I'm giving everything to You, not holding back.

I'm continuing a blog post that I started a month and a half ago. I'm not quite done with this revelation and thought, so I'll elaborate. I'll put what I already wrote in green.
Well, I've been 16 for a month now. Crazy, right? Like Amelia, I'm stuck at 14. People think I look like I'm 14, I act like I'm 14, and when people ask me how old I am, I'm tempted to say "I'm 14" But once you get to know me, I don't think I think like a 14 year old. I have the wisdom of a 16 year old...I think. Right? Perhaps. But I was reading one of Amelia's old blog posts (because I'm not reading 1984 like I should be...oops), and I realized that this was something I dealt with probably...3 days ago. So this is what she said...about waking up on her fifth birthday:

I woke up on my birthday, and I got out of bed, and it suddenly occurred to me that I was me. That I was trapped in this body, that it was my thoughts in my head and that that was never going to change. Does that even make sense? It did to the five year old Amelia. But what I want to know is what the heck kind of a five year old makes that kind of revelation? Me apparently. It seems unbelievable that I would remember that, but I promise you I can. It is one of my most vivid memories--I even remember my haircut and which direction I was facing. Strange how memories work...but that's beside the point. The point is that from that moment on, I've thought of myself as not myself but thoughts inside a person who I was...

And I realized that thinking this is COMPLETELY untrue. I'm not trapped inside a body that (at the time) I really didn't wanna be in. I hoped I would wake up one day as somebody else, somebody with less problems, a prettier smile, and more friends. Amelia realized this when she was 5. That she was TRAPPED. Not just in, but trapped. She was 5. I was newly 16. Like I always do, I had a pity party then got revelation from God. Funny how this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. I was telling God he made me wrong. That he put the wrong soul in the wrong body.
With Psalm 139:14 (which I cite all the time, I know), I'm going completely against myself. Look it up if you don't know it.
There's this teacher named Mr. Kissingford. Yeah, laugh at his name. Please. I did too. Well, I had him for public speaking freshman year...and he was my English II H sub for like three days.
So we were talking about poverty because we were reading The Grapes of Wrath (which reminds me of Veggie Tales, Grapes of Math, anyone?)...
he was talking about the shanty-towns and whatnot. And he said something that really "rubbed me the wrong way"...
he said "These people in poverty were born there by the accident of birth and will remain there. By some odd chance, we weren't born in Uganda." He continued to explain that by some random chance, some coin-flip of the cosmos, we were born where we are.
So I sat there for a few minutes, with my mind wandering from the lesson (who could blame me?) thinking about how wrong that statement was. I was born with a purpose.
The girls at starbucks yesterday were telling me the entire plot of My Sister's Keeper (thanks guys, really worth reading now) and how the one girl was BORN to save her sister. I don't really understand it completely, but we're all born to do something.
I really wish I knew what that something is!
You could be sitting here thinking "Yeah, I know what you mean! Me too"
or even "Leah. You know what you're born to do. Do it."
perhaps "What? No we're not"
Right now I'm very confused about my future. Not as confused as I used to be, but confused nonetheless! I know that I've gotten that word from God...and sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and dial up God...just to say "Hey God, am I doing this right?"
and He could just be like "Yeah, but I kinda gotta go. Later lovely!"
When I've realized...I'm on the phone with God ALL the time. He's never hung up on me, and He never will! But sometimes people talk to me while I'm on the phone. It's difficult to discern what's coming from what source, but after getting used to it, I get better at it.
It's nice to know that God will never hang up on me, ya know?
But still...I get into those pity parties with God. I wake up and look in the mirror, with my tangled bush of blonde hair, oddly-colored blue-yellow eyes, and smile that hasn't come close to winning any awards...and recently I've decided I'm like God's painting.
I'm an original. He knew exactly what he was doing when He went out and bought the paints, the canvas, the brushes...He had an idea of what to create. Not just an idea, He had the image of me in His mind. And He thought "Perfect. Lovely. Wonderful."
But I'm still being painted. Although I don't know how I'll turn out, He knows EXACTLY. To the last brushstroke, to the tiniest little speckle of paint, he KNOWS.
I find myself to be quite anxious. I plan and plan, I worry. I worry a lot. I think everybody has their place that ESPECIALLY needs work with God. Mine is worry. Like, I know God has my back. I'm in his hands.
But in my conscience, I figure if the whole God catching me thing doesn't work out, I have my own plans to go off of.
I can write down a BAJILLION scriptures for this one.

So I guess as a conclusion, I've REALLY realized that God made me for a reason, with a purpose. I learn things and then I REALIZE them. I get the revelation from a message. I somewhat comprehend...like the love of God, which is another issue in of itself...which I talk about too much!
So. It is no accident I'm me. It's no accident that Amelia is Amelia. Everything happens for a reason. There's a purpose for every fleck of paint splattered in the wrong place...
for every helpless infant born to a 16-year-old girl. For every heart break, for every mistake, for death, for life. It has purpose.
I've come to realize I'm purposed. And although I don't know what this purpose is, I WILL strive to accomplish it. I want to find all that God has for me. It won't be easy at times, which I've already experienced, but it will be completely worth it.

-LL
9. TP somebody's house.
10. Buy Nick an inflatable whale (9&10 go together, according to him...[?])
not so sure how an inflatable whale will help TPing.