Quiet my soul

I'm at a loss for words. I'm tired. Not the kind of tired after a harvest carnival of being called "Mr. Leah" and people thinking I'm from the 80's...
but it's a different kind of tired. The kind that people sing about. You know, "I'm tired / I'm tired of the fight"
"I'm so tired of [insert problem here]" It's just different this time. I've been tired before, I've been through those phases where I cried myself to sleep. Where I wanted somebody to say "I'm here for you".
Yet, I refuse to cry myself to sleep. And I actually have people saying "I'm here for you". But I don't feel like they are. How can they be "here" for me if they're "there" for themselves alone? Yeah, if I was somebody else but still me (just go with me on this) talking to me, I'd say "Jesus is ALWAYS there for you"
Jesus can't hang out with me when I'm lonely. He won't bowl with me. He can't give me something to do on Halloween night instead of sitting around my house by myself.
It's like I know I can't be like everybody else.
Take this as an example. You have some kinda allergy to peanuts as a kid. Maybe in the second grade, this time. While everybody gets peanut-butter cookies in the class, you have to sit there and eat an oatmeal cookie. You know, it's a cookie. You're not gonna complain. You understand that all your life you've been allergic to peanuts--since the day you were born. Your mom tells you constantly that you can't have peanut oil, peanut butter, peanut ANYTHING. No peanuts. But you still just ache to have that one peanut butter cookie to fit in. People wouldn't have to make a big deal just to get you your "special" (reject) cookie. You wouldn't have to sit out in the hallway all alone while everybody has their peanut butter cookies.
I'll relate this to Romans 12:2...which seems to be the anti-conformity scripture that people like to say is their favorite (besides John 3:16) because it's a mainstream one.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
To be honest, this was my favorite scripture when I was first getting "back into God". I know you're like "what the heck does this have to do with peanut allergies?"
But just wait.
I know I'm set apart. I'm called to be something that many people aren't. If I was called to be an account--fine. If I was called to be an engineer--dandy. But I'm not. I'm called to a higher purpose.
Yet, sometimes, I long for that acceptance. I wouldn't have to try so hard. I could be written off with every statistic. I could just ignore the fact that I'm allergic to peanut butter and have my throat swell shut just so I could feel accepted.
But it's how I was made. I was made un-normal. Having my throat swell shut is not God's will. He's meant for me to sit out in the hallway eating that oatmeal cookie. It may not seem like it's worth it now...and that's where my analogy is lost.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in God's perfect will. It's not like this little kid is gonna wake up one day to find that he really does love oatmeal and peanut butter sucks and is for stupid people. Nope.
But in my pursuit of God's will, I can't be normal. I don't know why, but it reminds me of spanish. Poder. To be able to. In spanish, I feel like it's so much more...definite. Can. It's like a soft word. It also means a metal thing used to hold food. But Poder just means "to can" or "to be able to"
Like I said, I don't know why I like poder much more than can.
So back to the beginning (a very good place to start...and make references to?)...
starting this blog, I'm tired. I feel alone. I'm that one kid eating oatmeal cookies in the middle of kids eating peanut butter cookies. I want to go out. I want to forget my cares. For once, I don't want to worry.
Then I realize how stupid I sound. God cares. God has my worries cast upon Him. It's like He's SO...everything. I know everything isn't an adjective, but it's the only thing I can thing of. Boundless. Never-ending. Infinite. He knows no depth.
No depth of mercy, love, truth, hope....you name it. It's like the ocean times infinity. Think about that for a minute. The ocean. Dang. Deep stuff, right there. Infinity. It's like, fill up the ENTIRE universe with water, call it an ocean, multiply that by infinity. Still not God.
I was gonna write a blog on how God knows us....not just that He knows every hair on our head...but mostly that He knows EXACTLY what we're capable of. Most of the time...we don't. But I'll write about that over the weekend or something. I still have to finish Sydney's letter.

But I'd like to say something. I believe iTunes shuffle is God-fueled. Like take for example, right now.
I was listening to "Lead Me to the Cross" because it's becoming one of my favorite songs, but also because I was distraught. I feel like when you cry out "Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out--Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down" it's all commands. Lead me, Lord. Bring me to my knees. That's a breaking process.
Next song: "Came to My Rescue"
This has definitely been my favorite song for about a year and a half running. It's the reminder that lonliness is never lonely.
After that: "None But Jesus"
I've been hearing this song a lot lately. Prayer, shuffle, you name it. It's kind of like when your mom wants you to read a book (or at least for me)...she'll leave it places she knows I'll find it. Or she'll tell me constantly until I'm like OKAY OKAY!
It's just the whole message behind the song...There's no one else for me.
And with those three songs, I'm reminded of His promise.
"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I don't have that hanging on a painting in my room for no reason. It's a constant reminder of my struggle with knowing He's there.
I think that's really all I have to say. Telling God to "Quiet my soul" truly works.

Well, I still have no plans for tomorrow. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

I love you all.
-LL