Can I just say that's one of my issues? I have no transitions. I find myself to be completely black and white, and when I'm gray, I freak out and try to have people explore my soul for me--when truth is, I need to do some soul-searching for myself. I can go to my psychiatrist (Dr. Bundi, not actually a psychiatrist with a PHD or whatever), and say "Am I doing this right?"
And again, I ask for advice all the time, but rarely use it. I figure, if I do it wrong, I DEFINITELY won't do that again.
And everybody's gonna think I'm some kinda drug addict partier who's taken one too many trips to Envy. Ha ha Amelia knows what I'm talking about.
And....when I have a new thought, I just start a new paragraph. Like, oh wait a second, these having nothing in common.
RETURN!
New idea.
This actually kinda relates to all I've just said, but if I could ACTUALLY write songs, I could probably be pretty good about it. Just wake up with words in my head, find a good melody on my guitar, string them together on a rainy afternoon, and bam.
But the problem is, I can't. I've written two songs--one in eighth grade after being completely and totally dumped (worst dumping until my last one) and one December 8th, 2008, after finding a guy that was just as black and white as I am, but when he was black, I was white. When he was hot, I was cold. I sent him this song, saying "this is how I feel"
and that's exactly how he felt, too.
And believe me, I'm totally okay with that being over. It was great while it lasted, I learned lessons, cried my eyes out a few times, had the stomach-residing butterflies...
but truth is, we were just TOO black and white for eachother. He danced, I DIDN'T. He was popular (with 600 frickin facebook friends. Is there that many people in the world?) and I wasn't. He played piano, I played guitar. He loved popular music, I couldn't stand it. But the one thing we could agree on was "Hot N' Cold" by Katy Perry. Because it described him. It described me.
Why I just went into this rant of the last relationship I had, I don't know. I guess that's how my transitions work.
I'll end up talking about potatoes when I started with how my day went.
But anyway.
6 days till the big 16. And just like Amelia, I don't feel like I've lived 16 years. Actually seventeen years, if you think about it. I've been living since I was born and all...
So I'm not sure any of you people have younger siblings, but of course I do.
Watching Hannah grow up along the path that I did is really sad. Seeing that the world is your oyster, and the oyster will do whatever it needs to do to keep you happy. It's your life, everybody just lives in it. If somebody gets mad at you, blackmail them and make their social life a living hell.
And yet, last summer, I was changed completely. I wasn't struck by lightning or raped or something...but since, I haven't been the same.
I wish I could tell her what to do and give her all the advice that would've helped me BUTTLOADS when I was her age, but she's just like me. She needs to learn the hard way.
I guess I'm just in a reflective mood.
Should I include some bullets in this blog? I think it's a must.
- Matt Shanor needs to leave and I need to forget about him. He's frickin 18, and he treats me like I need/want to be treated, then treats me like I'm the 13 year old who hasn't experienced life yet. PICK A SIDE, FRICKIN A!
- Tommy's in Arizona. I'm okay with that, actually maybe more than okay. I'm slowly cracking his Atheist (I have noooo idea how to spell that) shell, and I think he'll be truly happy when it's over.
- I forget how much I love walking around barefoot. Now I remember.
- I'm almost done with Fast Food Nation. Now just to start on my theses....
- Nick makes me laugh sometimes, but when he doesn't I usually wanna punch him in the face. He likes to joke about "If You Seek Amy" since I told him what it REALLY means.
- LeeAnn finds out the gender of her little fetus in 10 days. It's kind of exciting, actually. I think it's gonna be a little girl. Emma Nicole.
- I'm having a hard time coming up with bullets right now
- OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING!
- Okay so, my Dad is fixing my old laptop from the summer after 8th grade. I'm PUMPED, because this means I get Sims 3 from my lovely Aunt Jenn for the my birthday.
- I'M UBER pumped (yes, that's my racial diversity for the day. German.) for the Sims 3. Sometimes you just have those days where you feel like playing God--making a multi-generation family, an extremely wealthy business man, a dozen ghosts that haunt an old lady in her mansion (I did it once hahaha)...the possiblities are limitless.
- I'm not endorsing the Sims 3. Just putting that out there.
Ok, Leah you crack me up. At the same time you make me want to cry. You're definetly black and white. I wish i could write like you but i can't all free spirit and what not. I still want to be your tipsy-buddy! HAHA! I once knew a guy named chuck... anyway... just thought i would throw that out there cuz you reall reall make me laugh. Hard.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I wish I could write in bullets.
ReplyDeleteYou know what else? I am never black and white. I'm always gray.
Which makes me wonder what makes a person think the way they do about things. Why you are one way and I am another. What was it our pasts that made us different? Could one moment have altered that outcome? I think I'll blog about this now :)