In the darkest place we will be Your light

And the anxiety dreams set in.
One week until school starts.
I seem to find myself worrying quite often.
The main thing I'm nervous about...Guitar. Guitar II, specifically. I have to reform my calluses...which I'm not excited to do. I was looking through my Guitar I instruction book and realized how much I've forgotten about guitar. Last night I was thinking (while being quite tired and not sleeping. Urrggg) about starting guitar up again. I really don't want to start. I don't wanna have ugly fingers again, to keep my nails short, to carry a pick in my pocket constantly, to learn tabs...the list goes on and on.
Yet I felt this peace like God was saying "Lovely, it's not gonna be like magically picking up a guitar and playing like Justin. You're gonna have to work at it. If you want My will, you'll pick it up and learn your scales and chords all over again." Anyway. Back to today looking through my book.
I remembered that I hadn't read my devotional or any Word today. So I read my devotional, which was pretty good, ya know, about Esther.
And then I felt like I should read Psalm 80. Which really meant I read 81, 82...so on to 90.
I got to 89 and was like "Dude."
It begins with "I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I make your faithfulness known through all generations"
If you know anything about me, it's my practical obsession with the love of God. It's like in this single Psalm, every issue I've been dealing with is dismissed...while still speaking of the love of God.
it's not like "Hey Leah, don't worry about school or playing guitar or guys or whatever. I love you" but within a single psalm, it's like God I love you, you give me strength, you're with me always, but where are you?"
Even in the last three verses...

"Remember, Lord, how your servant has been mocked,
how I bear in my heart the taunts of all the nations,
the taunts with which your enemies have mocked, O Lord,
with which they have mocked every step of your anointed one.
Praise be the Lord forever!
Amen and Amen."

All the kids in my guitar class last year were like "You? Guitar? You don't look like a guitar player"
but with what Sonia told me Saturday night, people won't think I'm capable of doing this. People will tell me I suck, that I should stick with something other than guitar...
but God chose this for a reason. Sometimes I wish he would've picked something I was already good at, but that didn't happen! I have to work at it. I have to persevere through the nights of bright red, sore fingers. The times when I won't know anybody in my guitar class, and I sit by myself trying to write a song.
Another analogy...braces. They suck, lemme tell ya...if you didn't already know. Before I had them, I wanted them SO bad. I wanted a pretty smile. But I didn't want the pain that came with them. The extra amount of teeth-brushing that had to be done, the inability to eat corn and chew now-and-laters...but thinking of the perfect teeth is what gets me through the days of yogurt and bananas.

So I guess what I'm saying is...I have to grow. I have to crawl before I walk, I have to fall and get back up again! It's gonna be a challenge. A BIG challenge.
But like Sonia said, bring it on. I may not be totally ready for this challenge, but bring it on.

And I realized that applies to my life as a whole. I'm not gonna get all the revelation without going through tests and trials. I'm gonna get hurt. But the end result is SO worth it. Some things are gonna take longer than others to learn. But because I've been called to do this, it WILL happen, and I rest in knowing that.

-Lovely Leah
#19 Pet a squirrel.

God of mercy / Humbled I bow down / in Your presence / at Your throne

"Our vertical expression must have a horizontal effect"

I know I usually just start with a random thought or the words "I don't know what to blog about."
But I read this quote (about leading worship) by Joel Houston yesterday (worship leader of Hillsong United, if you didn't know)...and it inspired me. And not just like "Yeah Joel Houston! Woo! Go Jesus!"
It's like...what I do isn't for nothing.
Like Saturday night I felt like total crap. There were about a bajillion different factors to this feeling of crappiness, but long story short, it was crap.
So practice was alright, ya know, minus the sharp voice that kinda made my stomach upset.
Which was an ANOTHER factor, by the way.
Anyway. During real worship, I started feeling okay. To the point where when I went to sit down after, I felt almost completely normal.
It was CRAZY. During worship(again), I had the rare occasion of crying.
sarcasm, guys. I know, I cry all the time. But this time was different.
My crying wasn't the ugly sobbing (yet =P) but the kind that's peaceful, with deep breaths and tears rolling down my cheeks.
I went up to Apex anticipating a word. Yet during worship, I felt like God was saying
"Lovely, if you don't remember anything, if you don't hear from me, remember this moment. Remember the peace you felt. The feeling that nothing else mattered."
And I was alright. I was better than alright!

So I guess what I'm saying is...worship ALWAYS has an effect on something.
It gives me peace. It makes me feel like I'm sitting in a little starbucks with God, just telling Him what He already knows...
yet He's excited that I'm getting it. That I'm beginning to understand His love for me, His awesomeness, His almighty power!
I'll give you a little story.
There was this giant issue my mom didn't know about for the longest time. So one day, I just broke down. I told her what was going on, because I couldn't keep it in anymore.
But she said "You know, I knew. I was just waiting for this to happen"
Part of me wanted to be like "MOM! You could've helped me! What the heck?"
yet I understood that what she did was what she had to do.
God couldn't have told me what he told me on Saturday LAST Apex. Because I wouldn't have known what to do with it. It would be completely out of the blue.
But after joining band and pursuing that relationship with God, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. He really had to tell me who I was before He could tell me who I'm going to be.
And even then, He hasn't given me all the answers. But I'm gonna find them, and not on my own, obviously.
So while I pursue Him, I'll encourage others to do the same.
And that's it.

-Lovely Leah
18. Take a picture with a meerkat.

In my life, Your will be done!

Well, if you haven't learned by now, my titles are completely random most of the time.
SSOOOO I'd tell you about ApeX, but most of you went...so if you didn't go, you missed out.

Nuff said.

I don't know how to start this blog, so here ya go.
If you've been a faithful reader of my blog (again, I love you. I cannot say that enough!) you've noticed that I've changed. If you haven't, well, I don't know what to say to you, dearest! But like I was sitting on the bus today, going home from an epic weekend...next to Nick Tealer, who was singing along to the Jonas brothers. And it's like in the midst of Justin playing his guitar and all the people singing, I found a little pocket in time of stillness. Like the kind where you realize how tiny the pine trees look, yet how big they ACTUALLY are.
So that's not the point.
I love when people take a step of faith to give me revelation. Or just take a step of faith to anything.
Such as yesterday. As I was sitting on the ground, crying my eyes out at the love of God, I was comforted. Not just by His presence, but that different people got up and came over to me. Namely Sam. Not Samantha, the little Sam! Keep in mind I hardly know her...I'm not even sure if she knows my name. But she came over and hugged me. Just walked up to me and hugged me.
So what I realized...people can feel the presence of God. Not just in a room, but in a person. They feel led to pray for me, to comfort me...just to follow the will of God! I LOVE it.

So another example of somebody taking a step of faith to give me revelation. I got a GIANT word from Pastor Aaron, but you know those times where something so small can leave such a big mark?
Well Sonia did it this time! I mean...it was just awesome. She took a step of faith to tell me how contradictory my name is. Like you've learned by reading this epic-ly long blog, I feel like God calls me His Lovely.
With the name I have, Leah, it could be assumed that I take on the characteristics of my name. Like Leah in the bible...she was the ugly one. The unwanted one. The one that was given as a replacement for something valuable.
So by saying Lovely Leah, it's a giant oxymoron. She wasn't saying that I'm lovely while being ugly or something like that (which would be a little insulting).
She was saying that people label me because what I've been given, where I came from, etc.
But I can and WILL do what others tell me I can't. I am capable of so much more than people give me credit for, and I'm just realizing that. It's not because I'm just frickin awesome, I have talent, or I'm nice (I think).
It's the presence of God inside of me. It's the gifts and talents he's given me. It's the perserverence He's put in me from the time or pink power-rangers and Barbie dream houses. The desire to find the truth. The times when my heart just breaks for people. The desire to show people how pure and flawless the love of Jesus Christ is. To worship despite the people telling me that God isn't real, that I'm crazy, that I'm wasting my entire life by devoting it to Him.
I find today to be the day that I TRULY realize that "You are who God says you are."
Something that really struck me about Pastor Aaron's message tonight:

The God of the universe, Creator of all, has more thoughts about me than the number of grains of sand on the entire surface of the earth.
He created all that sand. That's a whole lotta sand to make. I kinda think of God just sitting there on a beach, creating the sand one grain at a time, and thinking of me.

I know this is a long blog already, but...I gotta say that I hate seeing people like this kid Robert. I'm just sick of the enemy lying to people, you know? That love comes from sex, truth comes from murder and rape, and peace is found through marijuana and other mind-altering substances.

I'll say another random thing. I've pretty much decided that I'm gonna name my daughter Zoe. Not Zoey, the little worldy spin-off of a completely powerful name...Zoe. Greek for life, you know!
I love my name and all...it's biblical, it has Jehovah in it, etc.
But like my brother's name...Elijah. Elijah has a weirdly-massive amount of influence on people. He's persuasive, and extremely likeable. His name is just...powerful.
I want to give my children names of Power. Names of promise given by God.

So that's my rant for now.
I love you all.

-Lovely Leah
17. Master drawing something other than giant squids and hearts.