1.06.2014

Not a Perfect Posture, But Pure Transparency

I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time. Really, for the last two months, but to me, it felt like an eternity. Being dishonest with anything, especially my well being, is exhausting.
I am by nature a very honest person…so I apologize if our conversations have consisted of the following:
“How are you?”
“I’m alright.”
“Just alright?”
“It’s a long story.”
“It’s a long story” is code for “I don’t want to talk about it” to everybody but the socially unaware.
There’s no easy or politically correct way to say it, so I’ll tell the long story.

I was having a rough day, and like any climax of a rough day, I broke down in tears. I told myself that it was just a series of events that were unfavorable, but I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t label the overall feeling of a day as “rough.” I couldn’t remember the last day I hadn’t cried. We’re not talking, “Aw Marley and Me is so sad,” cried. We’re talking, “This sucks. I’m frustrated, angry, upset, etc.”
And instead of a quick couple of tears, I sobbed. I sobbed so hard I struggled to breathe—heaving shoulders, quivering lip, and bloodshot eyes SOBBING. I had suddenly snapped from tough day sniffles to sheer hopelessness.
Why am I such a failure?
I can’t do a single thing right.
I have so many expectations of me and I can’t meet any of them in the least.
People have WAY more on their plate and they don’t struggle.
I don’t see them cry or even quiver. They go on, head held high, making 4.0’s and being happy. They make it look almost easy.
I have no reason to feel this way.
I’m overreacting.
What’s wrong with me?
The negative thoughts multiplied and worsened, until I wanted to give up. Not just on school, or work, or paying bills, etc., but on being myself. Just functioning was far too hard. I could feel the vultures circling, waiting for me to lay down and give up. Luckily (and I mean by the grace of God), I realized I desperately needed help. I told a close friend how I was feeling...and when I say told, it was really more like a slur of words and sobs.
I can’t concentrate on anything.
I have no motivation to do anything.
I always feel tired, no matter how much I sleep.
I struggle to get out of bed every single day.
I dread going to bed every night because of it.
I always feel hungry, no matter how much I eat.
I cry at least once, every day.
I feel completely alone.
I don’t see anything ever getting better.
And that’s when she dropped the bomb that shut me down mentally.

“Have you considered that it could be depression?”

Nope, no, never, not me. Nothing’s wrong with me. Depression is for other people, not for me. 
And then I considered it. And I recalled some of the symptoms. Seriously, it’s hard to say “No, that’s not me” when you fit 99% of the symptoms.
The counselor said, “Yes. Depression.”
The doctor said, “Yes. Depression.”
There was some kind of twisted relief I found in having a label for it. I found comfort knowing that other people had felt the way I was feeling—hopeless, alone, for lack of a better word, malfunctioning. I can’t express the overwhelming desire to fix myself. I thought, “Surely, feeling nothing would be better than this.” Medication “helped”, only by making me feel completely void of emotion. It left me sleeping like a rock at night and completely WIRED during the day. As awesome as that sounds to a college student drowning in her emotions, it was terrible. I hated the way it made me feel.
Long story short, I made some serious life changes to start taking care of myself. Instead of self-medicating on top of anti-depressants, I looked to God. And God basically paved the road for me, getting all my ducks in a row to have a healthy life.
Since we’re being honest, I’m still working through depression. I’m still seeking God through this process. As dark as it’s been, I have never felt so assured that God would use this time in my life to bring healing to other people. I have an even greater amount of compassion for the depressed and suicidal, having experienced it myself.

And that’s where my explanation ends.

The reason I wrote this blog wasn’t just to catch all my Facebook friends up to date on my life.
I wish somebody had told me that it’s okay. Everything looks bleak, but you are not alone. Approximately 10% of people suffer from depression…but when you’re at the bottom of the deepest hole in which you’ve ever been, you might as well be the only person ever diagnosed with depression.
And what sucks is that nobody talks about it. They suffer in silence, through hopelessness and loneliness, until maybe the clouds decide to clear.
This may just be my opinion, but fear is what keeps us from talking.
Oh, but they’ll judge me.
They’ll never look at me the same way.
They’ll pity me.
They’ll rule me out as suicidal and put me in a hospital.
I can tell you that I let fear rule my mind and my life and I’m finished. If somebody is going to pity me because I’m depressed, so be it.
I am willing to risk my reputation for healing. I want to be the one to step out and be vulnerable so somebody else doesn’t feel so alone. Every time I have talked to somebody about depression, they have been nothing but loving and accepting toward me.

To anybody reading this post:
I can tell you that I don’t know exactly how you feel. You may have the same feelings of hopelessness, but they make look different than mine. You may be unable to sleep and unable to eat.
If you need help, PLEASE get it. Acknowledging that there is something wrong is the first step to fixing it. You don’t have to be a hero.  And you certainly don’t have to walk through this alone.
If you get to the point where your thoughts start to scare you or you feel suicidal in the least, immediately get somebody. And if there’s nobody there to help you, call a suicide hotline.
Though it may not feel like it right now, you have people to support you. They may be your parents, friends, pastors, or a counselor.
And I cannot stress enough that you are NEVER alone. You have a savior that promised never to leave you.

If you need somebody to be honest with, whoever you are, I am here for you—to cry, to pray, to talk or just to relate to.

“But as for me, I will look to the Lord;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
My God will hear me.
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
When I fall, I shall rise;
When I sit in darkness;
The Lord will be a light to me.”
Micah 7:7,8

-Leah

P.s.- this blog post about depression really helped me