weakness.leaving.the.body.

okay p.s. (pre-script)- New blog template. I know, it's only been like a month since I got my last one, but I was getting a little sick of it. I was going to do one that look like it was a notebook and had a cell phone at the top, a pen, a cup of coffee...well, you can just look for yourself.
But I've decided that's not what I want to publish my life as. Busy, cluttered, yet pretty cool looking. I'm maturing, and I want that to be obvious.
Back to our normally scheduled program



Being in public high school, I've heard quite a few motivational speakers and met quite a few people who just say random things that are like...whoa. Profound. But yesterday, I was having a conversation that made me realize how much of a lily among thorns I am.
Or I guess a lightbulb among the matches. So, in theatre, we have these really cliche scenes that we made ourselves with lines that are pre-picked, but you can arrange them and cut and paste them and blah blah blah.
In my scene, I ended up with the monologue. Good luck, right? Right. Well, it's all memorized, so I'm all good.
So I'm sitting in the library typing this, and these two guys in front of me (facing me) keep acting awed at how fast I type. I understand saying it the first time, but this is like the fifth time they've stared at my hands and said something. I think I type like 85, possibly 90 wpm on a good day. But with a blog, I have to think of what to say, so I type slower. Man. I must be like a superhero or something. And now one kid is just plain staring at me. TAKE A PICTURE IT'LL LAST LONGER!

Anyway. Monologue should go well. But one of the people (that's been missing for three days, frickin sickie!) wasn't there. So we pretty much could do nothing without her, so we were wandering around with our sister group (who was also missing their director, who is a vital part of their scene) and buying smoothies and whatnot. 2.75 for a smoothie, which I don't have. So everybody had one except for me, pretty much.
And Walt, my director, a senior who's also in Encore Plays (which are like actor gods to Chap) was just leaning on the stairs, after Cameron (who I've just recently gotten to know) walked away.
And Walt says: 

"You know what? I think we have a certain amount of hate we're allowed to have. Like take, for example, Cameron Walter. I used to have a certain amount of hate for him last year. Not total hate, but just enough to be like 'man that guy just pisses me off!' but I've come to know him and he's a good guy. But now, it's for Brittany Schaffer. I mean, I just hate being around her. I don't like a lot of things about her, she's just annoying in general. So all my hate is just focused on her, I'm good with everyone else"

It's one of those moments I wanted to record and play back to him in ten years or so. But I realized how stupid he was for saying that. How do you hate a person?
I just would like to ask somebody that.
"Hey So-and-so, how do you hate a person?"
Based on their previous experiences, biases, and various notions, they'll tell you different things. I really couldn't think of how to answer that. Even to the point where I don't know where to begin.
Sure, people aren't my favorite.
But I really don't hate anybody. Then I figured, logically, what is the opposite? Love. If I took the exact opposite of what Walt said, it would be "I think there's a certain amount of love we're allowed to have."
I think that's true, as a human being. We can express our love, through being physical, through words, perhaps even through thought. But there's a boundary that love reaches and can't exceed.
Oh ho ho, my friend, but it can!
The love of God. I think it's because we're not supposed to hate. Hate poisons love, I'm pretty sure. The more you hate, the less you love. You can't hate somebody and love them at the same time.
There's a kid. I don't hate him, but as I've been putting it, I'm not his biggest fan. At all. In fact, if he said something even the slighest bit rude or mean, I'd be VERY tempted to go all crazy-leah-cage-match-UFC-fighter on his sorry butt. Or just punch him in the face. But I don't hate him. He's a nice guy, he's made many mistakes, he's alright. I love him like a brother. If I had to live with him, I wouldn't be too happy, but we get along alright.
But last week, for the first couple days of seeing him, I just really couldn't stand him. Everything he did was just obnoxious to me, every joke he made just wasn't funny, even the shirt he was wearing was ugly to me.
I seriously had to bite my tongue and not say anything I'd regret. Because I've already betrayed him once by saying something that I shouldn't have said, and I'm not doing that again. He deserves better than that.
So yeah, I don't hate him. I don't exactly like him right now, I'm not his biggest fan, and I don't really want to do him any favors anytime soon, but I do love him.
I'm capable of hating, but I just won't do it. I'm tempted A LOT, but again, I just can't. It's not right, and I don't want to be that way.
And that's my little "blurb" for the day, I guess. Love and hate. Angels and demons, almost.


Okay, while I still have some time...like ten minutes...I'll explore a little quote.
"Pain is weakness leaving the body"
Really? Really? I think pain lets us know that we need help. We're human, we can't do it alone. EVER. Pain. It could be getting a paper cut, it could be impaling yourself on a flag pole.
Yes, I shuddered when I wrote that. Try not to imagine the latter image.
 Pain is just that. Pain. Hurt. It can be physical, which is usually implied through the dumb shirts that people wear that make them look REALLY REALLY REALLY cool. Not. Or emotional, mental pain even?
Emotional pain, that's something I relate to more. I've never been seriously injured physically, so I guess I wouldn't know the full bounds of pain. I was just thinking about the opposite of pain. I couldn't think of the word, so I looked it up.
Comfort, good health, well-being, joy. 
We find comfort in that love. We find pain, suffering, trouble, in hate. Hating somebody doesn't make you feel too good, I'd imagine. 


I'll leave it on that. Sorry it's a long blog, I typed it for 45 minutes...so. Have fun reading! 
Jane Eyre opening night tonight! So...pretty much I left my house at 7:15 and I'll get home around 9:30. Woop de woop.


Love you guys.
-LL