Take what I have known, and break it all apart

For You, my God, are greater still.

Oh Lord. And by Oh Lord, I don't mean I'm addressing this to the Lord. I know you may be confused =)

I don't blog much anymore. I don't do much of anything anymore, I feel like. My life is at a point where I'm skidding on ice. I have some idea where I'm going, but I have no control! I desperately want to go to ORU next semester. I want to get married in like, four years. FOUR YEARS. THAT'S NOT A LONG TIME!!!
Anyway. Sorry. I'm gonna breathe. The thing is, I don't know what I'm doing. And I can tell you that patience is key, God is in control, and worrying does nothing as much as I want, yet I can't take my own advice. Patience is something I've always had an issue with: yet, in fourth grade, I was nominated for my class for the core virtue award of patience. I'd upload the picture, but I'm pretty sure that's not something you'd wanna see. I had snaggly teeth left and right, and I look like I'm hardly waiting for anything. Patience isn't just waiting, though. It's being HAPPY, CONTENT, JOYFUL while waiting. I just can't seem to grasp that.
I mean, I know the definition of patience, people. I don't know how to get it. It's not a chord on a guitar that I have to get my fingers used to, or a sentence I have to memorize for a test. It's...so much bigger than that. And when graduation is a little over five months away, I'm chomping at the bit to get out.
But that's the thing. I want to worship. I know that much. God has made it pretty clear that that's what I'm going to do. That's not all, though. I'm supposed to do something else, but I don't know what it is.
Mema always said "When in doubt, get a business degree. You can do whatever you want with a business degree."
And to that I say, "Okay, Mema" since she usually had great insight. But that just doesn't satisfy me, ya know? I'm satisfied with worship. I see what I have to hurdle and I accept it. I prepare myself for it. But I don't know if God is telling me business is the way to go. I don't know. Maybe Mema's up there whispering in his ear to tell me. I feel like if, in my imagination, God was a person, He and Mema would be just laughing it up in Heaven. They have some great senses of humor.
Anyway. I just sent an email to my Papa (My mema's husband) containing my essay I wrote about her. On that essay, my teacher wrote, "You, Leah, are a writer! You are one who dances with words."
My Papa responded to that email (not seeing my teacher's comment) and told my mom that I need to keep writing. People tell me "keep writing, keep writing" but it's one of my biggest struggles. The thing is, I don't like writing. If I have a topic I care about, such as my life (this blog) or my God (that essay), I can write the pants of somebody. Otherwise, it's like stabbing myself in the eye. It just isn't pleasant.
God's teaching me more and more that what's right isn't always what's easy.
I don't want to move 11 hours away. I don't want to see my family three times in a school year...but I want to fulfill what God's spoken into my life, no matter what cost. I don't have a desire to write. At this point, it's a lot of prayer. What do I do with MY LIFE? It's MY LIFE. This is my children's future lives. WHICH IS SO FLIPPIN SCARY TO THINK ABOUT! AHHHH!!! So. Here are my known options...business, finance, journalism....and I think that's it.
I have to continue to pray. A lot. And if y'all could help me out with that, I'd appreciate it.
I also appreciate when you guys leave comments =) the more comments, the more posts I'm inspired to write!
Anyway. I gotta go do geology homework (SIIIIGGGHHHH. SIIIIGGGHHH) and go to choir.

Love you guys.
Leah