Writing whole blogs and deleting them. Sometimes I do that when I'm super upset or just...emotional, and I realize that I just get it after I vent a little. And most of the time they're stupid, so I delete them.
But I was writing a blog yesterday, and I can't remember what it was even about. But I read it and I was like "Leah, this is so stupid. Why are you writing this? There's nothing profound about it, it's not interesting, and nobody can learn from it. Why would anybody read this?"
I really hope SOMEBODY learns SOMETHING from one of my posts. I know that I learn a lot just by writing them.
I kinda just sit down and reflect on the day...then write about it. And many of the people that follow my blog are the people that influence my thoughts! So the next post could be about you!
But anyway. New to the blogging world is Aundi! And I hope she doesn't mind that I put a link to her blog. Oops. Just did.
Aundi influences a lot of my blogs. She kinda lets me know that I ALREADY know something, but am not realizing it. Does that make any sense? And she just...gets me.
Anyway.
I say anyway at LEAST four times a blog post, I think. But get used to it!
I haven't done bullets in like a month, and I don't think I'll start again. But thank-you to the faithful followers of las balas! Sonia, Sydney, Morgan...the list goes on. I'd like to also thank the academy.
Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.
Anyway. I think that's three anyways. Go back and count and prove me wrong if you want.
Hmm....I'm not exactly sure what to write this blog about.
I'm doing the five-minute challenge for internship Wednesday, and I've never exactly done that before! I'm a memorized-line kinda girl. Not a hey let's get up and talk!
But...I did get an A in public speaking, even though during one of my speeches I started to cry. Oops.
I guess if it's something God wants people to hear, He'll let me say it...since I feel like I've written half of my blogs on true love...that's what I'll be talking about! Not enough people understand.
And I KNOW I don't completely understand true love. But I think I have the gist of what love isn't. Because I would feel comfortable saying I've LOOKED for love in the wrong places. Nobody's ever found love in the wrong places, have you noticed? They find lust, disappointment, and emptiness.
I've been pretty good about staying away from lust, I've been disappointed, and I've been empty. Not completely empty, but the "low fuel" light has come on and been on for a while.
Like I was just telling Miss Molly, I've been alone before. Not completely alone, but I didn't understand that at the time. And God TOTALLY found me. He practically read me my own heart, and called me out for doubting His presence. Whenever I get a word, that's what seems to happen. This is why I cry! Because I'm like "God, why do You do this? Why do I feel like I keep fighting and losing? Why do I have to feel so alone?"
And he calls me out! Not just like "Hey Leah, I'm here". But TOTALLY calls me out. To a point where I realize that I didn't think God knew my heart.
It's like having somebody follow you around for your entire life. You shower, they're there. You eat dinner, they're there. You go to a movie, they're sitting right behind you. You sleep, they watch you. Until one day you're like "WOAH what are you doing here?".
Yet they've been there your ENTIRE LIFE! And you can't say "You haven't been there. I didn't see you, so you couldn't have been there"
Do you get what I'm saying? God knows everything about me. He understands the depths of my heart, my deepest desires, my thoughts, my feelings...everything. And I forget he KNOWS. With those "words" he gave me, he's said "My daughter...remember. I'm with you always. I know the desires of your heart, and you don't know how much I want to give them to you. But you need to trust in Me and my timing. You need to give me everything that matters to you, and I'll become all that matters to you. I hate to see you in pain, Lovely. But you'll grow to be strong and mature in Me through the struggles. You'll learn to praise me in the losses and triumphs. No matter what happens, just know that I love you. More than you'll ever understand."
That's what gets me everytime. He KNOWS me. And I want to know Him!
Yet I was trying to go deeper.
Like digging in the ground. First I'm digging with one of those little gardening shovels in the loose dirt. A hand shovel for the deep dirt. And I need to pull out the full-size shovel when I hit clay.
I was totally relying on the sunday message, an inspirational bible verse now and again, and singing Hillsong United in the shower.
I was looking to go deeper without really trying. Like saying "Draw near to me, God" while tip-toeing away from him. Instead I want to run towards him with open arms, saying "Take me God, take all of me. I want nothing else!"
I don't ever want to lose this passion that I have for his love!
And I / I can't shake / this fire deep inside my heart
I don't wanna fall away. I don't wanna change my mind. It's so worth it...if only you knew!
-LL
-LL
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