And Here I Am Again, But This Time, Much More Tired

You probably looked at your timeline and thought, "elevation? LPT? Who is that? Did I forget about a blog I followed on a whim?"
No. It's me....back again.
I feel like that ring at the doorbell in the middle of the night. You open your door to a sopping wet, crying Leah, suitcases and all, standing in the pouring rain.
You don't ask questions like, "Why don't you have an umbrella? What are you doing here?" You just don't say anything. You show me a bed and I sleep. Not just the normal time, but an abnormally long time, like I haven't slept in weeks.
And that's how I feel. Broken down and tired. Everything has built up and I just want to go home.
Here you think, "Not ORU? You want to come back?"
The answer to that: No/I don't know.
I don't know where home is anymore. I don't know who home is anymore. I thought going to college would solve my life...that everything would work out and I would finally be content in what I'm doing and where I am.
I'll tell you that, right now, that's the exact opposite. I have no idea what I'm doing. I follow what I think to be God's voice and it ends me up in a ditch. I don't know what I want anymore.
I asked a girl on my floor to answer the question, "When you think of Leah, what do you think of?"
She answered, "I think of a girl who's a lot of fun. She has everything in place and she has it all together..."
to which I replied, "Are you serious?"
I'm a bummer. A day doesn't go by where I don't offend somebody and get called a jerk (rude, mean, etc.). I cry ALL THE TIME. I have nothing together. I hold on to the strings of God's promises and that's all that's holding me up. I've changed my major after a half-semester of college, and I'm hoping and praying I don't have to change it again. I have very few friends, since a lot of the people I thought were my friends found better people. I can't wait to go home, yet, when I get home, I want to come back. Like I said....I don't know where home is. When I'm in Tulsa, home is "Metro Denver." When I'm in Highlands Ranch, my home is "Frances 813."
And you'd think this is where I'm like WAIT UP here's what God says!
But.......you're wrong.
I feel like a broken down car...I'm missing my doors, my engine is shot, rust consumes every single inch. To many, it wouldn't be worth it to rescue. Just buy a new car.
I guess this is my season of repair. I'm being stripped down to the very frame, and being made new. And it sucks. It hurts and it's tormenting. I don't like it. I don't just dislike it, I hate it. I'm ready to tap out and be done. It doesn't feel worth it.
But somehow, it is. And I'm working on it.

Love,
Leah

Giving All I Am to Seek Your Face

Three years ago almost exactly, I heard a song that I hardly knew would change my life. There were no TV's being run with words by the A/V team, and I felt like everybody knew the words but me. I had never heard it before, but the words sounded like they were written in a letter....a letter written by me. The verse would pass as I absorbed the words, running over them in my head like they were vital pieces of my life, needing to be memorized and repeatedly rehearsed.
I stood in the middle of a crowd, wearing shorts and a quiksilver tshirt, hair cut short and tears running down my face, lifting my hands for the first time. They weren't above my head, or even extended. Just bent at the elbow, palms lifted. For others it may have been just another worship song, but for me, it was the start of a whole new life...full of hope and a future. I was leaving behind unhappiness, loneliness, and despair.
Three years later, I stood on the stage of a chapel, choking back tears as I started the first line.
Falling on my knees in worship....
And I envisioned myself as a scared 15 year old, eyes swollen from crying, beginning the journey of the straight and narrow. I believed what people had told me. God loved me, He had a plan for my life, and I had to accept it.
And as I sang the second line, I was brought back to the same place.
Giving all I am to seek Your face....
I was finding God for myself all over again. I was reminded that worship is not singing on a stage, it's not leading a band, and it's not receiving recognition. It's a condition of the heart.
They journey of three years revolved around one song...like getting back to the original mission statement written the first week of a company after its earned billions of dollars.

God consistently reminds me of how awesome He is, and how far I'd be without Him...which is nowhere. I'm so glad I've set up stones to remind me of God's many miracles and blessings.

You say You want all of me, I wouldn't have it any other way

Gosh, I hate the term worry-wart (mostly because warts are gross, ew)...but it sometimes describes me perfectly. And I hate it. When everything seems to push me at the same time, I worry about things that are completely beyond my control, then I get all irritable and it always ends in a puddle of tears. As much as I love crying, I don't.
I have to be constantly reminded that everything is beyond my control and will work for good, no matter how deep the pit or how dark the cave. And when I say constantly, I mean like 10,000,000 times a day. At least I'm aware of it, right?
I'm sorry for the really short posts lately. Just little tidbits for y'all.
Worrying is no way to solve anything! I'd give you a bible verse about worry, but there's like a bajillion of them. So. Maybe some other time.

Official countdown to ORU is 11 days, for all the people who seem to ask. Worried, terrified, excited...you know. That's me.


Leah