you.hold.me.now

Shhh...I'm posting from school. Some computer administration person is probably being like "oh no...she's not supposed to do that" while watching me from some little back corner office that never sees the light of day and is fueled by coffee and assorted pastries.
Or not. Well. Anyway. It's Friday. Thank the Lord. LITERALLY, thanking the Lord right now. Although this week was only four days long, it's like it was FOR.EVER.
I think mostly because my patience is really being tested right now. In a lot of different areas. And when I tell anybody this, they say...."pray about it". As generic seven year old as I am, I'm not just saying "Hey God, can you please not let this happen? Thanks Buddy. Oh wait and can I have a barbie for Christmas too?"
No. I got rid of the final shred of that last year. It was funny because I'd find myself praying "God, let Your will be done, even if it's something that I don't want to happen"
Then I'd think "Uh oh. God, you made me say that. Well, give me strength. Everything is in your purpose"
God is a funny one, I tell ya! Not like "oh she said talking muffin!" funny, but like wow God this is crazy ironic! I also just am "hurrying up to wait".
A lot. It's like I look forward to the future when things are different, but I'd like to keep some things the way they are right now.
p.s.- just checked my grade. I have a 95 in Chem Honors. I feel like a frickin genius. Anyway.
But I can't have it the way I want it. God definitely considers what I'm saying when I pray, He KNOWS the desires of my heart, but all things happen the way He wants them to, and I'm becoming content with that.
On a separate note, I'm learning about love. You might be saying, "well duh!" because you learn a little more about love every day. Actually a lot more about love every day. There are some people that I'd never guess lacked love. Or at least, the feeling of love.
Take for example, a girl named Allie. I've known her since last semester, and she's funny. She also has this irrational fear of holding girls' hands. But for the first time, with help from my friend Emma, I noticed that she had scars. Pretty bad ones, too. But she wears certain long sleeved shirts and shorts to cover them up. If you met her, you'd be pretty shocked, I think. She's the girl with the cute EVERYTHING. She's my kinda blonde, she's tall, she's an AMAZING swimmer, she's pretty. She has a boyfriend who actually sits next to me in History, but that's a different story. It seems as if she has it all. But I just saw these scars yesterday, and I felt like she puts on a happy face in hopes of maybe slowly succumbing (is that a word?) to her mask. Like because she wears this mask, maybe it'll become her true face. When, in fact, it never will. While the mask is worn, the face rots away, almost.
I try to be genuine. I'm not saying she should act all depressed all the time and cry and be sad, but you have to acknowledge you're in a hole to climb out. I cry. I laugh. I get super pissed at people and....cry some more? You know this. It's just the way that I am. I'm also not saying that when I greet somebody I say "I have serious abandonment issues that make me feel like I'm completely alone. What's your name?"
No. But there's a way to acknowledge that and instead of letting it dwell in the nooks and crannies of your heart, just flush it out.
THAT, my friend, is why I cry. I don't internalize. I feel it, I get over it. And if I don't feel it, it takes a whole lot more tears later, because I HAVE to feel it.
Such as yesterday. My history teacher finished his three day long story about his entire life, and the sadness of everything was crammed into the last ten minutes, not even kidding. In those last ten minutes, I had to hold my breath to stop from just bawling. It doesn't take nothing to make me cry, but I'm not made of solid steel, either. Nobody may have seen God in his story, but it was labeled as that. Or at least, it was by me. He made all these bad decisions, became an NBA ref, opened his own Baskin Robbins, befriended two teenage girls with cancer, and yet now he's standing in front of a class full of Juniors in a freezing mobile that never warms up. EVER.
It was difficult not to say anything. Because at a few points during this story, if I even opened my mouth I would've started bawling. Luckily, I held myself together.
Something that's a little strange is I've only had one teacher I dislike. My algebra I teacher freshman year also told us his story...about how his father owned a well-known company, and he had an expensive car and a college fund, and he was just all set. Turns out, his father's company goes down the tubes. Not only is their family forced to declare bankruptcy, but also the company. So Mr. Stirrup, my teacher, has to go to college, ASU, for his first year of school. He has to work two jobs to pay for tuition, go to school, and maybe sleep. He gets kicked out for his low grades, goes to a community college, and gets back into ASU as a sophomore. All in all, he ends up getting his Masters in Mathematics and other mathematical stuff, and that was it.
And this is why God is one funny guy! I've met these two teachers that pretty much convinced me that everything can just turn around.
With that, I remember "God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things!". A lot of people would be like "that doesn't make sense" but to me, it does. Completely. Because that's pretty much gonna be my life story.
In a blog after apex, I was saying how Sonia said that Lovely Leah was kind of an oxymoron. Now I think my whole life is just one big oxymoron. Since I'm going against what a lot of people tell me and all.

Okay one more "blurb" (go Sydney!) and I'm done. I might be interviewed to be on the "culture/religion" page of the yearbook. I thought this was funny.
Why do more people accept the fact that their friends smoke pot than the fact that they're on fire for God?
It's like "So and so went to whatsherface's party and got soooo wasted and slept with whatsherface's boyfriend and now she's pregnant!"
"Oh yeah dude, I heard. So did guyman's girlfriend. She's such a..."
But with us, you hear "Did you know she's a hardcore Christian chick?"
"Psht, are you serious? She's SUCH a hypocrite. I hate people like that."
Annnddd I'm pretty sure if I slapped somebody for insulting my "religion" I'd TOTALLY win over the Vice Principals. Don't worry. I'm not gonna hit anybody.
I just think it's funny that they squeeze us into a page in a yearbook along with the Buddhists, Mormons, and Muslims. Right next to an advertisements for Planned Parenthood or something.
That's just...not right.

Okay okay. I have...twenty minutes left in the library. But I think I'm done with this blog post.
I love you all.
Happy Patriots Day.

-LL