were.hearts.made.whole.just.to.break?

Hmmm. So, I find it funny that I was texting Paanii this morning. We don't text as much as we used to, so it's usually initiated through some event. Or if I just feel like texting him. And vice versa, obviously.

But I was like heyo buddy [current situation that i'll get to lately] just happened and blah.

"So that's why you were crying during prayer?"

You have to understand that on Sundays, there's a 99% chance that I cry at some point. Sometimes it's just tears in my eyes, others it's plain crying.

But something had somewhat upset me, and I was holding it in for prayer. Because I knew that it would be constructive crying; to the point where I grabbed the tissue box, took it over to my corner, took off my shoes, set down the box, grabbed a tissue, and went to town.

That's when I thought of "Porcelain Heart" by Barlow Girl...

Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

I'm never one to say "He broke my heart!" because the truth of the matter is, your heart is still fully functioning and I'm pretty sure you'll survive. No, no. I'm POSITIVE you'll survive. Coming out of it will SUCK, believe me, but you'll scrape yourself up off the pavement and move on.
But for the sake of argument, I'll use the term of a broken heart.
It's like everytime I put away the tissues, reapply the makeup, and stand back up again, I get shoved down. Of course we have the ever-motivational scriptures like "You are who God says you are" and "He'll never place on you more than you can bear"
But that just doesn't do it for me. That's nice if you're having to do planks in self defense and you feel like your abs are going to explode and your arms are going to fall off, or somebody called you a bad name.
After being "heart broken" so many times, I was ready to take myself back. After saying "Do whatever, God", I was ready to take myself back. I really didn't even wanna deal with anything, let alone something to do with a stupid overreactive boy that could care less. And because I'm myself, I thought of an analogy.
We have a car, right? Beat up, cracked windshield, seats with the stuffing coming out, I mean, this car is just torn apart. And this one super magical (yet unaware of the current "recession") repair place/garage decides they'll repair your car, brand new, for nothing.
Now, if you're not Jon & Kate Plus 8 or Kim Kardashian, this is pretty frickin insane to believe. Thousands of dollars in repairs for free, just because you're you.
But as your watching from the little window inside the waiting room of this repair place, sipping back on your free hot chocolate that has a little too much chocolate, you see them ripping out the seats, taking out the windshield, perhaps even taking a sledgehammer to things.
I mean, you GAVE them your car. You said "Hey guys, thank you SO much, here you go. Do whatever you want"
But after watching the demolition occur in your car, it's difficult to bear. Your parents bought you that car when you first learned to drive, your first roadtrip, practically all of your memories are in the car.
The end result. The end result is what makes it worth the cringing as you see your seats being reapholstered, your rearview mirror taken out and replaced, your windshield replaced by a new, uncracked windshield.
But the repairs just take SO long. I want to drive my car, I don't care how it looks, I don't care if it stalls, this is inconvenient.
God's the exact same way. His gift is free, and he gives it out liberally. We get to trade in our old beat up car, let Him have His way with it, and in the end, it's flawless...because His love is in every stitch of the apholstery, He has His cross hanging from our rearview mirror, we can see through our new windshield like we've never been able to see before. But a lot of the time it's painful. We experience the ripping, the tearing, the breaking, just to be made whole again.

There's a scripture that I have given to a few people, that completely convinces me that this process is worth it.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

-1 Peter 1:6

Man. You think about that, there's nothing that you don't want to do for His praise, glory, and honor.
And I still think about this situation, the one I was talking about earlirer, and it upsets me. It really does make me feel stupid, not cared for, insignificant, and like I'm really not worth the chase at all.
Yet God Himself has run after me, for my ENTIRE life. This guy that's giving me crap is nothing compared to the grand scheme of things. I'm being tested, I'm having my seats reapholstered, and it's not pleasant.

So, that's my (Sydney) "blurb" for the day. It's a long blurb, because I'm home sick today, and I don't want to do any homework.

I love you all.

-LL

p.s.- I read 1 Peter over the summer, and decided to look at the context of what Peter was saying. Then I came upon the next two verses. So, enjoy, as a continuation:

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

-verses 8, 9