you.gave.me.hope.you.made.me.whole

So when I shower, I usually have some kind of random thought pattern. Okay okay, EXTREMELY random.
But lately, I've been thinking about a single subject. Vulnerability.
My dog just walked by. For some reason, she's wearing a cape. Like she's just walkin by, normally. With a cape. I was like "WHAT?"
Anyway. When I think vulnerable, I think about tears. Crying, I mean. Not just like "hey drops of water that come from your eyes". I think it's because that's the most common way of showing vulnerability. Especially to God. And God LOVES when you make yourself vulnerable. Just kind of saying "here God, I'm laying it all on the line. I know I could totally be shoved to the ground and disappointed, but I KNOW you won't do that"
I find myself to be a vulnerable person. Or at least, I make myself vulnerable. Meaning I cry a lot, yeah, but on a different kind of level. I like to talk to people. A lot.
If you trust me, it pretty much makes my life. When I'm confided in, it makes me feel like I make a difference. It could be a little difference, or it could mean life itself. But I know that there were certain people that were just...there. God brought them to do something, even if it was texting me hello, that made a big difference.
Anyway. I've become okay with being vulnerable. If somebody can learn from my heartbreak, it makes that pain completely worth it. And if they go around telling of my experiences, maybe somebody else needed it too...I just know not to trust that person as much as I used to.
So. I think a few people I know are learning to empty themselves. And as you'd probably guess, it's never too pretty. Emptying out isn't an easy process. I had to cry, I had to say goodbye to people that I thought meant a lot to me, I had to be hurt, i had to fail tests, just to hit rock bottom. It ESPECIALLY sucks when you think rock bottom is much higher than it really is. It's like "Hey i made it! I can start climbing again!" Nope. You've got a while more to go.
And once you hit that bottom, that's where you find it. The epitomy of being vulnerable. When you're just like "I'm done. I'm crying, I'm hurting, God....take me. Take ALL of me. I'm tired of trying to feel better by running away from you" and then bam. It's like you're eternally vulnerable, always open to Him. It's opening the door for the first time to see Him standing there. He was just waiting. Waiting for you to open the door. After that, it's always open. You see Him there. You may forget He's there at some point, but He's ALWAYS standing there.
See, my top five "hardest-crying-moments" have all been at church. Wait, with exception of maybe one. But in all of them, I had just given up.
Given up trying to do it on my own.
On trying to feel loved,
On my own future,
On my passions.
And every time, I was found. Completely and totally. And I used about five tissues per experience, and I mean the kind where you use them up so much that they become one big ball that starts falling apart.

So, that's my little "blurb" for the day.
And just a little side note....I love watching people grow, which seems to be happening at an accelerated pace currently. Or at least, I've started noticing it. It's definitely a new season, and we have enough previous crap to make plenty of fertilizer! I mean I do. I don't know about everybody else.

Last note. On the Hillsong CD "Faith + Hope + Love", you HAVE to listen to #10.... "His Glory Appears"
I'm pretty much in love with this song today. Or just in love with it, period.

And His glory appears
Like the light from the sun
Age to age He shines
Look to the skies
Hear the angels cry
Singing "Holy is the Lord"

-LL