't called us to gossip, to back-stab, to throw our bodies away, our emotions away, even. We're supposed to show the love of God THROUGH us, right? Being hypocritical is not the way to go. At all.

I'll continue to mentor Bri and see results. They won't be apparent at first, but she'll grow in her lily-like behavior. She'll encourage others to be lilies, too!
It's crazy to think about the chain-reaction one of us can cause. When I think of this, I think of Aundi. Aundi is SO influential to a massive group of people, girls and guys, that will go out and spread the word as well. She's not only influenced me directly, but many people indirectly.
Like this chick in my theatre class (that I've been in three classes with in the last year and she STILL doesn't remember my name =[) has 137 cousins. Like her grandma had 12 kids and each of those kids either had 5 or 7 kids...it's crazy.
OUT OF ONE WOMAN!
but I was like WHOA that's gotta be one wrinkly old lady!
Just proof that one person can change the world. Or at least put a dent in it...
it just starts with one.
What's crazy...
it did start with ONE. Jesus Christ!

-Lovely Leah
27. Have an in-depth discussion about something I know nothing about, while convincing the person I'm talking to that I know more about this subject than they do.

and if you haven't done so already, read my poem that drained my creativity quotient for the next week.

In weakness or trial or pain

"Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?"
-Romans 9:21

I'm just jumping right into this blog, no? Well, I read this in my devotional a few days ago...and I wrote "Romans 9:20" on my hand just so I could go look it up later without having to go all the way downstairs to get my bible. But now I have it!
So it seems to me that the analogy of God being "The Potter" occurs rather frequently in the bible.
Something I like about this verse...it says "Does not the potter have the right..."
Does not the potter have the RIGHT?
Sure we've heard about women's rights and African American rights or whatever. But God having RIGHTS? He has the RIGHT to anything He wants!
And you know when people say "What gives you the right?"
Like psht get over yourself, chica.
But I think sometimes I ask God that EXACT question. "God, what gives you the right to put me through this CRAP? I thought you loved me!"
And I'm called back to "Desert Song" (like Sonia, who has EXTREMELY good taste in music)
there's the CRAZY awesome stanza/lines/thingy-thing:

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
of more worth than gold
so refine me Lord through the flames

I think it's technically a stanza.
So I may not know a whole lot about pottery, but those kiln things (kiln? is that correct?) get pretty dang hot! Like so hot that some pieces of art explode.
Not the point. Exploding pottery is not the point! It has to get reeaaalllyyy hot for the pottery to keep its shape and painting or whatever. Again, don't know too much. Ask Elijah about ceramics and he'll tell ya.
Like the potter can only mold the clay so much before it's put in the fire. It's not pretty yet. It's a little weird looking, actually.
Or like gold! It can't be molded unless hot.
And it says for common use. You may not be called to be a glamarous preacher. You may just be the fire-fighter that saves the baby that grows up to clean the church of this crazy amazing pastor. Crazy to think about, right?
You may be a vase that holds flowers. Or you may be some kinda pinch pot that sits on your mom's dresser and holds her rings. Back to the molding.
Again, I'm not a ceramics-master. Or jewelry-master. All I know is the work that's been done in me through the fire! And my fire isn't even too bad. It may be bad for me, but it'll be worth it, ya know?
Why be an ugly piece of clay for your whole life when you can be a beautiful piece of pottery after a few times of trial?
I think I should make a list of things to tell myself when I get upset. Because I fight these battles to win, then end up doing the same thing over and over again.
Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the exact same thing repeatedly and expecting different results?
I think I'll just leave it at that.

Can I just say that it's been a long day? First day of school makes me thing of new, white knee-socks and never-been-written-in notebooks. Not seeing your crazy-stalker and being brutally grazed by a religion-argumentative teenage boy.
AND being convinced that everyone in your guitar II class wants to hurt you, except for your brother's weird creepy friend that nobody really seems to understand.
That's about it.
I think I'll say something about Paanii, just so Morgan can tell him and I'll find out about it later.
I'll just say that he's rather funny when talking about sensitive issues.
Leave it at that.

I love you all.
-LL
26. Learn how to tie a bow-tie (as a girl, yeah, I know)

oh p.s.! We had to describe ourselves in pre-calc (yeah, math. doing english . ...huh?) with one word. Without even thinking, I put lovely.
I'd like to give you the definition of lovely! Just some food for thought. I'd give you a penny for your thoughts, but, well, it's a recession.
And I don't just call myself lovely to toot my own horn or whatever. It's what God thinks of all of his daughters.

love⋅ly

–adjective

1.	charmingly or exquisitely beautiful: a lovely flower.

2.	having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye, as a person or a face.

3.	delightful; highly pleasing

4.	of a great moral or spiritual beauty.

I'll never let this go, but I can't find the words to tell you

I've recently fallen in love with the first Paramore album, All We Know Is Falling. Justin got me this CD for my birthday, and I didn't really listen to it at first. It's obviously not worship music, but it's...nice. Considering Paramore started out as a Christian band, I'm quite alright with that.
Anyway. The lyric-title is from one of their songs! I love it. Very much.
So I'm shoving all my blogs into the final days of summer, just because I don't think I'll write much from now on during the school year. Still more than anybody else I know. Oh well. I hope you enjoy reading these little tidbits of knowledge and ignorance...I've enjoyed writing them. I hate writing, believe it or not.
My mom was talking to Brittany and Nate last night (because she HATES talking, dontchaknow) about how I'm supposed to be an editor. I really have no desire for this...I know it's something I'm good at and I'd make some UBER good money, but I don't wanna earn money for something I don't just LOVE doing.
That's another story. I'm 16 and I've been working on a lot of aspects of my future, when I really don't need to.
Anyway. In case you haven't heard for the billionth time, Nicholas Tealer gets his license today. Do you know how long he's been counting down?
One year. He's pretty much been counting down since I've known him. December 8th, he was all excited for getting his license in eight months! February 8th--six months!
So you may be asking yourself, "Gee Leah, why do you bring this up? Who cares?"
Well, dearest rhetorical question asking friend, I do indeed have a reason! Time has flown since last summer. It's just...crazy. It's hard to imagine that it's August. I guess I'm just having a few moments of sentimentality and nostalgia, but to see how much has changed and how much everyone I know has grown is just awesome!
Everybody that reads my blog (aside from Amelia) I've met in the past year. I've been thinking about that...like Aundi, who pretty much knows how I tick, has known me for exactly a year.
And concerning Apex, because I just HAVE to bring it up, I think last summer was when I was like "Jesus is FOR REAL. I'm not just going to church for the sake of going to church anymore. I'm living my life for Him and Him alone!"
That was a year ago. Compared to now, I've grown leaps and bounds. Even since the beginning of the summer, I've been growing like crazy!
Not physically, obviously, because i'm still 5'4 (woop de woop) and an un-disclosed weight.
But spiritually, emotionally, ...mentally? And I really don't want that to change now that summer's over. I want to continue growing and encourage others to grow with me.
Like I said in my last blog-post (don't I feel just SUPER cool saying that!) this thing is really bothering me. Paanii is both helping and hindering the getting over this annoyance, which is getting a little old. PICK A SIDE, DANG IT JORGE!
It's like he's normal, stupid Paanii until I need help, then he becomes Captain Planet or something!
Yes I just put a picture of Captain Planet in this post. I used to love that show. I always liked the heart ring. Even as a little kid, I was always like "What the heck? Earth, fire, wind, water...HEART? How does that even work?"
Anyway. Paanii's not helping this thing. He's like that obnoxious psychiatrist that always says "Just tell that person how that makes you feel"
little side note. Apparently the "heart" ring was added to the elements to show a compassion for saving the earth. Gag me, por favor. Anyway.
It's a little obnoxious, but somehow he's usually right. Advice is usually easier from the outside looking in, right? That's how it is for me, at least. And Paanii, apparently.
So I guess I just need to pick a side. But if I'm like "YEAH I want this thing to happen!" and it doesn't, won't I be super disappointed? But if God has planned for this to happen, it will happen. But what if that's not what God wants? What if I'm running from waiting for God's plan by making my very own? But it's not my own, that's the thing. I didn't just fabricate this little thing.

Well, I guess I'll go to my AP Lang homework...I've been putting it off all summer. Wish me luck, lovelies.

Happy final day of flip flops and popsicles!

-Lovely L
25. Give somebody an AWESOME haircut.

Through the desert...

My song-lyric-titles are getting shorter and shorter, have you noticed?
I was gonna put Through the desert, I'll stand in Your love forever but...well, I didn't!
So I have a verse that I was reading in my devotional. I was reading Job, which is usually a little depressing from me, but I saw this verse and it was like running into a brick wall! Like WHOA Leah were you just paying attention? Obviously you weren't because you were just smacked across the face by the word of God!!!
So, without further adieu, here ya go.

"Can papyrus grow tall where there is no marsh?
Can reeds thrive without water?
While still growing and uncut, they wither more quickly than grass."
-Job 8:11-12

Well, this may mean something different to you. But Sydney and I have been blog-talking (yep, invented a new word, I know!) about how after we cry our eyes out and "water our couches" we smile.
I felt like God was saying "no no no!". I got a little bit of what God was telling me, but I was missing something HUGE.
I'll give you a story! I was at the Ilg's yesterday...and long story short, Morgan got stung by a bee. Whilst she was crying, she was laughing and saying "I've never been stung by a bee before! Ow! Wow this really hurts!"
and I laughed. Yes, I laughed at Morgan's pain! No, not really. I laughed at how she was crying, laughing, being in pain, and being excited at the same time! She was smiling through the pain. She could've cried her eyes out and after the pain went away, been like "Wow! I've never been stung by a bee before!".
No! She practically celebrated through this painful event.
I think God used Morgan being stung by a bee (ironic, sorry Morgan!) to show me that we're not just supposed praise God after the event, after we've cried our eyes out and become in a better mood again. We praise him through the pain, through the tears, through it all!
So that's become my new challenge.
The main thing I wanted to say about this verse...papyrus HAS to be grown in marshes. Marshes aren't exactly the nicest place to grow, I'm pretty sure...
but we have to experience the crap and the heartbreak to grow up to be the people we were meant to be.
Back to being happy through the pain.
Another thing I have to say. If you know me, you know I consider myself a lover of music! Including a certain song by Superchick that is prettttyyy much everybody who's anybody's theme song. Beauty from Pain. That's what I'm talkin about!

After all this has passed,
I still will remain.
After I've cried my last,
there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again...

I hate to say this song is wrong, but I kinda am saying it...so you're gonna deal! This is kind of my go-to song, so telling it it's wrong is a liiitttllleee above me. Anyway. It's kinda one of those songs that I just turn on and chill to. Chill meaning sit in my closet. Which I don't do a whole lot anymore, because I'm tired of wallowing in crap. Why wallow when I can praise? Why wait for someday when I can hope TODAY?
I gotta say i'm unsatisfied (dissatisfied? for once I don't know what word is correct. DANG!)
I'm un/dissatisfied with waiting for something only I can change. God's willing to give it to me, I just gotta ask.
o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o
OOOOoooon a different note (hence the crazy o.o's) something's really been bothering me lately.
Like Aundi, I'm gonna be extremely vague. To the point where you assume all these crazy things about how I'm an axe murderer and Aundi's my next victim.
Or not.
Yeah we'll say not.
So somebody told me something...practically declared it into my life. Before this somebody told me this, I was like "no this thing is not ever gonna happen. It's just NOT. It wasn't meant to be. I don't feel passionate about it at all"
but after being told this, it's like BAM. Now I'm wondering who's right. I don't feel like God is speaking to me and saying "this thing that said person spoke into your life--yeah, they're right." but I'm not being disproved. Now I feel like this passion is growing, but I kinda don't want it to. I think it's because I TOLD myself that this thing would never happen, but I feel like I'm slipping. I guess I'm just gonna have to pray about it more.
This thing (do you like how i keep italicizing it? eh? eh? thing) pretty much determines a LOT of my future. Yet I'm only 16! This isn't something I should be concerned about...but I just DON'T KNOW! It's like everybody's trying to decide my future for me.
You may be sitting at your computer thinking, "No Leah! YOU decide your future!"
but oh contrare, my computer-addict friend! God decides my future. I just have a really hard time letting go. Because if this thing decides it wants to happen, I need to prepare myself.
The funny thing is, the person that says this probably has no idea on how much sleep I've lost over it.
I'm very tempted to say "Gosh darn it, God! Why did you make me so awfully complex? Why do I think so much?"
because.
Because I did, Lovely.
And I guess that's a good enough answer for me.
I just thought of "My Future Decided"
The lyric I need right now...

You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

and there it is. That's my comfort. There are a WHOOOLLLEEE lotta verses that I could use for this; however, my bible is upstairs. Dang.

Oh well. You just got two blog posts for the price of one! WHAT A BARGAIN, EH?
p.s. (pre-script. eh? eh?) my mom is sitting in the living room watching Terminator. If you know my mom, you can imagine how funny this is. What's hilarious is that she's eating cereal. It's almost 10:15, she's watching Terminator while eating cereal. Please laugh with me. Anyway.

Last day of summer tomorrow. Crap.


-LL
24. Go to a midnight movie premiere (I've never done it, sadly)

Eyes be opened

So we had to write goals for internship a couple weeks ago.
Can I just say that writing goals is extremely difficult for me?
I used to be (and partially still am) a crazy over-planner. I would stay up in my bed just planning out the next day, how everything was gonna be. I was quite the optimist with all of this, too. We would arrive three minutes early, and leave two minutes late. This would give us 15 minutes to get from point A to point, and EVERYTHING WOULD BE HUNKY-DORY GOSH DARN IT!!!
But as I grew up, I also grew tired of being disappointed. People were late. People didn't show up. Things just didn't go according to plan!
I figured the solution was just not to hope. If I didn't expect anything, I couldn't be disappointed, right? If I planned for no presents on my birthday and just got one, I would be surprised and excited, right?
I still struggle with this. I don't walk outside everyday expecting for it to rain glitter and have dancing lollipops on the side of the street!
Like I said, I STILL struggle with this. Why be optimistic when I'll just get disappointed?
So with setting goals, I had to think about it. Nate was telling us that anything is possible.
"ANYTHING, Nate?"
"AAANNNYYYTTTHIIINGGGG!!!"
It's like some kinda game-show host that is a little out of the loop in the whole sanity circuit.
The biggest challenge was setting my eight year goal. Pretend you're reading the next line it's what I'm thinking. Read it really fast. Like you've had maybe 5 cups of coffee and are going back for more!
"Hmm. I'll be 24. Three years out of college. Well, I guess I'll be married, right? So I'll write that. Maybe I'll have a kid? Maybe not. What if my husband doesn't want any kids? WHY AM I MARRYING A GUY THAT DOESN'T WANT KIDS? Oh wait. What if I don't get married? Then why did I just set my last goal? Should I write that down anyway? I could just erase it. Wait. I'm writing in pen. Okay okay okay. I'll pray that God brings me a guy. Not just any non-kid-wanting guy, a guy that's perfect for me. That will like to name our first son Asher. Wait why am I thinking of baby names? I don't even have a lot of good guy friends...let alone a guy to marry in mind"
So I realized that I think WAYYY too much.
Another example. I woke up today to Captain America just joyfully swimming around. I wondered what it would be like to be a fish. Does he ever get bored of just swimming around and swallowing air bubbles for fun? Does he even know what boredom or fun is? Does he even know he's a fish? Does he know he exists? Does he think at all? Does God speak to this little fish? Does He let Captain America in on my thoughts or something? Is that why he's swimming? Because he knows I'm watching?
Just a peak into the random thoughts of yours truly. So what am I trying to say? Is that what you're asking? Well let me tell you!
I set a goal. "To have more influential guy friends" by January 22, 2010.
Random fact. Over 6 months ago I was talking to my friend, Sarah. Who happens to be the sister of my pregnant friend, but that's not the point! I was like "Goodness, I wish I just had a list ready-made of what I want in a guy!"
and she replied "Well, my therapist said that's good! Do THAT!"
I never did compile this list. I didn't know what to say. Like I was talkin to Paanii today about how I want my future husband to speak French because it's SO FRICKIN ROMANTIC!!!
But I realized, after reading When Dreams Come True (best. book. ever. Sonia knows!) that I don't need a list. I may be able to make a list of some of what I want, but not what I need. So I gave up on that idea a while back. Aside from the speaking French thing.
I think this desire is rooted in the song "Belle" by Jack Johnson. Because it's just so romantic! Even though I have no idea what any of it means! Aside from him saying "I don't speak french, so you'll have to speak to me some other way"
Anyway. I'm really trusting God to write my love story. I mean this guy is gonna be what I need. Completely and totally. And I'm not gonna go looking for him. He's going to be that poet-warrior, that apple tree among the forest (Song of Songs 2:3)! It's really gonna be a challenge, I know that! People trash-talk my decision juuusssttt about every day.
But it'll be so worth it. To me. Not to them. My "One" will love me for all that I am! If that means waiting till I'm 30 to find him, so be it. Until then I'll find peace and comfort in my true Prince, the lover of my soul, Jesus Christ!

I love you guys! See most of you tomorrow...

-Lovely L
23. Invent a word that becomes EXTREMELY popular.

p.s.- after my comment about Captain America, I later watched Finding Nemo. Case closed. Fish can talk.
"Sea monkey stole my money....yes, I'm a natural blue...."

You are everything we need...

Ugh. I don't know why I'm not feeling myself today. It's just...weird.
So, what I have to say for today. Since I pretty much always have something to say, compared to everyone else who only blog so often.
Did that last sentence just make any sense? No? I didn't think so. Anyway.
If you attend pulse regularly, you'll realize that we play "No Reason (to Hide)" rather often. Every week, it seems. It's become a routine, the words, the jumping, the "WHOOOAAAA"
but I was just reading Romans in my devotional. Romans 8 primarily! And I got it. I got that revelation that I needed. The breakthrough when I realize what is REALLY being said.
Romans 8:35-37 (buckle up it's long) says:

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written:
'For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers, neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

That's a whole lotta "nor" and "neither" action in there! Which I love. I LOVE that. After reading that, I listened to "No Reason" again. I tend to be slip back into just singing the words, jumping, maybe pointing....
but after that, I've realized there's NO reason to hide our love for Him. NONE. Not ONE reason!
I wish you would get this. I love the tags at the end

Nothing compares to You / Nothing could ever separate us / Now Your love is ours
Nothing can separate Us / Nothing can come between Us / Nothing can separate Us Now!

It's kinda funny to realize how often the word "nothing" is used in this song.
I was getting a tad bit sick of this song...considering we've pretty much been singing it all summer. But now I've discovered how much I love this song! What the words really, truly mean.
I try to do that a lot in worship...to realize what the song is really saying, whether it's crying out to God or asking Him for help. Grasping the meaning of the words can definitely be difficult sometimes. Like for me, "Hosanna" took a little while to catch. But when I caught it, DUUUUDDDEEE. It's like every word in that song is essential. With one word missing, it just wouldn't be the same.
Back to "No Reason"...I was talking about Job the day before yesterday, right? Through all his trials and tests and EVERYTHING, he stuck it out with God. God was with him through the entire thing, even though a whole buncha people were telling Job that God had forgotten him. With everything that was thrown at Job, God was with him. God loved him more than he could ever know, even though Job didn't feel it. God's love never changed for Job!
So that's my little diddy for the day.

On a more random note, I've been staying up WAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too late talking to Paanii. I mean George. I mean...you know what I mean. I like getting to know people, I've realized. I like to know I'm trusted.
Anyway. that's the reason I wrote the blog at 7 instead of at like 11.

"You're gonna kill me woman! I need sleep, I need food, to regain my strength!"
-one of Leah's favorite romance movies of all time

Oh well. I thought you'd enjoy that quote...what I'm saying is that I need to start ACTUALLY sleeping again. And if you know what movie that quote is from, that's why we're friends. Because you love that movie as much as I do! Anyway. I need to sleep. And do homework. And just...let go of a lot of stuff. I'd say I really don't wanna cry, but whenever I say that, I end up crying anyway. But LEGIT I don't wanna cry.
So I might go watch Wall-E or something. Doesn't make me cry (usually).

-Lovely Leah
#22. Send somebody anonymous flowers.

Spinach (sorry it's not lyrics...)

Well, this is a movie that Elijah's friend did last November for his Lit of Film class.
I had a cold during this entire process, by the way. I just saw it for the first time today!
I'll just say that I really don't understand film-makers.
All I'm gonna say.
Okay I have something else to say.
I don't understand how this David Bowie song applies to the film at all.
Anyway. I'll probably blog tomorrow, but I thought you'd enjoy my first feature film.

-LL

21. Save somebody's life (a little drastic compared to the last one, no?)

We're on our knees / we're on our knees

Believe it or not, a lot of my blogs are based on thoughts sparked from a conversation.
Usually just thoughts sparked by something. Movies. Conversations.
These sparked thoughts lead to a song lyric or bible verse. Perhaps even a chapter. A book, if you're lucky! Maybe even the entire Bible!!!
Sorry. Getting ahead of myself.
So I forgot to read my devotional this morning....which I HATE. I like having food for thought during the day. But I'm reading it right now.
You know how some people say God has a sense of humor? I totally believe it. The author of irony, i'd like to say! But I'm reading the book of Job in my devotional.

My favorite verse:
"When Job heard this, he got up and tore his robe and shaved his head to show how sad he was" (Job 1:20)

I hate to say it, but the shaving his head to show how sad he was made me laugh out loud. It's like somebody shows up to school with a shaved head...
"Dude! Hair-cut! Why?"
"I was sad."
I can just imagine them with a frowny face. Okay sorry. I was laughing about this. I was kind of just in a bad mood, but that totally made it better. Maybe when I'm sad I'll shave my head. Perhaps into a mohawk? How awesome would that be???
Anyway. Another thing that just made me laugh. Describing Job's friends:

"They saw Job from far away, but he looked so different that they almost didn't recognize him. They began to cry loudly and tore their robes and put dirt on their heads to show how sad they were" (Job 2:12)

Hey guys, ya know, I just cry. Turn on some Jack Johnson and cry. I think it's much easier than shaving/putting dirt on my head. I can just imagine some guy in a toga sitting in a pile of dirt with it all over his head. In my mind robes = togas.
Dear goodness I'm crazy.
On to my little tidbit of the day. I was talking about Psalms yesterday, and to Psalms is where I will return! But this time to the 91st chapter. Sydney blogged a little bit on this...
but after a long day, I was like "God, please let me get something in this devotional. Let it be inspiring and just what I needed"
Way to deliver, God! It was talking about Job. Which reminded me of David. With both of them, one of the most important people in their lives told them they were crazy. David's wife telling David for praising the Lord so hard, and Job's wife for Job praising the Lord through all of his trials.
What I'm saying-
People aren't gonna necessarily agree with me. Dude, I've learned this already. It's difficult. I mean, I don't know what it's like to have a wife (husband, in my case) telling me that I'm CRAZY.
Back to another point made by my devotional. Psalm 91. The last few verses of it are what gets me. The whole thing "gets me", but it's the butter-cream icing on the perfect cake!

"Because he loves me," says the LORD,
"I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
-Psalm 91:14-16

I don't think I need to mention "Came To My Rescue". You've heard that enough. I think I'm saying...even though I have those people that can be a support to me, they're not gonna understand where I am most of the time. I've learned that with telling people my dreams...because you get a lot of people that will say "You're crazy". Or for getting a prophetic word, they'll tell me that I suck at singing. But you know, when everything comes to an end, they're not the only Hope for my soul. They're not my eternal salvation. When everyone else has left me, One remains.
I find a whole lotta comfort in that!
Another verse or two that Sydney REALLY hit home in her blog...

"Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."
-Psalm 91:3-5

This reminds me of the image I talked about a few months ago...of a daughter sitting in her Father's lap, crying, yet being comforted. Nothing said, just holding and being held. Like there are no words that could fix the broken heart.
And you're probably like "Dear goodness Leah, why don't you watch the notebook? Maybe sob all over a dead dog."
Then why are you reading my blog, dearest?
Oh gosh. This is a long blog.

There's been something on my mind for a long time. Wanna know what it is? Of course ya do!
With every major guy in my life, I've learned a lesson. With Matt (the senior that now's a jerk), I learned that if I really don't have anything to say, why waste words?
I know that may sound horrible. But Aundi suggested I read Ecclesiastes for otehr reasons, and I came upon Ecclesiastes 3. You KNOW this chapter. Even if you don't know you know it.
In 3:7, it says:

"a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak..."

I've always been a problem solver. If there was a fight, I would resolve it as quickly as possible. If people were holding grudges against me, I WOULD get to the bottom of it.
Now as I've gotten older, I've realized that people will get miffed at me for little-to-no reason at all. People will talk. From an eternal perspective, does it matter? There are relationships that ended for the better. They died and there's no point in performing CPR. Yet I would try to revive whatever was dead until I couldn't do it anymore. I had so much crap piled up on my mental "to-do" list that it was unhealthy.
So I learned to just let it go. There are things to fight for and there are things that aren't worth it. Right now, I'm talkin drama. Not theatrical, mind you! Nobody will remember what we were concerned about today a year from now.
I'm sorry I'm so random. It's just my thought process. Anyway.
I've been staying up WAAAYYYY too late lately. But I don't think it's just for nothing.
More on that later.

On an even more random note...I love when you guys comment my blogs. I learn a wwwhoooollleee lot!

-LL
20. Watch all of the Star Wars movies...in a row.

In the darkest place we will be Your light

And the anxiety dreams set in.
One week until school starts.
I seem to find myself worrying quite often.
The main thing I'm nervous about...Guitar. Guitar II, specifically. I have to reform my calluses...which I'm not excited to do. I was looking through my Guitar I instruction book and realized how much I've forgotten about guitar. Last night I was thinking (while being quite tired and not sleeping. Urrggg) about starting guitar up again. I really don't want to start. I don't wanna have ugly fingers again, to keep my nails short, to carry a pick in my pocket constantly, to learn tabs...the list goes on and on.
Yet I felt this peace like God was saying "Lovely, it's not gonna be like magically picking up a guitar and playing like Justin. You're gonna have to work at it. If you want My will, you'll pick it up and learn your scales and chords all over again." Anyway. Back to today looking through my book.
I remembered that I hadn't read my devotional or any Word today. So I read my devotional, which was pretty good, ya know, about Esther.
And then I felt like I should read Psalm 80. Which really meant I read 81, 82...so on to 90.
I got to 89 and was like "Dude."
It begins with "I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I make your faithfulness known through all generations"
If you know anything about me, it's my practical obsession with the love of God. It's like in this single Psalm, every issue I've been dealing with is dismissed...while still speaking of the love of God.
it's not like "Hey Leah, don't worry about school or playing guitar or guys or whatever. I love you" but within a single psalm, it's like God I love you, you give me strength, you're with me always, but where are you?"
Even in the last three verses...

"Remember, Lord, how your servant has been mocked,
how I bear in my heart the taunts of all the nations,
the taunts with which your enemies have mocked, O Lord,
with which they have mocked every step of your anointed one.
Praise be the Lord forever!
Amen and Amen."

All the kids in my guitar class last year were like "You? Guitar? You don't look like a guitar player"
but with what Sonia told me Saturday night, people won't think I'm capable of doing this. People will tell me I suck, that I should stick with something other than guitar...
but God chose this for a reason. Sometimes I wish he would've picked something I was already good at, but that didn't happen! I have to work at it. I have to persevere through the nights of bright red, sore fingers. The times when I won't know anybody in my guitar class, and I sit by myself trying to write a song.
Another analogy...braces. They suck, lemme tell ya...if you didn't already know. Before I had them, I wanted them SO bad. I wanted a pretty smile. But I didn't want the pain that came with them. The extra amount of teeth-brushing that had to be done, the inability to eat corn and chew now-and-laters...but thinking of the perfect teeth is what gets me through the days of yogurt and bananas.

So I guess what I'm saying is...I have to grow. I have to crawl before I walk, I have to fall and get back up again! It's gonna be a challenge. A BIG challenge.
But like Sonia said, bring it on. I may not be totally ready for this challenge, but bring it on.

And I realized that applies to my life as a whole. I'm not gonna get all the revelation without going through tests and trials. I'm gonna get hurt. But the end result is SO worth it. Some things are gonna take longer than others to learn. But because I've been called to do this, it WILL happen, and I rest in knowing that.

-Lovely Leah
#19 Pet a squirrel.

God of mercy / Humbled I bow down / in Your presence / at Your throne

"Our vertical expression must have a horizontal effect"

I know I usually just start with a random thought or the words "I don't know what to blog about."
But I read this quote (about leading worship) by Joel Houston yesterday (worship leader of Hillsong United, if you didn't know)...and it inspired me. And not just like "Yeah Joel Houston! Woo! Go Jesus!"
It's like...what I do isn't for nothing.
Like Saturday night I felt like total crap. There were about a bajillion different factors to this feeling of crappiness, but long story short, it was crap.
So practice was alright, ya know, minus the sharp voice that kinda made my stomach upset.
Which was an ANOTHER factor, by the way.
Anyway. During real worship, I started feeling okay. To the point where when I went to sit down after, I felt almost completely normal.
It was CRAZY. During worship(again), I had the rare occasion of crying.
sarcasm, guys. I know, I cry all the time. But this time was different.
My crying wasn't the ugly sobbing (yet =P) but the kind that's peaceful, with deep breaths and tears rolling down my cheeks.
I went up to Apex anticipating a word. Yet during worship, I felt like God was saying
"Lovely, if you don't remember anything, if you don't hear from me, remember this moment. Remember the peace you felt. The feeling that nothing else mattered."
And I was alright. I was better than alright!

So I guess what I'm saying is...worship ALWAYS has an effect on something.
It gives me peace. It makes me feel like I'm sitting in a little starbucks with God, just telling Him what He already knows...
yet He's excited that I'm getting it. That I'm beginning to understand His love for me, His awesomeness, His almighty power!
I'll give you a little story.
There was this giant issue my mom didn't know about for the longest time. So one day, I just broke down. I told her what was going on, because I couldn't keep it in anymore.
But she said "You know, I knew. I was just waiting for this to happen"
Part of me wanted to be like "MOM! You could've helped me! What the heck?"
yet I understood that what she did was what she had to do.
God couldn't have told me what he told me on Saturday LAST Apex. Because I wouldn't have known what to do with it. It would be completely out of the blue.
But after joining band and pursuing that relationship with God, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. He really had to tell me who I was before He could tell me who I'm going to be.
And even then, He hasn't given me all the answers. But I'm gonna find them, and not on my own, obviously.
So while I pursue Him, I'll encourage others to do the same.
And that's it.

-Lovely Leah
18. Take a picture with a meerkat.

In my life, Your will be done!

Well, if you haven't learned by now, my titles are completely random most of the time.
SSOOOO I'd tell you about ApeX, but most of you went...so if you didn't go, you missed out.

Nuff said.

I don't know how to start this blog, so here ya go.
If you've been a faithful reader of my blog (again, I love you. I cannot say that enough!) you've noticed that I've changed. If you haven't, well, I don't know what to say to you, dearest! But like I was sitting on the bus today, going home from an epic weekend...next to Nick Tealer, who was singing along to the Jonas brothers. And it's like in the midst of Justin playing his guitar and all the people singing, I found a little pocket in time of stillness. Like the kind where you realize how tiny the pine trees look, yet how big they ACTUALLY are.
So that's not the point.
I love when people take a step of faith to give me revelation. Or just take a step of faith to anything.
Such as yesterday. As I was sitting on the ground, crying my eyes out at the love of God, I was comforted. Not just by His presence, but that different people got up and came over to me. Namely Sam. Not Samantha, the little Sam! Keep in mind I hardly know her...I'm not even sure if she knows my name. But she came over and hugged me. Just walked up to me and hugged me.
So what I realized...people can feel the presence of God. Not just in a room, but in a person. They feel led to pray for me, to comfort me...just to follow the will of God! I LOVE it.

So another example of somebody taking a step of faith to give me revelation. I got a GIANT word from Pastor Aaron, but you know those times where something so small can leave such a big mark?
Well Sonia did it this time! I mean...it was just awesome. She took a step of faith to tell me how contradictory my name is. Like you've learned by reading this epic-ly long blog, I feel like God calls me His Lovely.
With the name I have, Leah, it could be assumed that I take on the characteristics of my name. Like Leah in the bible...she was the ugly one. The unwanted one. The one that was given as a replacement for something valuable.
So by saying Lovely Leah, it's a giant oxymoron. She wasn't saying that I'm lovely while being ugly or something like that (which would be a little insulting).
She was saying that people label me because what I've been given, where I came from, etc.
But I can and WILL do what others tell me I can't. I am capable of so much more than people give me credit for, and I'm just realizing that. It's not because I'm just frickin awesome, I have talent, or I'm nice (I think).
It's the presence of God inside of me. It's the gifts and talents he's given me. It's the perserverence He's put in me from the time or pink power-rangers and Barbie dream houses. The desire to find the truth. The times when my heart just breaks for people. The desire to show people how pure and flawless the love of Jesus Christ is. To worship despite the people telling me that God isn't real, that I'm crazy, that I'm wasting my entire life by devoting it to Him.
I find today to be the day that I TRULY realize that "You are who God says you are."
Something that really struck me about Pastor Aaron's message tonight:

The God of the universe, Creator of all, has more thoughts about me than the number of grains of sand on the entire surface of the earth.
He created all that sand. That's a whole lotta sand to make. I kinda think of God just sitting there on a beach, creating the sand one grain at a time, and thinking of me.

I know this is a long blog already, but...I gotta say that I hate seeing people like this kid Robert. I'm just sick of the enemy lying to people, you know? That love comes from sex, truth comes from murder and rape, and peace is found through marijuana and other mind-altering substances.

I'll say another random thing. I've pretty much decided that I'm gonna name my daughter Zoe. Not Zoey, the little worldy spin-off of a completely powerful name...Zoe. Greek for life, you know!
I love my name and all...it's biblical, it has Jehovah in it, etc.
But like my brother's name...Elijah. Elijah has a weirdly-massive amount of influence on people. He's persuasive, and extremely likeable. His name is just...powerful.
I want to give my children names of Power. Names of promise given by God.

So that's my rant for now.
I love you all.

-Lovely Leah
17. Master drawing something other than giant squids and hearts.