is.she.misleading.or.is.she.misled?

So I just had chocolate chip pancakes. I've been wanting them...since...hmmm...like six months ago. Anyway. Not the point.
I'm lovin the new (actually old) Kimya Dawson CD. So aptly named "I'm sorry that sometimes I'm mean." Crazy lyrics and all. Believe it or not, there's a song about child abuse. Weird, right? Right.
Well I have a story.
So last night my old self defense partner and current locker partner, Kelsey, asked me to go to the rockies game with her. I haven't been to a rockies game since I was like...ten, so I was like oh alright, they're free tickets, I have a ride and all...
mid-script. Hannah got those nice pink iced cookies for her birthday from her friend. Ya know, the really un-healthy kind? As she was grabbing one, I said "Enjoying your unhealthy cookies?"
and she replied "You're not"
dang Hannah. Dang.
I had to ask my mom, of course. And she was like "well, I wouldn't. I just don't have a good feeling about it." I wasn't exactly CRAZY about going, so I just decided that I wouldn't. While I was in the shower today, preparing for a day of doing nothing, my mom tries to yell at me. There's nothing more pointless than people trying to yell at you through a closed door with water running. But turns out I got a babysitting job. For the first time in like....mmm...a year and a half? It's from 4 to 11, which is some pretty good money for just watching two little girls that do what they're told.
And guess where they're going?

To the rockies game.

You have to understand that I have NO money. I think I might have a dime. That's it. And getting an amount of even $20 is just...crazy. Because there's a lot of things that I NEED to buy. Oddly enough, most of them are things having to do with theatre...anyway.
God just makes me laugh. I didn't try fighting my mom when she said no, and I was just okay. I don't do ANYTHING but homework, chill at home, and go to church on weekends. But who wants to busy themselves on the weekend just to go back to school and busy themselves some more? Not me. When I get no sleep, I slowly go crazy. That's no bueno. No bueno at all.
And through the past couple days, I've realized that I'm tired of pretending. Pretending to act like things are okay with me, mostly. And pretending I'm like everybody else who constantly need affirmation and friends to surround them.
I'll give you an example. There's a girl that I know on two different levels. One on the more spiritually oriented level, and another on a more fleshly oriented level. I know I'm gonna be a dork for citing Kelly Clarkson, but when I think of her, I think "sewn together but so broken up inside." On the latter, she's confident. She has a lot of friends, she's pretty, she's smart from what I can tell. But when she says the not-no-pretty words or makes inappropriate jokes, she makes this face for a split second. Especially when she knows I can hear her. It's crazy how when the Holy Spirit gets inside of you, He'll just never leave. He gives you that condemnation that makes you feel like total crap. I know she'll slowly learn that pretending that it's not there just makes her feel worse. After having such a spiritual and emotional breakthrough, it's something you just CAN'T avoid.
Like when I first met her, I really admired her confidence. And then it was like WHOA. How can somebody so...put together be so broken?
So. To my resolution. I'm done with facades! And I'd but the little funky c, but french isn't my strong point. That is french, right? anybody know?
If I cry, I cry. If I need to tell somebody something, I'll say it. If nothing needs to be said, I won't pretend that I need to keep talking.
That is inspired by the ever-truthful Ecclesiastes 3!
A time to weep and a time to laugh. (3:4)
a time to be silent and a time to speak. (3:7)
So...I guess that's it.

 I love you all. Truly.

-LL
40. Walk to somewhere in Parker...from my house.
I'm rethinking this one...