Break my heart for what breaks Yours

I was gonna write a blog about watching Saving Private Ryan. I actually STARTED writing a blog about it.
But I thought I'd share a little bit of my feelings with you all =]

I can't help but feel that people are keeping things from me. I understand not feeling the need to tell me that their toenail is falling off, their mom is unfair because they weren't allowed to watch Rugrats when they were little, or their long-time pet goldfish is now pushing up daisies--but important details. Like my one friend.
I don't understand why people replace the subjects' of their latest blogs' names if nobody knows them.
Her name's Jessica.
Or at least, it could be Jessica. I could be lying right now, you'd never know!
She likes to say "Hey! We haven't hung out in like a YEAR! Wanna come over tomorrow?"
and I respond with something like "Dude! Sure! Plan, por favor?"
Then she excitedly replies "SURE! I'll call you tonight, Lelah."
The call never comes. She doesn't text back. She doesn't answer the phone.
Can any of you guys explain to me WHY she does this? Because I'm VERY tempted to feel like crap. Like I'm not worth anyone's time, let alone hers. I have some friends like that. They talk to me when it's good FOR THEM. When they have the time, when they're in the right mood, when they need a good slap in the face or a warm feeling. Yet I bend over backwards (practically) to be there for them, to be available...that they would KNOW that God loves them more than they could imagine (oh ho, there it is again!).
And I ask "God, why do You let people walk all-over me? Why did you make me so...sympathetic? Why do I care, God?"
Again...I feel stupid and doubtful. "Why am I asking YOU all these questions?"
"Why did You make me the way I am?" Sheesh Leah. Get a hold of yourself, woman. God's millions upon jillions of thoughts for you are not
"Oh dear. I should have thought about that before she was born with that weird birth mark on her arm."
"Oops. I should've made her a little skinnier. Oh well"
"Well, her smile is alright. She can deal until she turns 16 and people think she's 14."
Again. Sheesh Leah. Don't make me pull out Psalm 139:13-18....
And I guess I need to remember that I'm in the wilderness. In being alone, I am NEVER alone. I'm growing in God more rapidly than I could ever imagine--BECAUSE I'm alone. I get away from the influences and mentors...
It's just me and God. God and me. The Lover of my soul and his lovely. The shepherd and his pure, white lamb. I don't wanna be alone forever, really. I guess He's called me to say
"God, I'd prefer to not be in the desert...but if it's where you put me, that's where I'll be"
Lately, every Hillsong United song from "Across The Earth / / Tear Down the Walls" has deeply affected me at a different point since I first got the CD.
Right now, it's "Desert Song"
I've always liked this song...but it's just SUCH an awesome song.
My favorite verse/line/lines, really....

And this is my prayer in the fire / in weakness or trial or pain
there is a faith proved of more worth than gold
so refine me Lord through the flames

Don't get me wrong, I love pretttyyy much every word of this song. But knowing that through the flames I'll come out a sparkling piece of pottery (a piece of pottery. te he)...is one of my comforts.
Along with that being a comfort, there's also plain bagels with cream cheese. Different story though.
Well, that's all for tonight. Thank you for going through an emotional cycle with Leah.

-LL