As a lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.

p.s. (pre-script)-Does everybody like my new fishies? ----->
It took FOREVER to get them on here. And to get them all purple with one black and one white. I thought it made it balanced. And they like to spaz. And if you click, you can feed them. Anyway. That's the end of my p.s.

Song of Solomon 2:2.
I know, I didn't use a line from a song...even though I REALLY wanted to. Technically, it is a song.For two weeks starting next Wednesday, I won't be blogging too often. I'll probably blog from my phone. OR MY LAPTOP! Which is getting fixed by Monday.
That's a WOOP DE WOOP for prayers, right?
Okay, yes, I pray about a laptop. But even the tiniest things, God cares about, right?
That sentence was riddled with grammatical mistakes.
Amelia, do you work.
Anyway. I was reading a book yesterday! I started and finished it in one day. And because it didn't take me very long, I think I'm going to read it again. It's Authentic Beauty. I LOVE this book...I wouldn't read just any book twice. And isn't the cover pretty?
Aundi finished this book a couple days ago and was like "You HAVE to read this book"
And since Aundi is my "team-mate" according to the book, I generally take her advice. I wrote her a letter the other day (which I lost. URG.)...and then I had to write another one. I was TICKED.
So, all in all, the letter made her cry. And writing the FIRST letter made ME cry. The first was two pages, the second was one. Front and back, obviously. But if I DO find the first letter floating around somewhere, I'll give it to her.
Anyway. The book says "Don't expect quick-fix advice or surefire solutions from your teammate. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to your story, to cry with you, and to diligently pray with you as you walk through this process."
And I think Aundi does EXACTLY that. Of course, sometimes she says "I think you should punch him in the face"...but I think that's just a response to make me feel better, obviously. If my letter ACTUALLY made her cry, I think it's because she does really want to listen to me...since I told her how much I appreciate her being my Godly counseler, and someone I can look up to. She pretty much lived a replica of my life three years in the future.

Anyway. I thought I should share with you something that I was like DUDE. THIS IS WHAT I NEED!!!

We sing a lot of songs about our own failures or desires, we shout out a lot of personal requests to heaven, and we may even get an emotional worship high by dancing, jumping, or clapping along with the beat. There is a time and place for having fun, singing little mindless ditties about taking a bath, or scratching someone's back. But how often do we tune out the rest of the world and stand speechless in wonder and awe at the incredible majesty of our Prince? How often do we sing abou His incredible love and sacrifice with tears of gratitude streaming unashamedly down our faces? How often do we fall on our faces in adoration, stunned by His awesome power and amazed by His inifinite tenderness?

You have NO idea how many times I've cried at church. The hardest I've EVER cried was at Apex last summer. It's kinda just...unexplainable. You can't just TELL somebody to experience God, they kinda have to do it on their own, ya know?
The whole "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink"
And I've learned this recently! Obviously I won't go into too much detail. But God has a way of using people, ya know? The uncanny ocurrences of God (what I like to call "God-things") happen A LOT. And people will blame it on coincidence, or even...the cosmos? (Danielle would get this reference"

I feel it! I can feel the cosmos!

Anyway. God moves in AMAZING ways, and many won't admit it.
So the main thing that I learned from this book--
To truly find my prince (the "one"), I have to seek after my true Prince (Jesus Christ, who was killed, that's how much he loved me)
Like--if you had a boyfriend that said "Ya know Kyra/Morgan/Sydney/Amelia/Danielle/Sonia, I love you so much, I'm going to sacrifice myself. So you can live with me after you die, and you can live a life with forgiveness. You CAN find happiness. And I'm willing to die for that. For your happiness."
While on the cross, he could've said "Ya know, eh...Leah really isn't worth it. She can go to hell and be condemned for her sins. I don't really wanna die for her, I'd rather live."
But nope, he died for ME. FOR ME!
And it sounds all John 3:16 Christian, I know, but once you really wrap your mind (or really, your heart) around the fact that someobdy loved YOU (all your flaws, all your quirks, all your traits...) SO MUCH! it's amazing!
So to what I was saying. Seeking after my true Prince...I have to clean out my heart of the unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, and all the other "garbage" in there...so nothing will distract me from my Prince (JC) in my sanctuary. And this novel/relationship book (meh?) was really about seeking that Prince in order to find TRUE love.
And obviously, the purity debate occurs. And what I realize is....through my relationships, I've remained pure PHYSICALLY (being a virgin, knowing that my body is a temple...), but emotionally I've really played around. Especially with Nick, and my boyfriend from two summers ago, Morgan (it was a guy. named morgan. a guy). I invested WAYYYY too much of my emotion into both of them.
After reading that in the book, I cried. I didn't feel condemned, but I feel like God was saying "Leah. You can overcome this. You can be emotionally pure again. Trust in Me. You'll become the 'lily-white princess' I've made you to be"
And I also realized my thoughts wander a lot. I've started waking up at 8 AM to read my bible for an hour (sometimes more) after the discussion we had in internship. When I go to sleep, I don't think about my Prince. When I wake up, I'm not thinking about Him, either. When I shower, my thoughts wander.
I want to acknowledge that my Prince is with me always. Not just sitting there watching me, but guiding me, laughing with me, crying with me, or just keeping me company when I feel like there's nobody else in the universe that could understand me.
I want to give him my ENTIRE life.

Sing praise / let us glorify Your name / use my life / to shine Your light
Sing praise / I will never let You go / come and fill my soul
You are the reason/ why I sing praise

Oceans will part / nations come / at the whisper of Your call
hope will rise / glory shines / in my life, Your will be done

I'm living my life for You / I'm giving everything to You
Not holding back / but every part / I'm giving it all to You

Surrender / Surrender / You whisper gently
You say I will be free / I know but can't you see / my dreams are me
My dreams are me

Of course I could go on forever with songs about surrender. I've recently decided "ya know, whatever happens happens, it's the Lord's will, it's in His timing"
And whenever I commit to something in the Lord's will, I'm tempted to stray. DEAR GOODNESS this happens a lot. With dating, with getting up to read my bible, with going to church...what not.
And with the last lyric up there (Barlow Girl--"Surrender"), I've always had a dream to do theatre. To perform, to sing, to act, to dance (in that order!)...but I've realized that's not what God called me to do. He called me to do it for a season, but seasons change. It won't be easy, and I'm still taking Theatre III, but I'm not putting my absolute heart and soul into it.
I'm called to worship, to sing to the Most High God! Maybe not center stage with my own spotlight, but in the corner on the group mic. Perhaps even with my own microphone, being a point singer. I don't know. I don't know what God's doing with my life.
And it's gonna suck not being in control, but it's SO worth it.

I'm still inviting Matt to my wedding. To prove that true love DOES really exist. That God DOES have a "poet warrior" out there for me, and I WILL find him. And Matt was wrong. Waiting WASN'T for nothing, and me and my "one"'s marriage will thrive. It will be built spiritually, emotionally, then physically. That's the only way it can work.

more for later
-The Always Lovely Leah
Psalm 139:14