If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart

So everybody. I didn't write a blog yesterday. Oops. Since I pretty much was home for an hour the entire day yesterday. But I love church. Sunday is my favorite day of the week, I think.
First off, I think I'm in love with Pulse. Okay I already knew that. But you know, it's a place where I feel like I belong. I can never think of who to invite to church, since most of my closest friends ALREADY go to our church!
Since most people reading this already go to pulse, you can kinda skim over this. But yesterday was an awesome day! Not just because it was Elijah's 18th birthday, or because we went to my favorite Chinese restaurant in the world...but Pulse was pretty crazy awesome.
We actually got a birthday song from the band during band practice!
"Hmmmm b natural Ryan, b natural HMMMMMMBNATURALBNATURAL"
Oh Justin. Nobody understood that he was trying to sing happy birthday. Which was really nice. Then Nick said "What'd you get for your birthday? DID YOU GET YOUR PERMIT?"
and of course I said "I'm gonna punch you in the face Nick"
I wonder how many times I've told him that and never followed through.
I think it's like 45:0. Anyway. Worship was AWESOME yesterday, Nick-Elijah-Leah power! And Aundi's special hat/beret added to the awesomeness/power.
Hmm...should I tell the story about Nick?
Here's a WARNING:this story will be EXTREMELY long, and at most times uber pathetic
you might wanna listen to this song while in the process of...learning.

So it started that one night that pastor prophesied over Nick. Okay wait, actually it started before that. It started that one service we had in Grown-Up church (yes, i'm calling it that) sometime in...hmmm...August. So Nick and Vanessa were sitting behind me, and pastor did his traditional "Turn and greet two to three people around you". So, with me not knowing them, I turned and greeted them! So back to the night that pastor prophesied over Nick. He was sitting behind me again, next to Ryan Ilg...or something. I don't really remember. But he had oil all over his hands, from rubbing his head. And I turned around and said "I'd give you a high five, but I'd rather keep my hands clean, sorry!" I think that was end of October, beginning of November. And after service, he said something about how he didn't have my number because he thought of something he needed to tell me, but again, he didn't have my number. AND that's where the saga begins.
I think it was a Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but randomly he just texted me "Hey". Third period. Guitar. We were watching a...hmm...Van Halen concert. And that was the day that started the three months that we never stopped talking!
We just kept talking, and he kept trying to get us to go mini-golfing on Black Friday. But I kept saying "NICK! I'M SHOPPING! I TOLD YOU!"
and he'd hear me, respond, then ask me again like nothing happened. I probably should've taken that as a sign. But no, I didn't. So then he suggested something about doing something with a girl that he liked that week...so I freaked out, thought he was talking about me, and texted Aundi. That's pretty much what I do, if you haven't noticed.
1. Something happens.
2. I freak out.
3. I text Aundi to make sense of it.
And to this day I still don't know if I was the one that he was talking about.
So we went to Thes-con. I had developed a super crush. Not like, super hero crush that's giant, but like a Transformer-Optimus-Prime-and-Bumblebee-put-together-crush. But I thought he was after Merlow, because he'd ALWAYS talk about her. And I thought "Well, after that's done, he'll probably need somebody for comfort, right?" So I said nothing about it.
Well thescon was QUITE the experience. I think I lost like ten pounds that weekend, and slept hardly at all. The first event with him was the acting on film class. My warning to all: DO NOT TAKE ACTING ON FILM. It was probably the longest hour and a half of my LIFE. He was in yoga, but I was like "Please. Come save me. I'm going to die in this class by myself"...so he came. And we played checkers. AND HE CHEATED. First time I ever wanted to punch him in the face. Who knew there would be more opportunities to come??? But Chaparral's rule is to stay with at least one other Chap theatre person at all times. Yeah...broke that rule. More than once. I went and got lunch with him, and some other girl. We actually went back to this girl Deanna's room from TR (by the way, she's a....very-mean-girl. Insert your own word there.) I played this one Daisy racing game on his iTouch while he ate his tofu salad and listened to their IE. So then we went to his room (people. this story is PG. keep that in mind) while he brushed his teeth. I played his iTouch STILL, while his roommates made inappropriate comments about us...("Just close the bathroom door, we can turn up the TV so we don't hear anything.")
Italics random time
When I met Nick, let alone started on this little adventure towards our relationship, I KNEW neither of us would want to get physical AT ALL. Not just in the way that you'd expect, the purity of being a virgin and all that stuff, but just holding hands and kissing and...further than that. I had no intentions of anything physical WHATSOEVER. Our emotional/umm...mental relationship really did make up for that. I actually don't know if he TRULY had intentions of anything like that, but from what he'd told me and what I'd experienced, I didn't think so. Anyway. Back to the story.
And I don't think they ever heard me say anything...I just shook my head. And of course, this is when I found out I couldn't take a hint to save my life.
He brushed his teeth. In the middle of the day, when he was planning to be alone with a girl. If you're not doing the math in your head, he was expecting some lip action.
(While writing this, I keep shaking my head. To how stupid we both were!)
Well, we rode to the VERY top floor of the Hyatt.
(In the elevator, if you're going from like the 5th floor to the 25th, you feel like you're in a rocket. It starts shaking and picks up speed, and you think you just might die in some fiery crash)
So he was showing me his "All That Jazz" dance from his Broadway Dance class. Can I just say that I pretty much almost wet my pants watching this? From laughing, being nervous, knowing that I just broke/am breaking two of the biggest rules of Chaparral (the other unmentioned rule being that there's "no purpling" meaning I'm not allowed to be in any guys' rooms. oops.)..and nothing happened, don't worry.
So he was in my swing class the next morning, and he SAID he would be my partner.
Well, Marianne ended up being my partner. To which I'd like to say....she's a lovely dancer.
Throughout this time, there were (what I thought were) hints to that he didn't like me.
Boy was I wrong. He actually ASKED me to the Thescon dance (or, that's what he says if you ask)
what he really said is "Are you going to the dance? Do you wanna come with me?" because nobody I knew was going. Obviously, Chaparral people would be there, but nobody in their right mind goes to the dance.
So we went to the dance.
WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
I don't think I've ever been more covered in sweat. And I REFUSED to take off my sweatshirt. It sounds stupid, I know, because it was like 100 something degress in that frickin room, but I did NOT want other peoples' sweat on me. And Nick took off his shirt, which was SUPER awkward. If i could've pulled out a flock of awkward turtles, I would've unleashed them after maybe after the first ten seconds. But it was kinda....sweet(?) that Nick didn't get too close to me. First and last time grinding. I promise. I swear. I PINKY SWEAR! He also was like Okay, this guy is way too close to you. Let's go this way.
And at the end of the dance, the elevators were full to bursting with sweaty teenagers. So we took the stairs.
FIVE FLIGHTS OF FRICKIN STAIRS AFTER STANDING FOR THREE HOURS. Actually, it was 6 flights of stairs. And to get to my room on the 5th floor, we had to go through the exercise room. At almost 1 AM, the exercise room looked like it was ready for action--maybe midafternoon, with the pool rippling and the flourescent lights gleaming. Of course, my tongue was about to dry up and fall off by this time, so I was like DEAR GOODNESS I'M THIRSTY! So we sat there for like 15 minutes drinking little plastic cups of water. One of our most awkward moments, I gotta say. So he dropped me off at my room, like the right guy should, right?
Well I said "Okay...goodnight."
And he said "Wait...don't I at least get a hug?"
So I gave him one of those awkward hugs that's like, half a hug, but EXTREMELY close. Which was gross, because we were both sweaty.
I was SUPER anxious to get out of my drenched clothes into pajamas, which is why I REALLY rushed to get inside.
What I found out later was that when he asked for a hug, he was expecting something more. Again, with my hint reading ability, he was hung out to dry.
I texted Aundi the next morning, to tell her about that night. With all that happened, she said "Was he under the influence of anything???"
And I said "No, he's not like that"
Little did I know that he was like that! His sophomore year (my freshman year, before I knew him) he DID drink.
(Side note--I actually am leaving out a few details in the story, but I figure for telling secrets, I won't tell ALL of them...because he doesn't deserve that)
Ha ha I think the week after that I was talking about how using tongue when...sucking face...is like drinking peoples' spit. Which, if you think about it, it is! So I think I changed his mind on that.
But the day after thescon was the winter party.
Wait wait. I'll back up.
The night that I got home, December 7th, I had to write a song for guitar I. And, I ended up sending it to him over the phone (voice message) because he was my other half...I mean, I told him pretty much everything. So he said "I like you...maybe, maybe not."
Which I took to mean "I don't like you, but I'm letting you down gently"
And I saw him at the "Hope Shines Through" thing. At least, I think that's the Gayla event that it was. And I acted like nothing happened, because I thought that would make it easier to deal with. And he took that to mean that I didn't really like him.
So Winter Blast, the next week, he kept up with "I like Merlow" deal.
And when I dislocated my knee skiing (ouch.), he FLIPPED, even though I was fine.
Like he called me and was telling Kendra that I was hurt, and he seriously FLIPPED OUT. And the week after Winter Blast, December 17th, (yeah I remember dates. I'm lame) he was like I have something to tell you. I have something to tell you!
So he texted me that he wanted to go out with me, and I was like "Umm...I really have to get my mom's permission"
Which really never happened. So I was like "You can't officially ask me out yet. You can't do it YET."
So I finally was just like "Whatever, I'll tell her later. You can OFFICIALLY ask now"
So he was like "Leah Thomas. WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?"
Which--please, find real men, guys. Ones that don't ask you out AND dump you over text.
So it was the head-over-heels high school crush/relationship. He actually came over the day after Christmas, and we played Monopoly with my sister (then quit, because she started cheating, BADLY), played UNO (like fifteen rounds. And I think I won twice), and I think tht's pretty much all we did. Then January 23rd, (it was the day after Isaiah's birthday, that's why I remember it), he came over and we--played rockband, played MORE uno, played sonic the hedgehog (for like four hours. straight.), I think I tried to teach him how to play Bioshock, and he didn't get it. But that was the ONE time we kissed. And I really wish we didn't. Because once you invest yourself physically, it's all over from there. I know that a lot more of physicality could've taken place, but I TRULY have seen the hand of God in me saying "Now's not the time." I did that a few times. And I wish that I could've again.
So that night we ended up going to see some play at TR...and it was REALLY good. Of course holding hands with your boyfriend makes it better, but it was actually a good play. And we'd hold hands when we prayed and what not, but we didn't get much further than that.
And then came the breakup!
So a week before I was dumped, he was into the whole "I love you, leah" thing. Or really, "I love you babe"
And I thought "I don't love him. I don't think I'm capable of loving him, and I know I have no intentions of marrying this guy"
So in the end of that night, I cried, and I thought I was convinced that there were "different types" of love.
Which I know there's only two--the love that God uses through you, and the love that God's given you for a single person, to love forever.
So again, a week later, on our two month anniversary thingy thing, three days after Valentines day...it was at first because my Mom STILL didn't know we were dating (even though she did, she was just waiting for me to say something).
I ended up telling her probably five minutes after that text. And turns out, that wasn't the entire issue. It was because "we were better off as friends"
And i know he was trying to be nice, he was trying to let me down easy, but after being convinced that somebody loves you, then dumped to "just be friends"
you get pissed. you become bitter.
And that's exactly what I did. I had come to know him like the back of my hand, and he knew me like...I don't even know what. And it comes back to the whole dilemma that the one who had MADE me cry was the one who used to keep me from crying. And I had NO idea who to talk to. Like, going from telling him everything to not being able to tell him anything. Because I felt betrayed. That he had played with my emotions, and I was stupid enough to fall for it.
So my text to Aundi, the always there psychiatrist went something like this-
Aundi. We broke up. Call me?
And that's pretty much where it started with the story of Nick. I hadn't updated her on this "relationship" other than Thescon, and she had a LOT to learn.
So the first day after being dumped, I felt good. I thought, well now I can go after some other guy (Matt was the one I had in mind. Dear goodness Leah, what are you thinking!?!?)...but I didn't ever want to be hurt like that again. And I know, in a blog, you can't understand how TRULY bitter I was towards him. So every day, it just got worse. It was the weekend of Revolve, which was fun, but I was MISERABLE. It may have seemed like I was alright, but I wasn't at all. I missed being happy...feeling safe in who I am. When the reality was that I put my confidence in who I am in Nick and my relationship with him. I had grown apart from God, and tried to take care of all my problems all by myself.
Because I was going to prove to Nick and everybody else that I could do it on my own. I wasn't weak. And I don't really know when I OFFICIALLY got over him. But I realized that I had to build my relationship with God before I could build it with anybody else. Nick was also VERY distracting at church. That's one of the main lessons I learned!
You have to be VERY strong in faith to date in church. Especially when your boyfriend stands in the choir while you stare at a screen right above his head.
And everybody has to learn all of the lessons themselves. That's how I am ON STEROIDS. I mean, that I can't take advice whatsoever.
What I told Aundi before FINALLY getting over him was "I'm tired of being hurt."
And that was it. So she gave me When Dreams Come True to read. This book TOTALLY changed my perspective on dating. But that's for another blog. Anybody reading this blog should REALLY read this book. It's a love story, and it's not a self-help book whatsoever.
So anyway. Another thing I learned from Nick is....that going from friend to girlfriend to friend does NOT happen. You can be friends afterwards, but it's EXTREMELY hard...and it's never the same. There's that line that you can never cross, let alone come close to crossing, that will ALWAYS be there. Nick and I are friends, but there's a lot of touchy subjects between us--such as Thescon, the dance, or anything really about it. (Which he brought up last night. I don't know why) There's also the songs that I WILL never listen to again, because I don't feel that way anymore!
Such as....
"Hot N Cold"
"I'm Yours"
"Lucky"
"1,2,3,4"
"The Way I Am"
"9 in the Afternoon"
and...various others. But they just remind me of how stupid I was.
Well. I think that's about it.
He still kinda avoids me, which is fine. If he wants to do that, then he'll do that.
If you need anymore details that I can supply, leave a comment or something.

Love,
-The Always Lovely Leah